Still trying to come to terms

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  • #56959 Report



    Firstly, I’ve never posted on something like this before so go easy!

    My wife and I separated around 10 months ago completely out of the blue. Looking back now there were signs (she basically stopped talking to me, although I thought I had been doing something wrong), but even now she tells me I did nothing wrong, am a great person and a great dad.

    We have two young kids and we’re together for 12 years and married for 7. I have always had pride in the fact I thought I was a good husband and a good dad and always did whatever I could for my wife and kids. She said she lost the loving feeling for me (which I can completely understand).

    I have tried to keep the separation amicable as we have been friends for years and all our network of friends are the same, and obviously for the kids.

    The first few months I was in utter shock and just kind of did whatever was asked of me (sort out the solicitor sides of things to get money out the house and the like) and I did it as I didn’t want to cause her any more hurt and wanted to make sure the kids were ok.

    The only thing I have ever asked for since we split was to talk to a professional. I know that she said the feeling is gone, but I just wondered what there would be to lose if we did? Worst thing that would happen to her is that there is still something there and we can work it out, best case for her it confirms that it’s gone. For me, it would have shown that she once cared about me and was willing to do the one thing I’ve asked.

    I have honestly tried for the last 10 months to let her go, and we have remained friendly all the time even though I am utterly heart broken. I just feel that she is maybe only wanting to be friends for the kids and doesn’t genuinely care about me as a friend either.

    I know it sounds selfish probably but she is or was my best friend and I still love her like mad, I just hoped that maybe she would talk to someone even as a friend.

    My question is, should I remain friends even though I am so hurt and am genuinely in tears every day or should I just now keep amicable but have distance on the friendship side of things? I really want to keep friends but I honestly feel more hurt that she doesn’t feel our family or me was worth trying to save than the fact the marriage ended.

    Thanks and sorry for rambling.

    #57069 Report


    Hi Scscolac, your situation is not to dissimilar to mine, been married 26 yrs, wife left me on 18th June this year. she wants to be friends but I cant do that, it hurts too much. my comfort comes that my 13yr old daughter is a lot happier now (they had personality issues which the local social services and her school have been involved with) she can now be a teenager at last!

    To me now, my child is the most important person in my life, maybe its just meant to be.

    Take care

    #57082 Report


    OK, my family is about the same situation, I’ve been doing it for longer.. . I think you won’t come to terms like you want so you have to push yourself in another direction and get into the idea of a new exciting future. Visualise it.. Don’t just react to her changes.. Make your own plans.

    #57179 Report


    Hi Scscolac, your situation sounds pretty much the same as mine. I have been with my wife for 11yrs and married for 7yrs, together we have a 4yr old and what I thought was the perfect life. 3 months ago she was very cold towards me, I put it down to stress at work, but one night when laid in bed she told me that she didn’t love me anymore. She had been feeling this way for 18months and had struggled to come to terms with it herself, making herself depressed in the process. She said to me that she didn’t see a future for us and she is currently in the process of moving out of the family home. I am absolutely devastated, her words hit me like nothing ever has. I still do love her and don’t blame her, I struggle to understand why, as she constantly tells me that I’ve done nothing wrong and there was nothing I could have done. We started going to couples counselling, this I thought was a massive step in the right direction because she was very much against it at first. I told the counsellor that I wanted this to help our relationship and she told him that she wanted to separate. It felt terrible, I struggle to sleep at night, I wake with complete worry about what will my life be like etc. She wants to remain friends and has told me that as she is the one who has caused all of this I can stay in the home with our son and all she wants his her half of the money from the house. I don’t know where to even start with anything either. I feel so alone, people keep telling me to stay strong, everything will be ok but inside I am a wreck and on the outside I am starting to crumble. I don’t know how things will work out going forward either. I am hoping that when she does eventually move out, that she is able to sort herself out so to speak as she made reference to fixing herself before she can fix everything else. I want to continue to love and support her, I don’t want any of this, I just wish she would realise just how much I don’t want any of this to happen

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