Still feel of no self worth after 6 years of being separated

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  • #45752 Report

    Hope7
    Participant

    Hi

    To cut a long story short, I was married for 33 years although they hadn’t been happy years, but I tried  at my marriage as I  am a Christian and we had a family. My husband had an affair when my youngest boy was 16/17 months old. She was a single mum with a young child who was the sister of one of his friends partners. For about 8 months myself and family endured my husband going between us and this other lady.

    I felt like a door mat, my older kids said I should tell him not to come back and he said I had caused all this to happen ….. Eventually the affair stopped and we tried to be a family again but things didn’ t work and he eventually left us in 2014.

    The pain and sadness of my marriage and all that happened and the way I let my kids down with not dealing with things better, is  still something I deal with on a daily basis.

    So much sadness and pain inside as I feel I have failed, don’t feel I can talk to others because they have their own ‘troubles’ and people think you should be ok now after 6 years but  I’ve never really had time to deal with it all as I was left with all our children, who are brilliant and I am so grateful how they have stayed by me even though I messed up their lives as well.

    Finding it so hard just now , just want to go away and deal with all the pain and cry all the tears I need to  so that I can live again and feel I am worth something.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this,   just sharing with people who have been in similar situations in some way helps.

    God bless

    #45790 Report

    sirtobi
    Participant

    hello hope,

    many people say the path to hope and healing is through forgiveness.

    If I look at our children now, four plus years after a very uncomfortable separation I can’t exactly tell, how things would have turned out the other way. What I know is, how things are now. Far from perfect but not bad either. The family in its previous form has ceased to exist and has been replaced by something different. They have a mother and a father who don’t work as a team. The question is, was it ever any different and if, when did it stop and why. So for the children. I think it isn’t much different from what it used to be other from having this nagging feeling of being deprived of something intangible, family as of mother and father living lovingly together. But to ask this question, how many children have this privilege? Many will just have a mother and a father living together. So where is home, where do we feel at home? Do our children miss home as of “family home”. I don’t think they do any more. They have settled into the new locations and circumstances. Do they miss their mother and father? No they don’t because they are still here. So for the part of our children I can say, they don’t suffer a lot, if at all, any more. They would love their parents to be more amicably. They also did when we were still living under the same roof.

    Leaves things with me. How do I feel? Better, much better. I miss a million things, am lonely at times and it is freaking hard to be a single parent. I struggle almost every day and constantly fall short of my expectations. But in all this mess I have managed to build a stable environment for the boys. Somewhere safe and sound, where their voices are heard and their needs are catered for. I couldn’t do it living with their mother. That was never safe or sound. Always on the brink of collapse, always loud and shouty. So am I proud of myself? Yes, I am. Would I have been able to achieve the same with their Mother if I would have tried harder? I don’t know. All I know is how things worked out after she left.

    I am not grateful for what she did. It still hurts and I have spent a lot of years and energies barking at the wrong tree. That hurts most. But I can forgive myself for it in the light of what I have achieved over the last four years. And I can forgive her as well. Are things better for all of us four years on? They definitely are for the boys and me. And sometimes I am even proud of us as parents.

    The world isn’t a perfect place and there are times, when  we have to concede defeat. There is a time for everything. You will get there.

    #45799 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    Hope

    Here to talk anytime. You are definitely worth something never let anything tell you any different

    sirtobi

    I thought that was fab the way you seem to have handled things and your outlook it really is a positive post. I enjoyed reading that

    #45811 Report

    Hope7
    Participant

    Hi sirtobi

    Thank you for taking the time to share, your words made a lot of sense, especially about how life was when you were living as a family, this was very true in our lives, we would all put on a ‘brave’ face to those who knew us and everyone thought ‘ we were a lovely family’ but in our home, it was sadness and far from the happiness everyone thought was there.

    As for my husband , I have forgiven him but as my youngest is now 15, I have little contact with him, as they are all now old enough to get in touch with their dad as they want to.

    I think I struggle with forgiving myself, because there were so many times in my married life when I could of said enough was enough and not made my kids suffer any more sadness, but I didn’t.

    Thanks again , for taking the time to share some of your life, and as you shared, there is a time for everything, a time to weep and a time to laugh.

    I know healing will come, just been a long journey for me

    God bless

    #45812 Report

    Hope7
    Participant

    Hi Ginger 28

    Thanks for reading my post and offering to chat if I need to.

    Being able to just share something on this forum has helped,

    I don’t have to hide how I truely feel and I know that others on the forum have gone through or are going through similar things.

    Thanks again

    God bless

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