Starting over

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Willow 1 week, 2 days ago.

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • #24821 Report

    Willow
    Participant

    Hi, so I’m new to this forum and just looking for some advice.  My partner and best friend of 17 years suddenly decided he wanted to split over Xmas.. gave me all sort of reasons but turns out he is in love with someone else (they aren’t together but only because she decided to stay with her husband).  I was a bit of a mess for a while but trying to get on best I can for my daughter.  I’ve took on extra hours at work to pay the bills (I’ve been left to pay the mortgage).

    On the whole I am doing a lot better than when it all first came out.  There is just a couple things holding me back that I need some advice on how to move past.  Firstly how do I stop loving him? After everything that has happened he was my best friend for 15 years and finding it hard to stop caring for him… also I find it hard when he takes my daughter overnight and I’m left on my own in family home.. finally money any tips for making it work? As I work full time an own my home I don’t qualify for any benefits and money is going to be very tight… thanks

    #24827 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    Unfortunately there is no magic formula that will stop you from loving a person. Just because you’re not together anymore it doesn’t mean that you can’t love him from a distance. He may change his mind, you never know.

    I’m sure yoi can claim housing benefit to cover the interest on your mortgage. Go to Shelter website and look for advice they don’t just deal with homelessness.

    I know most people say the best way to get over someone is to start dating over people but you that brings more complications.

    I hope you will be able to free up some money for yourself. Treat yourself once in a while even if its just a coffee in McDonald’s 😀

    #24832 Report

    Willow
    Participant

    Hey thanks for your reply, I’ve already checked it out and not eligible for housing benefit.  I could get help towards rent if I sold up, but would have to use all the money out my house first that I have worked so hard my whole life for.  My long term aim is to downsize to a smaller place for me and my daughter but I’m not in the position to be able to afford to do this right now.

    I think even if he did change his mind it’s to late now for me.  I wouldn’t be able to trust him again.  He hasn’t really considered my feelings through everything that has happened since the breakup.  Just wondering how people deal with the loneliness when kids are at other parents house? It’s quite hard being in family home pottering about by myself.  I do have friends and family but most are busy with their own lives.

     

     

    #24834 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    How old is your daughter? My son is 13 this year and I’ve started popping out places without him, only for a couple of hours at a time.

    #24835 Report

    Willow
    Participant

    She is 6, I do take her a lot of places.  It’s at night when she has gone to bed or when she at her dads I struggle… think it feels like peace of my identity is missing.. I used to look after them both and now they not there at times…

    #24840 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Hi Willow, sorry to hear what a tough time you are having.. My split was very similar but longer together (won’t bore you with the details) and almost 9 months apart now.  I think the ‘stop loving’ bit happened by itself for me as I was in such a state of shock & hurt by his actions the love just died and now I can’t even look at a photo of him without feeling sick.

    If his name is on the mortgage he really ought to be paying you half until things get sorted out and I from experience I would defiantly apply via the CMS as soon as is practicable.  Are you 100% sure you don’t qualify for UC, I did for a while but then upped my work hours so now don’t, however I don’t have childcare to pay for as my girls are older.

    With the evenings I read, paint my toe nails or find some rubbish on the tv to watch – It’s not easy, I am lucky I can get out and about (youngest DD is almost 15) and with the light evenings I like to walk .. Maybe an after dinner stroll with DD will pass a bit of time for both of you.

    Take Care & hang in there, I never thought I would be telling others it gets easier after 23 years of being in a pair.. But it really does x

    #24842 Report

    Willow
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply.. good to know that it does get easier… sometimes I have good days but then something just knocks me right back… I asked him to pay half the mortgage but he refused on the basis that he now has his own bills to pay.. he is paying me maintenance based of cma calculator.  He was also pressuring me to sell the house.  However has agreed to give me sometime till I can try and get myself in a position to buy a new place.

    I genuinely thought that he would never hurt me like that and was a nice guy.  Just made me really question my judgement of other people.  I think I feel more let down by him as a friend than anything else.

    Good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel thanks.

     

    #24843 Report

    GirlFriday
    Participant

    Mmmm, not sure he can just decide not to pay towards the mortgage, have you spoken to a solicitor yet? The other thing you could do is get in touch with the mortgage lender & ask for a payment holiday if it helps..I was pressured into selling marital home but actually I couldn’t get out of there quick enough, the bills were high on my own (he was v difficult about money) & the memories were there all of the time. Am currently holed up at my parents whilst the purchase of my house goes through, they & my friends have been amazing they have stopped me losing the plot on many occasions!

    He sounds like my stbx no one including me saw it coming! And yes I also get what you meant about your own judgement, I am really struggling with that & the fact he lied to me to my face & via text for months.. how will I ever believe anyone again when the person I thought I knew best in the whole world betrayed me in such an awful way. It’s hard as I worry about everything all the time now, but I am trying to control it & I am getting stronger, as you will too. xx

    #24844 Report

    Willow
    Participant

    Sounds like you have been through quite sometime aswell.. it’s good to know someone gets what I mean.  Everyone keeps saying I will meet someone else and get over it, but just don’t think I will ever trust anyone again after this.  I also never thought he would behave as he has since we split either.  He has left me with very little money to get by each month.  We weren’t married so as far as the house is concerned we are both solely and jointly liable (if he doesn’t pay I have to).   I’m the same can’t wait to move out the house just to try get a fresh start and the memories.  I just can’t afford to at the moment (need a bit more equity out the house).  It’s quite hard as sometimes I miss him but know it’s the old him I miss not the person he has been lately…

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