Start of separation and petrified

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  • #14044 Report


    Hi all

    I’m a mum of 4. 3 boys 15,13 &10 and a 7 year old girl.

    Me and my husband have been together for 12 years. Things have been extremely tough and unsettled with my him for a few years now.  I cant face going into detail right now as im drained.  Recently we seem to be together for nothing other than ease and no where else for him to go.  We can’t say it’s for the kids as it just makes things worse. We haven’t shared a bed in months and thats just the start.

    I admitted to myself and tried to get him to see how bad it is but he just didnt get it. Totally blind/naive to everything.  Only now has he finally admitted its going no where but i think it’s more to just agree with me.

    He has now said he will start to look for somewhere but being just outside London I just cant see how. Financially its impossible.  He only has dad but he lives no where near and wouldn’t be able to keep his job.

    I feel I’ve been made to feel bad because of this.  Even with him saying why don’t I leave.

    I have a good job. I commute so life as a single parent is not going to be easy, especially with the holidays etc, I know that. But at least i’ll be being true to myself and no longer living a lie and trying to force something that just isnt there.

    I’m scared

    I’m worried

    I don’t know what to think or where to start

    #14206 Report


    I can really relate….although not exactly in your situation we too have just decided to separate after years of, officially, trying to sort things out but, practically, with very little change.

    I’m a dad of two – 11 and 9 – and feel trapped as the only provider currently  I’m trying to do the right things, giving time and as much help as I can to prepare for the eventual separation , but I can’t see a way out right now financially, despite having savings.

    My ex-to-be is not (yet?) ready to make significant compromises toward self-sufficiency and so I feel we can’t progress anywhere.

    Like you said – I feel scared and worried but also angry and frustrated.

    not sure I’m in a place to give any advice, but on the good days I remind myself why were doing this (the alternative of staying together is not better), try to embrace how I feel and not be scared by these emotions. I remind myself they are natural and to be expected and then take it one day, one decision at a time.

    It does not help that I seem to have to be doing the thinking for both of us, but if I have the conviction that we need to get through this than I must carry on.

    I also struggle with having no support network, having no family in the UK and having not built a network of close enough friendships. This is mostly why I signed up to Gingerbread yesterday and am really hoping to connect with some other folk who can relate to the situation…


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