Sperm Donor now wants me to have an abortion
25 February 2020 at 9:05 pm #37127
Sorry if this is a little long winded!
So, a bit of backstory. I am a lesbian and I have been out since I was 19 (I am currently 32). I have only ever been with one guy when I was 18 and realised it wasn’t for me, so I fully identify as gay. Well, over the past couple of years, I made friends with this guy and we grew really close (in a completely platonic way). I discussed with him the fact that I wanted to have a baby and he was the one who approached the idea of being a sperm donor. We spoke about it for weeks and the agreement was that he would donate the sperm (artificial insemination only) and I would raise the child 100% by myself, he would have no legal or moral obligation to raise the child. Well, after weeks of discussing it and him agreeing fully on the terms, (he was completely happy with what we agreed on, he had no objection to any it) we decided to try. I fell pregnant pretty quickly and told him a couple of weeks later. At first his reaction was ‘congratulations, I’m so happy for you. I’m so glad I could help you, you’ll be a great mum’ etc. Well around three weeks after telling him he messaged me out of the blue and said that he had discussed it with his family and they ‘told’ him that he shouldn’t be having a baby with me. He said that he now agrees with his family and that I shouldn’t be having a baby because it is against his will. I reminded him that he had agreed to everything beforehand and that I didn’t want or expect anything from him, legal or otherwise and that I was raising this baby 100% on my own. I even told him I would happily sign any agreements saying that I didn’t need financial input from him if that’s what he was worried about. But he now says that his family have made him realise that he shouldn’t have a baby out there that he is not raising and that he doesn’t want to or feel that he can raise a child (although it was never agreed that he would be raising it anyway). His last message said that he doesn’t want me to have the child and that I need get rid of it because it’s still his baby, regardless if I am the one raising it or not. He is adamant that I get an abortion and I told him in no uncertain terms I am not getting rid of this child. He is being extremely forceful and keeps messaging me about getting an abortion. I’m currently 11 weeks and getting so stressed out with all this.25 February 2020 at 11:28 pm #37135
Clearly he should have thought about that before you both got to this point.
He entered into this arrangement willingly, you have conceived and now do not wish for or feel able to have an abortion. That’s the end of it. His right to choose ended when he donated the sperm. Now it’s your body & your choice.
I think if he continues to hassle you, you need to write & make it clear that he has no right to harass you, and if he doesn’t stop, you’ll have to speak to the police.
Then block his calls. It’s a difficult one but you have a right to be left in peace.26 February 2020 at 4:04 am #37136
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I think Kathy is right.
It’s a complicated situation and should be seriously considered. It sound like it didn’t take a huge amount of time for the agreement to be decided. But saying that, I’m assuming he donated more than once and had time to change his mind when you didn’t become pregnant on the 1st, 2nd plus times.
I’d definitely sort something out in writing maybe see if anyone can help you legally. I think something needs sorting before the baby arrives, to me it sounds like he could want to play a part in the babies life once they are born, with his families influence and if you haven’t got some kind of contract, I’m not sure you’ll be able to stop him.
it’s a really tricky one and I can see both sides, you really need to sort things ASAP.26 February 2020 at 6:16 pm #37167
Urgh what is it with idiotic men?!
Not trying to paint all men with the same brush, there are defiantly decent men out there and my child has some incredible honorary uncles but this is a too familiar story! My ex was adamant I needed to terminate when I fell pregnant because, in his words, me raising his child on my own is like handing him “a cancerous time bomb” that could knock on his door in 18 years time! Turns out this is because he’s actually married!!!! Can’t make this s**t up!
Anyhoo, I told him where to go. Even if you were in a relationship no other person can tell you what to do with your body, coz right now the embryo is part of your body…one day YOUR baby will have half his genetic material but when it has been a donor arrangement then that’s where it starts and ends. I mean not putting your sperm in a woman is family planning 101 so maybe he was a little naive by the arrangement.
Not wise advice but I was even tempted to tell my ex I’d miscarried just to shut him up. I couldn’t bring myself to say that as I’d have felt as though I’d tempted fate if that had happened.
ultimately, don’t be pressured by him. As I say, this is now your body and his mistake if he’s regretting his decision – not yours.27 February 2020 at 2:55 pm #37181
I hope some of the comments from our parents here on the forum have been useful for you. You have described this person as being ‘extremely forceful’. It may be worth your while contacting Women’s Aid through the Domestic Violence helpline. They may have some tips and suggestions to help you to manage this. I hope this helps, Justine
• National Domestic Violence helpline – for support with regards to historic abuse Freephone, 24-hour: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/28 February 2020 at 12:41 am #37198
Its evident that he has made you pregnant willingly and he can’t get away from that. Even if he’s changed his mind!! Its not a sweetie shop here you know!! Its your body and he has no right to tell you what to do in this circumstances. Tell him if he keeps harassing you that, you will get the law involved. No one has the right to tell or force through guilt or manipulation the have an abortion. He made a decision to make it happen and now he’s changed his mind. This is something he should have thought about clearly instead of jumping in and being impulsive!! Just ignore him, change your number and raise your baby.