Specific issues order- school place

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  • #49779 Report


    Hi everyone, just looking for some advice.
    my sons father has applied for a specific issues order and child arrangements order.

    our son currently attends the nursery of the school across the road, once he started the nursery there I changed jobs to accommodate his hours and school holidays, so I am available for all holiday etc.

    when we applied for his reception place in November our sons father also wanted him to attend here, stating “I really hope he gets to stay with all his friends”

    in January he stated he wanted our son to now attend a private school 40 mins away, and get a bus there each day ( he’s 4) I don’t think he is still aware yet that the bus service isn’t actually available until year 3. The school day is also much longer,  i and his dad would not be able to get him to the school each day due to work which I’m assuming he’s expecting his new girlfriend to do this. Which seems ridiculous when I am already available to get him to the current school.

    he then applied for a place without even telling me which had been accepted and he’s paid a deposit again without discussing with me.

    our son has lots of friends in his class that he attended nursery with previously, it took him a while to settle but now he loves it there.

    it’s across the road, already settled works with my work, holidays etc. The private school has totally different holidays to me, and with no other reason than “it’s a better education and sporting opportunities”  I don’t feel it is in his best interests to move school, he’s had a lot of upheaval already, covid, starting school, dads new gf, house move soon etc. It just seems unnecessary to me, I’m just wondering if anyone has had experience of this and house a judge will see it.


    #49814 Report


    Your the resident parent . If a judge sees this he will rule in your favor . You cant just book a school 40 mins away when you arent resident parent. Is dad going to do all the school runs and like you said theres not even a bus for a few years. I would if you are asked to attend family court write a load of reasons why your son cant go . Paying a deposit without consulting you was probably to guilt tripping you into going along with it. The quicker he has realized this isnt going to happen quicker he can get his deposit back.  It seems practical especially as he was in agreement with it originally, to attend nursery/school across road . I suppose next dilemma you got next is what contact you are going to agree to when you sort child arrangements.

    Also 1 final thing it will be impossible for a judge to agree to your son going to a private school 40 mins away if you cant guarantee to be available to get your son there in 1st place. And they will frown on a 40 minute journey if theres a nursery across road where he is settled already as he is only 4 years of age. I imagine he would be extremely tired and would miss his new friends

    #49819 Report


    Thank you so much for your reply, I know in my head that it is the wrong decision, I’m just worrying how a judge will see it, like will they think ‘what a great opportunity”

    he sent me a text stating that he wanted our son to go to private school, I never responded and contacted my solicitor who sent his solicitor a letter regarding it, he then handed me what I thought was an information pack and it was infact confirmation of his place for sep 2021 (which I have to sign) strangely the letter was addressed to his name but with his girlfriends mothers address, I contacted the school to advise this is neither our sons or his address. They then updated their system. I find this very odd behaviour, I suspect his new gf mother would be paying for the school, he earns 50k per year and I suspect he can’t afford it. My son has even mentioned his dad showing him his really cool school on his iPad, which I feel is terrible.
    he has been telling people our son is attending private school (it’s more of a status thing to him I suspect) with comments like “he really needs to start golf” it’s like he’s entered a new world and his son must follow suit.
    we live a very basic life, I’ve already spent 2.5k in solicitor fees, my dad had kindly given me 10k but once that has gone, I have nothing, whereas he has an endless pot. It’s an extremely difficult situation to me in, I feel bullied and pushed into a corner because of finances.
    I actually offered him every weekend Friday 5pm-Monday 7.30am, he said he would agree so long as he could collect him from school Friday and have him every evening 6-8 as he does now (not on a Monday because he works) this was the same email with info from the school, stating the bus return time is 4.50pm so basically I would seen our child for 1hr 10 mins each day, my solicitor said it was clear to see he wants to take my son away from me, with complete disregard for our child.
    I then offered every 2 weekends which obviously he declined, I offered every weekend due to feeling pressured and bullied and hoped that if I offered a good offer we could avoid court, I’m now really worried it will go against me in court that I offered such a good deal, what I would really like is every other weekend and a Wednesday 4-7.
    it’s been a contestant nightmare, with something new every day, I firmly believe he is a narcissist, and it is draining the life out of me.
    he proposed to his new gf recently (after 4 months) I feel this is so he looks for solid for court, will they think that?
    he’s still refused any maintenance payments. Currently he owes me 1300 but has now told them he’s been paying me in cash, which isn’t true and he’s had it on hold whilst they looked into it so unsure why he would then pay cash anyway.
    also in December he told me he was suffering with depression since august, which makes sense considering he’s making all these erratic decisions.
    please bare in mind that before all of this he was barely interested in our son, his life was always more important. Will the specific issues and the child arrangements me two separate things? Obviously I’ve heard they can take months, but we would need to school sorted ASAP. Could I self represent for one and not the other to save money?
    im worried if he is accepted into our school across the road (we’ll find out in April) that his dad won’t sign for him to start.
    I have been in contact with the private school and asked lots of questions, and I am attending a q&a call this week so I can get a feel for the school, but I know already it is not the right thing for our son.  Due to it being so far away I think it’s 13miles away, with travel time etc, his dad also lives another 3 miles away from me so it’s not like he’s close to the school. I guess I’m just so worried and anxious about it all, they have more holidays, meaning our son will be in school and I will be off work and vice versa. The travel to the school is also on one of the most dangerous roads in our area, with lots of accidents (made worse by a friend dying on that road in an accident when I was a teen)  the road is often shut, slightly but of rain or snow it’s shut off. I would be available to collect him after school as it’s much later than my school, but in all honesty I can’t afford to drive there every day and I have an older child that would be forced to come along. But getting him there each day is impossible for him or i, unless his gf takes him, which I don’t agree with.
    also I have an older daughter as stated, her dad and I co parent, 1 week each, would the court take this into account, if he got our son 4 days one week 3 days the next (like he originally asked) it means my children would only see each other for a couple of days every other week.

    sorry for the long message, early morning unable to sleep again and just put all my thoughts down. Thank you for your help x

    #49906 Report


    If you arent getting child maintenance then you need to contact CMS. You can give him one chance to pay you direct into bank and if he refuses he will get put on collect and pay.  The family courts wont entertain the idea of your son going to private school. Dont worry you at some point offered too much contact as you have been bullied and is irrelevant.

    Your offer of every other weekend is really good and if u do offer monday drop off make sure its to school and not to yours at 730 am as son only 4 and wednesday 4-7pm weekly. If there is any negotiating you could then perhaps agree to wednesday  being an overnight (pick up from school) drop off to school in morning. If you refuse overnights due to his young age it maybe that they will only let him have 4-7pm anyway and he would have to return into court in future to try . Also insist that if he wants midweek contact he is to pick up from school otherwise not workable.

    I would enrol your son into school across road as family courts will agree with this 100 %. The other option is not practical and not workable and also whilst in family court you will be able to get a child arrangements order with lives with mum spends time with father ..dont accept lives with both parents due to him trying to make decisions with your input.

    You dont need dads signature either to enrol your son into school across road. I think your signature is required for other school as its a private school and would require your consent.

    It may also be worth you contacting this particular school explaining you not been informed , you were just told/dictated too and you wont be signing as you are not agreeable and have a friendly chat with the many reasons why its not workable like you have wrote on here and that it is probably best if possible that he gets his deposit back as you wont be changing your mind as you are the resident parent .

    Have your 2 kids got different dads by way. It wouldnt matter if so what other arrangement you had with other dad as your daughter a lot older anyway.

    Family courts and cafcass will get on brilliant with you as they are used to mums offering no contact ,sometimes for good reason and sometimes for no reason at all. You are offering contact and just dont want to be bullied and your ex putting himself first and making decisions without any thought

    #49963 Report


    Thank you again, yes I have let cms know that I have received no payment, they got back in touch saying he’s claiming he’s paid in cash and if he can’t prove it he’ll be forced to pay.

    im really hoping they won’t, I guess he just makes me worry as he is so confident the court will vote in his favour for the school, it’s just too much upheaval for our son. I did contact the school and they said they held no contact information for me etc, so I added all this to his file, I also asked if any acceptance is made for me to be contacted directly (I wouldn’t put it past him to copy my signature) which would be silly at this point due to him applying for the specific order, will this be a faster process than the child arrangements. I also have proof in a text he agreed to his current svhool in November, I hope that will help.

    he’s not actually available to take our son to school or collect him (he can only collect on a Friday) he wants to drop our son with me at 7am but I’ve said no 7.30, as it’s too early for him. His original proposal asked that on all his weekday nights, I collect our son from school and he collects him from me at 5.15, which sounds a lot of faff and to be honest, I want to limit hand overs as I get very anxious him coming here as he can be a bit abusive, a few weeks ago he said “I f-ing  hate you you b*tch” in front of our son, and I just don’t want him  seeing these kind of exchanges. He could get him to school by a 3rd party but I’d rather take him myself, we have a great routine for school and I don’t want to confused him by having 3rd parties take him whilst I’m available.

    yes 2 children with 2 different dads, she is 14 but if he gets his way my children will barely see each other which concerns me.

    I definitely want the lives with, he recently said he’s going after my child benefit, although he had no idea what it was called. Basically to ensure he won’t have to pay maintenance but would also put me in extreme poverty as I wouldn’t be able to claim tax credits which I rely on due to having such a low wage. He certainly doesn’t need the £20 a week either.

    #49970 Report


    Your ex partner is just causing you unnecessary anxiety. If he cant evidence he has paid you in cash he will soon find out how nasty CMS are.

    He will have to pay what you are owed or he will end up on collect and pay. Also your son cant go to private school as he wont be able to take him.

    Dropping your son off at 7/730 am would be deemed unreasonable as well.  Also he would need to be careful swearing in front of your son as he could get himself into trouble in future as courts /cafcass would frown on that.

    To relieve your anxiety a little bit i would actually inform private school and say you arent signing as you are not agreeable and he will not be attending.

    Handover you can insist are at school across road from you.  If he can only pick son up at 515 from yours  during week they will also not be agreeable to it if you dont want this to happen. It seems like your ex is in for a very nasty surprise if he decides to go to court and his confidence will soon be 0%. I think his best hope is to hear you out and reach agreement with yourself without going to family court. You will definitely get lives with mum and he cant mess about with your benefits either.

    You can which might be a good idea is ring around a few solicitors to obtain some free legal advice without instructing one . I think this will benefit you greatly

    #49981 Report


    You’ve really helped settle my anxieties with all of this and I can’t thank you enough, the last few months have been hell.
    he’s due to pay at the end of this month so we’ll see.
    would the court find it acceptable for his girlfriend to take him to private school or normal school for that matter, he does have the means to do it just not himself.

    I do have the swearing incident on video too, I know it sounds too far but I video everything as he gaslights and lies a lot. We’d have a phone call he’d say one thing then by text he’d say, I don’t know what you’re talking about I’ve never said that… which is why I video everything. He was swearing and shouting on my doorstep on one occasion then when I asked for that behaviour to not happen in front of my children he said “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you were the one shouting and swearing”  I’m unsure if I will be able to use it all but I’m hoping so, on one he threatens to do all sorts of I don’t stop maintenance going  after him, threatened to call social services then the next day he did so 30 mins after being advised maintenance was going ahead.

    I wish he would but he’s just not amicable and is really a nasty piece of work.

    I do already have a solicitor but have already spent 2.5k 😫 I will have to self represent at some point I think as I just can’t afford it. I feel at a huge disadvantage due to his new gfs parents backing him and being multi millionaires, I’ve heard mixed reviews of self representing, loads of people say it goes against you. I just really hope not as I have no choice



    #49983 Report


    And just to add, my son and I have never been apart for more than 24 hours but he thinks it it “ridiculous and unreasonable” to want a transition period.

    #49998 Report


    Self Represent but get loads of advice off forums etc. when it gets really complicated ie final hearing secure a barrister . You will be fine as you not stopping contact and also promoting it. your ex is the one that has got to worry. if u was not child focused which u are he could be facing a lot of huge problems


    #49999 Report


    Also i would like to add sometimes, although not all solicitors  they will take advantage that you are anxious and u could end up with a huge bill by needless communication between yourselves.

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