Sons dad not responsible
28 June 2020 at 10:10 pm #41783
I’m hoping maybe someone has been through similar and can maybe advise me.
I am at the final stages of divorce from my 6 year old sons father. He ended our marriage in April 2019 for no real apparent reason. He didn’t move out until I had finally had enough of the torture of thinking he couldn’t really mean it as he hadn’t moved out day in day out my hopes would be squashed. In August I moved with my 2 children into a new house as I couldn’t stand being there.
He then started telling me of his regret etc and would say things to make me think he wanted to get back together but then take it away- I suffered 2 ‘strokes’ in the October however they couldn’t find anything on the tests so it was diagnosed as conversion syndrome which is when your brain converts stress to physical symptoms. This caused me to be off work and after months of being off I am now redundant.
In the November I found out he had in fact cheated and a lot of other lies. It seems our 8 years together was all a lie.
it’s been absolutely awful and most days I am affected by the stress and have extreme tiredness, paralysis of some sort and struggle with cognitive processes.
We had mediation in January this year as I wanted him to understand how difficult it was for me to give our son to him because he was in effect a stranger to me and my trust was at absolute zero. He sat there and agreed with everything and it gave me a bit of hope that he would stop lying and see that I needed to be able to trust him with our son.
lots of other things have happened that have made me question his responsibility with our son but every time I have challenged him I would get abuse and told I was paranoid etc., I know I wasn’t but he would say I’m trying to punish him because of what he did.
I would have to back down because my health couldn’t cope.
So when lockdown was announced myself, him, and my daughters dad agreed that so they kids could carry on we would although be in 3 different locations we would act as one household. He then got ill so we went 14 days just to make sure we were safe without him having our son. In that time I got antibiotics for him, food etc and dropped it off to him.
he then went back to work but shared the measures they had put in place with me and I was happy to continue in our ‘bubble’
then a few weeks later I got told he had been seen at his girlfriends home. I know where she lives so a few times I drove past to see if his car was there- one evening it was.
I called him and no answer- I then said that our son wanted to FaceTime him can he please call back. 10 minutes later he FaceTimed back and had gone back to his flat, wet his hair and put a towel round his shoulders and said he had been in the shower. I then told him I knew he was lying and even then he lied.
i told him he couldn’t have our son as he had broke our agreement and put us all at risk.
lots of abuse came my way, he never approached me with any constructive ways to start the contact again, I initiated regular FaceTimes with our son and regular meet ups at the park so he could see him.
i initiated mediation again, it was a zoom call and it got very heated but on balance I agreed to if he could social distance for 2 weeks meaning only fling essential shopping and work then his contact could resume, although Long term I wanted him to address his lying and deception.
it got to 2 days before his contact was to resume and he once again broke the agreement and lied to me numerous times and now his father joined in, it was literally 10 minutes prior to a planned park meet up that I found out, I tried to confront him quietly as we got on the car park of the park but he made up 2 different lies and it got very heated. He went to my car opened the door and said he was going to take our son. Our son was crying and it was just awful, I called the police as I was worried he may take him.
He eventually left but now our son is left with no proper contact with his dad and I need help, how can I get the reassurances I need?
he doesn’t see that he broke any rules, he doesn’t see that he could of potentially caused a risk, he doesn’t think his lies are an issue, he says I’m using our son against him, he says I’m trying to alienate him from out son, I can hand on heart say I’m not, I want my son to be with his father I truly do but how do I get h m to address his lies and deception?
how can I get some reassurance he’s putting our son first?
i have well founded concerns there are drugs involved but I don’t know how I can get him to see I only care about how his actions and behaviour affect our boy,
the police were lovely but they can’t make him see, I am honestly scared that he doesn’t believe he has done anything wrong and it petrifies me that he may unintentionally put our boy in danger and not just regarding covid regarding anything.
he has an arrogance that he is above anyone and anything and all my concerns are made up- he doesn’t have the ability to see my concerns, I feel like I’m trying to communicate with a child and I’m so scared.
he said he is going to get a court order for contact but the point is I don’t want to stop contact I Just want him to address the lying that would give me so much hope,
I don’t know how and where to get help, I’m cracking up because I can’t take the abuse any more but know I can’t compromise our sons safety and well being –
any advice is more than welcome thank you