Son staying over at dad's
13 May 2019 at 9:21 pm #24885
I’ve been divorced nearly 6 years now, tried to keep things amicable for my son’s sake but it’s difficult as my ex has serious narcisstic traits…on most issues there is just no talking to him. The main issue being our 8 year old son’s ASD, my ex will not accept ANY of the boundaries, guidelines or routines our son needs and, in fact, delights in messing things up as much as he can ESPECIALLY when he knows my son and I have “an adventure” planned or we have just been away. He is not an easy man to talk to, lies a lot and takes no responsibility for ANYTHING, if he can undermine me, he will.
One huge concern for me, especially as our son gets older, is sleeping arrangements at his dad’s one bedroom flat. I have provided several ‘Ready Beds’ for our son’s use but these have ALLEGEDLY all been damaged (never seen any evidence of this) My ex says our son has sole use of the double bed and he sleeps on the (leather) sofa but my son has always said that daddy sleeps in the same bed as him (and, when he had a gf, that daddy and his gf both slept in the double bed with him!) Given my ex’s predisposition to lie I am actually more inclined to believe my 8 year old. At what age do you think it becomes inappropriate for your child to share a bed with a parent? My son hasn’t slept in my bed since he was 5 and when we go away I always book a twin room even if a double is cheaper. Am I being over cautious or is nearly 9 too old to be sharing a bed with an adult?! I’m not comfortable with it but there is just no talking to the man!13 May 2019 at 10:21 pm #24889
I must admit I have no problem with your son sleeping in the same bed as dad, I’m sure that one day your son won’t be happy with it and then it’s time to stop. In a way it’s best if lines are drawn in that dad’s bed is dad’s bed and the child’s bed is the childs, but that’s mainly for the child not to expect to sleep in dad’s or mums bed. I do recognise though that there is nothing more secure for a child than to go to sleep cuddled up with mum or dad, it’s a lovely thing.
However, and it’s a big however, I do not agree in any way, shape or form that its ok for a child to get into bed with mums or dad’s new partner, that’s just wrong and personally I’d be livid if that happened to my son, thankfully it never has and as he is older now I know it won’t ever happen, I guess I have a sensible ex.
Mark13 May 2019 at 10:49 pm #24892
Mark, you are lucky. My ex seemed OK til just after we married, then it was like he switched off. Since then it has become more and more like banging my head against a brick wall. OBVIOUSLY I am livid about son telling me dad’s gf has shared a bed with them both but ex denies this which causes distress for autistic child…I believe my son but ex is narcissistic about it and I can’t put my son through more stress, my ex is already doing that to us both.14 May 2019 at 10:53 am #24898
I sympathise with you, I’ve known one or two girls that changed completely once they got their hooks in, I felt as though I’d be had on false pretences and wasn’t what I’d signed up for at all, I will never understand why people do that.
Having had a disastrous relationship with a narcissistic sociopath I totally get why you’d believe you son rather than your ex, nothing and no one is as important to someone like that and they don’t care what harm they cause by their actions so I’d be concerned should dad get a new gf but as it is I stand by my original reply in that Co sleeping can be a lovely thing.16 May 2019 at 8:15 am #24946
Sharing a parent’s bed is never unreasonable unless the child objects. Until then you’re being unreasonable even if well intentioned. His time is his time to make parenting decisions. This is not a safeguarding risk so there’s not any issue beyond you having different perspectives.