son gets distressed when dad sends other people to collect him

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  • #12144 Report

    Michcatt
    Participant

    My ex partner has our son two days a week. Flexible days to suit his days off work. Several times a month he doesn’t come and sends his dad to pick him up. My son is 16months and gets upset when he goes with either his dad or grandad. Whilst I know I just have to ‘suck up’ the tears when his dad takes him but it is becoming more and more distressing to let his grandad take him. He gets hysterical and clings on to myself or my mum. I sent a message to my ex telling him how upset our son gets and asked him would it be possible for him to pick him up in the short term until our son settles a little more. He replied back saying he would send who he wants and that our son will settle down once he is in the car for 5 minutes or so. I don’t understand why he would want to let his son be upset and distressed. He settles so much quicker with his dad than his grandad. Am I being unreasonable asking for him to pick him up??? I have said it’s only in the short term until he settles down properly. Do I legally have to make him go with his grandad when he gets in such a horrible state? It’s such an awful situation.

    #12200 Report

    SCmum
    Participant

    Hi

    I just wanted to say I’ve been through the upset of a little one not wanting to go to dads. I understand how you feel.

    i don’t know the legalities of other people picking your son up but I would try again speaking to your ex( I know it can be difficult) try one more time asking if for the next few visits if he will pick up your son due to the upset. If there’s a reason for him not being able to come such as he’s not finished work and it would be too late when he did see if there is an alternative way to do pick ups.

    i used to be really cheery and say what a great time my son would have and explain all the things he was going to do with his dad while his dad was there- showing him it was ok to go. Sometimes it worked sometimes it didn’t and we had to wait for him to calm down and all be together for a few minutes (was sometimes half an hour) I would then say ok are you going with dad. The majority of times it was fine and off he went. He was a little bit older though and I let him know that daddy would ring mummy if he wanted to talk to her.

    your little one is still quite young and I seem to remember mine being quite clingy at that age and with anything Lille leaving a room or dropping them at child minders, so it could just be a phase. And I know that doesn’t help when you see your little one upset.

    i would genuinely try and speak to your ex again and see if you can come to a reasonable arrangement, his answer isn’t right really and just explain that you want to make this better for your son and all of you, deep down it must be hard for him too seeing his son not want to go with him.

    hang in there it sounds like you’re really trying to make this work for your little one x

    #12217 Report

    Michcatt
    Participant

    Yes this is all informal. He stopped seeing our son for a period of 3 months so I have tried to introduce him back to his dad.

    I am unfortunately not on good terms with my ex or his family. He has bullied me since the split and untill recently was continuing to send manipulative messages to me. His family all stopped any contact with me for reasons I do not know.

    Access and contact is done through my mum and pick up is at her house.

    Grandad I fear is just doing as he is told and feels as awkward about the situation as i do.

    My son goes to nursery. He doesn’t cry or get upset when going but he did for a short few occasions. Neither does he cry or get upset with any of my family but they have spent time with him and gained his trust.

    The situation is just so frustrating and upsetting. It brakes my heart to see my son crying uncontrollably and to be driven off regardless.

    #12220 Report

    SCmum
    Participant

    That sounds so hard, I’m really sorry you are going through that.

    it may be time to have a more formal agreement in place, again I know that is difficult but an independent support can often help you get to an agreement that works

    I hope it gets resolved quickly for you and your son

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