Home Online forum Gingerbread Forum Son does not want to go to his dads

This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  SOLOMUMMY 5 days, 23 hours ago.

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  • #22157 Report

    Clairej
    Participant

    Hi all. My 12 yr old son has said for over 6 monthd he does not want to go to his dads anymore.

    He says he and his wife make him feel horrible and that theu treat him differently to his 14 yr old sister.

     

    Does he have to keep on going or do i have a right to say no he is not going as on 2 weeks out of the month he is upset and withdrawn.

    Thanks

    #22165 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Isit court ordered contact?

    If so yes you’d be breaking the order.

    However, have you got your dso to explain this to his dad on a one to one basis?

    Have you spoken with him?

    Without the above its unreasonable.

    #22168 Report

    Clairej
    Participant

    Hi

    No court order is in place. If he stopped going could my ex apply for a court order to make him go

    Thanks

    #22186 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Yes he has a right to contact with his son and at 12 years of age his opinion would be heard, but the focus would still be on maintaining a relationship. Hence it would be preferable that you have at least attempted to get the son and father to communicate over this – even if it was a letter form your son to him and then a 1:1 meeting somewhere neutral. If this is not possible for you to intervene and explain the situation so that a compromise can be reached.

    His reasons may well be justified but could also be typical 12 year old viewpoint. ANd you need to keep this in mind. How would you feel if he refused contact with you?

    #22205 Report

    Kels79
    Participant

    My son is 11 and recently has refused to go and stay with his dad but welcomes his dad to come and visit him. His dad was married to another woman after our divorce (the woman he left me for and so in the beginning a very touchy subject for me) and my son got to know her.  She was very good to my son. She treated him very well and he built up a bond with her when staying with his dad. Then his dad disappeared for over 6 months and left us wondering if and when he would be in touch again. When he did finally reappear he announced he had split with his wife and was now living with another woman and her two kids. My son was taken to this woman’s home after over 6 mths with no contact under the pretence that they were going to spend some father/son time together ( I was told they were going to stay in a hotel)  and found himself having to share a bedroom with a child he had never met before, in a different town, whilst trying to deal with the fact that he was never going to see his stepmother again or his bedroom in their home. Suddenly he was faced with a woman he had never met and her two children.  He was expected to sleep in their home in her kid’s bedroom. He wasn’t comfortable with this and said he needed his own space. But he was was chastised and told to sleep on the sofa if he wasn’t happy staying in the room with this child who was to him a total stranger.

    He came home very subdued and unhappy and I couldn’t figure out what had happened. He finally admitted that he felt out of place there and didn’t even know these people his dad was now suddenly calling his family. And what’s worse is that he cried at the prospect that his own father was now spending most days with two children that are not even his own children whilst neglecting his own son who was crying out for his attention.

    We have asked that my son’s father comes over here and prioritises him whilst accepting that he has a right to move on and build a new life.

    He hasn’t really been there for my son despite so many chances and he seems to blame me and my son for why he doesn’t want up go over there and stay with him. And yet he’s made no sacrifices for his son and has never prioritised him. Plus my child is not the adult, not the parent. It’s my ex husband’s responsibility to prioritise his son and help him to adjust to the new life he has chosen to live.

    My son craves a relationship with his father but his dad has never made much of an effort to make it happen unless it’s on his terms. After discussion around why he has been unable up provide financially for his son (while I live hand to mouth as a single mother) he told me he was in extreme financial difficulties and was struggling to survive. And yet he is now financially supporting his girlfriend, her two kids and now guess what?! Another baby on the way! And this is a man who was happy to watch me unable to meet my rent again this month and appealed to me not to chase him for money for his son as he was so poor. He’s also taken my son’s heirlooms he gave to him when he was a baby. He took them from his drawer in his bedroom and it broke my son’s heart – he valued them so much as a part of his heritage.

     

     

     

     

    #22206 Report

    Kels79
    Participant
    1.  
    #22211 Report

    SOLOMUMMY
    Participant

    Kels79

    I would open a claim with the CMS for maintenance let them get you a payment.

    He’s made life choices that maywell be difficult financially but your son is still entitled to a piece of the same cake!

    Does he have any contact now?

    Have you ever had mediation or has your son ever spoken on a one to one basis with him over this?

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