Son attacking new partner

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  • #40966 Report

    Tombliboo
    Participant

    Hi,

    I have been separated from my kids dad for 6 years now. My son, almost 13 has always had a problem with me ever having a boyfriend. Not that I’ve had many!!
    I have been seeing my boyfriend now for 18 months. I introduced him to the kids after about 6 months (I have know him for years through work)
    My son is not happy with this. The first time my son threw a drink over my boyfriend and was lunging at him, punching him. The second time he didn’t get physical but just hurled verbal abuse at him. Then since he has stayed out of his way but only because other friends/family were here also.
    Last night we decided to give it another go by having a social distancing takeaway in the garden with friends. My son wouldn’t join in, but kept coming downstairs to ask when everyone was leaving. Once my friends had left and it was just me and my boyfriend the verbal abuse started and then the physical punching. My boyfriend just walks away and goes home.
    I have tried time and time again talking to my son about this, he has said that my boyfriend will replace his dad (who they no longer see) that he doesn’t like him and that he doesn’t want me to be happy.
    I am at a complete loss as to what to do other than to wait until my son has grown up and left home and hope my boyfriend waits and we just carry on seeing each other when I can get a sitter.
    Thank you

    #41007 Report

    Marv282
    Participant

    Hi Tombliboo

    Actually it breaks my heart reading about your plight as I know this is what I put my mum through so many years ago. I hated that my mum was with someone other than my dad, I spent a lot of my younger years trying to impress my dad and essentially be good enough for his love or some kind of affection. My mum fortunately went on to marry her boyfriend and they have been happy for a long time now but on the odd occasion the past has come up in conversation my mum describes a very difficult time. Wish I could give you advice on how to deal with it but unfortunately it took me to ‘grow up’ before things settled down and I really get on with my mums husband as he’s such a pleasant, relaxed guy who looks after my mum and makes her happy. I haven’t spoken to my dad ironically in years as I eventually saw him for the narcissistic, controlling man he is and realised I didn’t need his approval for every decision I make in life. I have to say though if your boyfriend can handle the attacks emotionally I would just persist as you being happy is important for your children too. He will come around, just needs time to learn more about his emotions, why he feels them and how to deal with them, unfortunately anger is a ‘go to’ emotion for teenage boy but if he is anything like me its sadness reincarnated to an easier to express emotion. Give him hugs and tell him you love him whenever possible and things will get better, just don’t put a timeframe on it. Happy to chat if it helps. Take care

    #41037 Report

    Tombliboo
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply. That’s really reassuring to hear.
    My son does express a lot of his emotions through anger, which we are working on.
    My partner can handle it, I just find it so awful and feel embarrassed and like a failure that my son can behave in this way.
    We will keep on trying, my hope is that the more my partner and my son see each other then my son will realise that the outburst won’t work and accept him. As you say, no timeframe though!
    I’m glad things worked out for you with your mums partner in the end, I myself had a fantastic step dad.
    Thank you so much.

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