So very, very overwhelmed…how to cope???
15 September 2021 at 12:43 pm #59214
I am at a loss, I really am and when I searched “how to get through divorce” and this came up so thought would give it a go.
I have been with my husband for over 10 years (married 5 years), we had a separation last year as we were both unhappy and I suggested we just have a trial separation instead. He agreed and gave me the changes he would need me to make to be happy in the marriage, I said I would make the changes and he moved back into the family home December last year.
I must admit that since he has moved back I have been complacent and not kept up with the changes he needs (in a nutshell, I have struggled with depression, binge watching TV, little interest in doing things, overeating and severe weight gain – he still finds me attractive but self esteem is rock bottom, lost libido, and in his eyes, not setting enough boundaries with the children – they are aged 12 and 13 years – he is step dad and we have different parenting styles – he is more authoritarian and I am more caring/nurture, they still have regular contact with real Dad and we have a good relationship). We have both been unhappy and I have been extremely paranoid because of low self esteem and things have slipped again, obviously that paranoia has seeped into how I act around him. So much more but don’t want to bore and too much to go into. Anyway, to cut a long story short we had another chat a few months back about me still not making these changes so we put a time limit on it, this was again another tactic from me to keep him there I think. During this conversation, he told me he didn’t love me anymore, well he didn’t love who I had become and really couldnt continue in the marriage if I didn’t make these changes and this hit me like a tonne of bricks, I kept holding on to the fact that at least he still loved me. He feels that I was fixating on this and should focus on making the changes rather than fixating on that he didn’t love me and reminded me that he didnt love me when we first met but the love grew. But still, I haven’t managed to make these damn changes and he picked me up about it in July and I admitted that I didn’t think I could make these changes. So, we agreed to separate.
We have lived in the same house (the house is up on the market), he continues to be nice and cuddle and kiss me, the physical intimacy has increased as has, or had, my libido so I was dealing with things quite well. It felt like we were getting on much better than before and I was confused but happier. I mentioned this and he said its because we actually have something in common to sort and focus on but we still have the same issues as before, I know he is right but I don’t think this has helped.
I have moved in to my new rented property on Saturday and I am absolutely distraught, its like we have only just separated. I hate the house, there are so many niggles wrong with it, the children have to share a room so they are arguing, boxes and stuff everywhere. I have hated leaving my home.
I feel so, so alone. I relocated to be with my husband (then partner) when we first got together and now live approx. 1 hour away from my family and the children’s Dad etc, so friendships have dwindled and although my family are available on the phone and such its not the same and I don’t want to keep bothering people.
I can’t stop crying, I am hardly able to eat – I am hungry but just cannot face food, can’t sleep properly and my 13 year old told me she is worried about me last night, which isnt surprising as I cant stop crying and walking around like a zombie, which really just set me off again. This morning the children were moaning at each other and about having to share a room and I just snapped at them and burst in to tears, and feel so awful. I was unable to stop crying on the way to work, I mean ugly, wailing crying. So much so that I had to pull over as I was having a panic attack and threw up. I nearly drove in to another car and it is scaring the living day lights out of me at what I have become. I arrived at work and just broke down, again the ugly, deep pain crying I was so embarrassed.
I really need to be there for my children and I feel that I just can’t cope, I just can’t seem to get my s**t together, it hurts so very much and I don’t know what to do to make it better.
My husband still messages and asks how I am, he helped me move in and put wardrobes and stuff up. I still have contact daily for things like the house and picking things up and such and he has said that he will always be there as a friend and will come around if I need him to as he is just up the road until we manage to sell the house. He is being so kind but I don’t know if this is making things worse. I just keep thinking, this is not really happening we will get back together and we will have our life back, I will have my best friend back, I will have my house back, he will realise he still loves me and everything will be ok and I wont be have to cope with things on my own. But, logically I don’t think that will happen. I just want this pain to end.
Please, if any one can help or offer advice, I really am desperate.
Sorry for the long, rambly post too.
Thank you for reading x15 September 2021 at 3:07 pm #59221
Hi, sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I read your post twice and want to ask you or more to yourself, do you enjoy spending time with your husband, does he excite you, don’t mean physically but intellectually too? Do you want to be with him? Personally I didn’t hear any of this, and maybe this is the reason why you didn’t have any motivation and became complacent. Sometimes we can be in love with the security and practical advantages of a partner rather than love them for who they are and want to be with them for anything other than what they can bring to us.15 September 2021 at 6:13 pm #59230
Thank you for this reply. Its a tough question and I’m not sure of the answer if I’m honest. Something to think about. All i can think about at the moment is how much I love him and miss him. When we were together, I was thinking that I didn’t love him and we needed to end it.16 September 2021 at 10:15 pm #59307
Awww, it’s so tough isn’t it, being or feeling alone? Even if the relationship is bad, there’s just some comfort in being with another person and thinking “someone else cares for me so I must be worth something” – or at least I have thought that in the past. But there was something so strong, so beautiful, in becoming my own best friend, not needing someone else to make me feel ok or worthy, just deciding that I would be that for myself. It’s taken lots of emotional effort, lots of training (the emotional equivalent if training for a marathon or Iron man I reckon), but I did get there, and there’s no secret or complex formula apart from lots of self positivity (what is good about you? Genuinely what do you appreciate about yourself? If you’re not sure what would your friends say? Logically there will be plenty of things but it’s really hard to believe good things about yourself at first when you’re not in the habit of doing it). One really positive thing I can suggest straight away is that you’re reaching out to find solutions which suggests that you are resourceful and are a good problem solver…
The other really useful thing I can suggest is to accept that what has happened has actually happened. Until your mind can accept the reality of the situation you’re in, it’s not going to be possible to do anything to make it better. That doesn’t mean you have to like the situation, but recognise it for what it is, and then see what you can do to change it or move away from it.
Best of luck to you Lost at sea, I reckon there are bright new things just over the horizon and you will get start to see those possibilities at some point, and from then on all will seem so much brighter xxx17 September 2021 at 6:30 am #59311
Thank you for that anikey and yes you’re right, even though we haven’t been getting on it was still someone there.
And that’s where I need to get to, realise we are not getting back together but its so hard and painful to think that. Then I start thinking about all the things we did together and won’t be doing together again, it’s awful.
I have self referred for counselling so hopefully that will help.
Thanks for your reply 🙂