So drained I need advise please

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    I would like to start by explaining the situation, the relationship broken due to domestic abuse( sexual, emotional and financial control) from my ex which I couldn’t prove to family court. He has been arrested by the police  but that wasn’t enough for family court as the case  was still under investigation till after fact finding hearing and was going to be raised to the crown prosecution after the final hearing of court.

    The father wanted 50/50 so he won’t pay Child maintenance. And also as a step to apply for full custody to break my heart.


    Final hearing result was child lives with me and father have our daughter 4 days out of 14 plus shared holidays and I have the right to take my daughter out of the country for one month without the father consent.

    I withdrawn the case with the police for the best interest of my daughter. She started to be attached to him and didn’t want to break her heart

    The father contacted child maintenance to reduce the amount he pays.

    When my daughter goes for a sleepover, she often returns without most of her belongings and when I ask about it he says sorry and that he will send it, but that doesn’t happen and I keep buying replacements.

    I am seeking advice regarding different things,

    1- Child maintenance, can I speak to them openly about my situation? Or it’s paper work that follows court order with calculating overnights?


    2- the father doesn’t pay for nursery and I pay it in full, does the child arrangements I mentioned above puts me in a position that he shares more?


    I am in low income part time job and I pay more than what I earn on childcare, I have been controlled financially so I have no money but the universal credit.

    3- my daughter comes after contact distanced doesn’t even hug me or kiss me and offen tells me that Dad plays with her that Daddy Vs Mummy and daddy always wins through games.

    Recently she stopped sharing anything about what she does on the sleepover, when I asked her what she ate, she answered that she doesn’t want to tell me. When I asked why again she said because her dad told her not share anything with me.


    She wets her self many times a day after she returns all the time and it takes her three days to return to normal.

    How can I deal with her? And what to do?

    4- father often lie that she is dirty or not wearing proper clothes, while that’s not true and that scares me that he has a plan to find any claims to get full custody later. What to do?

    5- I want to apply for divorce, i know he wrote everything he has on his father’s name so I won’t get 50/50 of anything. I have been advised i can ask for amount of money. My worry is if I got any money from divorce would that affect my claim to universal credit? As the money would go on rent and bills and then I find myself with no UC or money.

    6- if I took my daughter for a holiday for one month, do I have to make up the missed sleep overs? How to do them if yes?


    I am overwhelmed with everything and need advise please 😭😭😭

    #50463 Report

    Hi Lou-K

    I’m Michelle one of the Moderators here.  Thanks for posting in the forum.  This sound like a very difficult situation and I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this.  There are some services that may be able to offer you support with what you’ve described. I’ve listed some legal services below:

    Rights of Women: Free, confidential legal advice by telephone for women on a wide variety of issues. Specialist areas include family law and domestic violence.

    Child Law advice service – they again provide legal advice on family law issues related to children, they have information on their website, and a helpline staffed by legal specialists 0300 330 5480

    Family Law Panel   A free directory service for members of the public to access professional and independent family law information. Solicitors offer an initial free advice session. Professionals who can offer support with Domestic Violence are listed with a purple ribbon next to their name.

    Civil Legal Advice helpline on 0345 345 4 345 to check to see if you qualify for legal aid and for details of local family law solicitors that provide advice and representation funded by legal aid

    You may find some answers to some of your questions, and particularly around maintenance payments in the information pages within the Gingerbread site:

    Information – Gingerbread

    The Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline may also be able to guide you with some of your queries.  Here are the contact details:

    Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline – Freephone 0808 802 0925

    Opening hours:  Mon 10 – 6, Tues 10- 4, Wed 10 – 1 & 5 – 7, Thurs 10 – 4, Fri 10 – 4  They can be busy so callers can expect to wait up to 20 minutes before the call is answered


    I hope that this helps.

    Kind regards



    #50471 Report


    1- CMS like to see paperwork like court orders about number of nights a parent has with kids, and they reduce maintenance based on number of nights. 4 nights a month wouldn’t amount to much. he will prob get £30-40 off per month. he would need to send them the court order.

    2- with CMS they work out an amount he must pay based on his gross income. and he has to pay that amount each month. he is under no obligation to pay additional, unless he wants to. you may be able to speak to CMS and ask can they consider the nursery costs.

    3- – How old is your child? I think because the change from moving from one house to another is a very big change for her and she has become unsettled. Maybe you can communicate with your ex and try to co-parent on basic things like feeding and toilet routine, and bed time.

    4- try to ignore him and do the best you can with your child. you could take picture of child now and then, with date/time stamp, for your records and evidence if you need to in future.

    5- – Am not expert but any large amount of money received, like from a house sale does affect benefits. e.g. my parents are retired/pension. did not pay council tax. but after a house got sold, had to start paying council tax as usual.

    6- if the court order does not tell you to make up missed days with your ex, then you don’t have to. but it would be kind of you to do it.

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