So confused – I think
30 September 2020 at 3:45 pm #44448
Hi – I have been married for 22 years but now just facing up to the reality that I haven’t been truely happy for many years. I’ve been putting up with things and just planning to deal with it; but this year, I’ve come to the realisation that I don’t want to be like this in 5/10 years. My husband is a good man, good dad (we have a teenage child). But we are very different and those differences, where they were not so obvious in earlier years, and now really obvious and grate on me. I’m trying to hang on til my daughter gets to 18 in 3 years but don’t know if I can. I know I have to wait 2 years to be financially set up (I’ve already planned this). We haven’t been intimate for about 5-6 years – it just all stopped and we never mentioned it – and I don’t want to be now, not with him. I am very fond of him, will always care for him. But I find trying to be with him hard work. I’ve been to Relate counselling myself; he won’t go, won’t accept there are problems. How do I get through the next couple of years? I am trying to keep busy, trying to be a good wife but it’s hard. I’m finding myself snapping at him, he irritates me with his judgements on me, my daughter, the neighbours and so on. I just wanted to get this down in writing, it’s kind of cathartic. I cannot see a future with him. I’m 53 now and feel like I just want to move on. The other thing is that we rent the house we are in. So i know I have to be financially stable to afford to rent on my own. And he will walk away with nothing which makes me feel incredibly guilty as he’s been very good over the years (although a bit controlling, judgemental, intolerant), especially with my parents who are not easy. How do I know that what I’m feeling is normal, and not just age related (I don’t think it is though, I’ve been feeling like this for years)? I feel bored and trapped, and want to be on my own. We are just kind of civil to each other, but several days, don’t actually talk very much at all. And it’s just pecks on the cheek, if at all. The last time we hugged was last October and that was because his mum had been taken into hospital and he was upset. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t deny what I’m feeling. Thank you for reading this.30 September 2020 at 9:34 pm #44454
I’m in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my partner 15 years, we haven’t been happy for a long time. We’re civil but don’t really talk and haven’t for a long time. We haven’t had sex for 10 years. It took lockdown for me to realise I dont want to live this life with him anymore.
I think deep down you know whether its age related or not. I’m 40 soon and had the same thoughts! Then I realised I’ve lived all of my 30s not being overly happy and dont want to start my 40s off the same way.
Our daughter is 12 and my partner has said we can stay in the house until she finishes her GCSEs and then we will have to sell. I work part time and think I can just about manage it. I also feel terribly guilty as he will have to move out and has nothing.
It’s a hard situation, I can’t offer any words of help but you are not alone.30 September 2020 at 10:05 pm #44455
Communication is surely key?
From what you’ve said, you have a very respectful attitude and I just wish that was my situation, so whichever way you go, the signs are good … that you’ll minimise any hurt or pain. Please just don’t do what my wife has done and go along the route of – no communication, 6 month affair, tons of lies, followed by sudden departure from the family home to live with new partner. The destruction left behind is just awful and making sense of how we pick up the pieces is now going to very tough.
Somehow he’s got to get engaged with the problem? Even if that means you work towards separation, then surely it’s got to be less traumatic for everyone involved?
Not sure how you do it if he’s refusing help. Best of luck and nice one for getting started by being open on here. Sure others will give some advice.30 September 2020 at 10:26 pm #44456
Thank you both. LonelyDad2boys – I’m really sorry your marriage ended so brutally. And MaxsMum – it’s good to know I’m not alone. I keep trying, but I just end up feeling frustrated and disappointed. Looking back, this has been growing since 2011 but it’s taken lockdown, weirdly, for me to acknowledge what’s going on. I do know what needs to happen but feel so isolated as he won’t acknowledge what is happening or not. Right now I just want to cry because it’s all so dead. But thank you both.