So Confused don’t know what to do

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  • #53668 Report


    Hi I’ve just joined, I separated from my ex last June, I left the family home because our constant arguing was affecting our children, and if I didn’t leave I knew he never would. It almost broke me as a mum leaving our two children. The only way I could see the children was to come to the family home and see them as I was told at first, if I took them I would not return them, so that’s what I did. I tried to sort out other ways of seeing them but he always gave reasons why it couldn’t happen. I applied to court for child arrangements, but before the first hearing he said they could come to mine and I could see them whenever I wanted, stupidly I withdrew my application, this arrangement didn’t materialise, so now I am stuck seeing them only at his house with him there, he suggests going out to do things with the kids in front of them so they want to do it, so I feel I have no choice but to agree, so we go and do things all together. He tells them, mum can come round and see you whenever she wants, so if I don’t go round they think it’s because I don’t want to see them. They don’t understand that it is not right for me to have to see them only at their home, he has created a situation where the children see it as normal for me to come to their house and see them and they don’t need or want to come to me, and I have made it worse by continuing to do it for so long it has now become the norm, and I was scared if I didn’t do it this way I would never see them. I don’t know what to do, things are such a mess, if I try and change things now and say I’m not going over there, it will seem like I don’t want to see them. My ex tells them he will do whatever makes them happy and if that means, me coming over all the time then that’s what he will do, when the truth is it’s because he wants me to be there all the time because he can’t accept we are over, but how can I explain this to the children.

    Any help would be good, as I don’t know what to do anymore

    #53669 Report


    I’m on the receiving end of being walked out on and I’m sorry to say but whatever the private details may be the end result of your choosing,was to walk out on your kids which is deeply unsettling and desstabilising to them.I hope you don’t feel this is too harsh Their father is probably trying his best to hold it together for them.It’s a most excruciating job-if your kids are young, and very difficult if they are older.I would suggest you respect him for what he’s doing for the kids by trying to keep a home going for them and abide by his rules.He probably reasons this is the kids home and you are welcome to visit.Just bc a parent decided to pack their bags does not automatically mean everyone else needs to change their routine to accommodate them.I find this attitude egoistic.By leaving the kids with him you have made him the boss.In my humble opinion if a spouse is so bad why on earth leave vulnerable kids with them?!

    #53671 Report


    Was he controlling in the relationship? He’s trying to use the children as pawns and it will get worse.

    My situation is with a possible narcasistic personality disorder. (I look k up his behaviour as I can’t understand it and every time it says narcacism but he’s undiagnosed) History with his ex and me of control and violence. Research narcacism, research controlling behaviour, gaslighting and abuse. You don’t go into full detail but the control is there. Looking up those things may click things into place for you and they may not.

    Get legal advice.people don’t understand abuse, why did you stay, why did you blah blah, abuse experts do understand, so if this is abuse continued by using the children as pawns get help, it will get worse. They can also use court systems to keep seeing you it’s well known and change is being fought for.

    That’s if this is abuse continued of course, but control is there.



    #53672 Report


    morning:) I too left my family home due to arguments and an unpalletable situation for a child to be bought up in, I didnt want my child to think that not communicaing with a fellow parent is a ‘normal’ thing. My child comes to my house 50% of the time. I know its not the ‘original family home’ BUT it is ‘our’ home whilst they are here. It seems to me that your ex is controlling the situation for you and the children, even if its not the intention its still controlling I think.  I would rearrange legal child arrangments, the kids need to be able to see you in you own space.

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