I have been a lone parent (in every sense of the term) of 3 beautiful children for 8 years now, and I have self isolated for so long. This is due to a very difficult and dangerous divorce and I had to hide for a long time. As a result, I never really made real friends, forget even contemplating a relationship. You could say I lost myself and never found me again.
I have also been coping with depression, anxiety and panic attacks due to long time domestic abuse. This further isolated me as it made relationship with family difficult as they did not understand it and I could not explain it as I did not understand it myself at the time. Although, our relationship is mended now, sadly, it is not the same as it used to be and I am not sure it will ever be again.
I am sick of feeling lonely, sick of fear and looking over my shoulders, sick of allowing a bully to live in my head even when I’d scaped the bully. I am sick of feeling sad and constantly worried. I am just sick and tired.
I am having a bad night, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain from overthinking, I have no one to talk to, I feel no one I know understands me, I feel sorry for my babies as the only parent they have is broken and will be missing out on even more.
I have worked really hard to get my life back on track but I feel like everytime I move forward one step I immediately go back three steps so I am always playing catch up. I am in a rut and I am sick of being in one 😭.
I am pretty sure tomorrow will be easier but just needed to rant for tonight 😞.