Single, pregnant and worried
29 March 2020 at 10:25 pm #38499
I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant, me and the baby’s father were together for around 7 months, found out I was pregnant and broke up 3 weeks after so November/December. So from the beginning I’ve been going alone.
When we broke up it wasn’t easy, I loved him, but he just ghosted me, I don’t believe I had done anything wrong and still to this day he hasn’t explained why we broke up, but I’m guessing it was to do with another girl.
He finally got back in touch when I messaged him about the first scan (a week before Christmas) and he sounded excited and couldn’t wait. We had the scan all was good and we went our separate ways, he said he would be in touch for us to ‘talk’ but he wasn’t in the right frame of mind right now.
It got to the new year, I had just found out a really close friend had commited suicide so I really struggled. The same week I was having photos sent to me from people which were my ex (the baby’s father) and a girl. He had moved on. Every single time I asked him, as I had suspicions, he would say nothing was going on and they were just friends. But these photos were not photos you would share on social media if you were just friends. It broke my heart even more. I felt humiliated and still do to this day. He doesn’t bother to message me anymore, and when he does we argue.
He wants to be involved in the baby’s life, which is fine, but he’s done nothing so far other than bring me stress. He’s told me that from when the baby is born he wants the baby 3 and half days a week. I’ve told him we won’t and can’t make arrangements until the baby is here. I want to breastfeed but he’s saying that’s because I don’t want him to be able to take the baby. Which is not the case. I feel stuck I feel like every decision I try to make I’m made out to feel like I’m wrong. I don’t know where I stand. He is now living with this new girl and her two kids.. I’ve never met her and have no interest in getting to know her. I feel like he just wants to take my baby away from me to play happy families with them, or my baby will grow up to not like me or like his girlfriend more than me. I’m struggling with my pregnancy mentally, I can’t speak about it without asking people to stop. I just feel like when the baby is here I want to have my time to bond without him around or taking my baby away from me.
I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I stand with boundaries. He doesn’t care, I haven’t seen him since January and he’s expecting to be at the birth. Everything is making me so uncomfortable and making this pregnancy miserable for me. I have 15 weeks left and want to enjoy them but I constantly think about him and what he’s going to do when the baby is here and it worries me.30 March 2020 at 5:33 am #38517
Congratulations. The first thing to do is stop worrying about your ex. He has no say until after the baby arrives.
He has no right to be at the birth and I’d advise against it. You need someone you trust absolutely as your birth partner- mum, sister, best friend. Only tell him after the baby is born.
You should breast feed if you can. His views on this are irrelevant. Don’t put his name on the birth certificate. Make him ask the court to add it, when you can also get an access order agreed That will give you the first 4-6 weeks to bond while he has no legal rights. Then the court will give him access of a couple of hours maybe every other day, with you present, gradually building up to overnight after a year or so.
Don’t let him bully you. You are in charge here. Talk to the Gingerbread helpline, and try to enjoy your pregnancy. x30 March 2020 at 6:31 pm #38545
Hi could i just say i get how you feel i was in the place as you are now around about 8 years ago maybe a little longer.
What your feeling right now the worrying being scared on who knows best for when the baby is here . No matter what you and your baby are already bonding your doing the one thing your ex can’t do creating life keeping your baby safe inside you.
No man in the world could ever take that away i know myself when i got told i was going to be a mum for the first time in my life everything that was going on in the world did not matter all.
When i told my son’s dad the news the first thing he asked me was are you sure it’s mine then if so i want a DNA test i laughed and put the phone down from that day i knew he was not worth my time but i never took anything or wanted anything from him and i made sure he knew that.
like your self i was starting to get stressed was not enjoying being pregnant at all.
Then i felt my baby kick for the first time i knew the one thing i had to do was stop stressing over what the ex wants or says all i wanted to do was give my baby the best start in life the bond is there and be know what because i will tell you now all the pain and stress all the worrying your feeling now goes away as soon as your baby is in your arms having that skin to skin bond the second he/she is born there is NO LOVE LIKE A MUM’S LOVE.
I wish you and your baby all the luck and love in the world from one mum to another mum. always go with what your gut tells you its called being a mum it will never let you down.
Good luck lovely xxxx3 April 2020 at 2:11 pm #38641
I agree with everything Kathy (above) says. Don’t bother trying to converse with him for now. He has no rights. I also wouldn’t have him at the birth, choose a family member or close friend instead. Then, don’t tel him when you register the baby’s birth. get him to apply through the courts to be on the birth certificate. If he is deadly serious about being a decent father he will do this. If you do put him on the certificate it will complicate your life if you’re not together and I think you could do with bonding with your baby without the stress and pressure of him (especially in the early days).
ive just gone through all of this so I speak from experience.
good luck x