So christmas is all over, my almost two year old has a bike and a farm set and is thrilled but I am wracked with guilt, disappointment, feelings of unworthiness and defeatist emotions. I keep thinking ‘you would have done much better if you’d spent xmas with your dad'(his dad has a solid family unit, parents together, 2 brothers and a sister in law who all get along). I was at my mum and dads planning to spend xmas there until I decided it was best to leave and my step-grandmother paid for us to get the train back to our home town on December 23rd. my relationship with my mum is very turbulant and my mum has a long history of poor mental health, i felt concerned for my son and so did my grandmother. I knew we’d be spending Christmas alone, our house wasn’t decorated and i could only carry one of my sons presents on the train. I keep trying to remind myself to count my blessings ! we have a warm, safe home to go to which is more than we had last year. I managed to get it all together on xmas eve, decorated house, did a food shop and wrapped presents ready for my son on christmas morning. I just feel so wracked with guilt and inadequacy. I just feel like he wanted his family around him and i couldn’t give him that. We spent christmas day with two friends and it was quiet. Despite my relationship with my mum he loves his nanny and kept asking for her which broke my heart. However despite the fact that she plays with him a lot she does not remain consistent and quite often flies off the handle if he walks in to the wrong room at the wrong time so a very unstable relationship for him to have in his life hence why we left. I just feel awful that christmas is over and it felt like an ordinary day and we didn’t see any family. I feel like i wasn’t enough for him. he kept saying nanny and daddy. just feel very down and drained. i want next year to be so different. any advice?
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