Single parent dating again

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  • #63791 Report

    Akay
    Participant

    Hi,

    Cutting a long story short, my ex (sons dad) was my first and only real boyfriend, knew each other since I was 16, although took me a year to commit to him and we were official when I was 17. Spent 10 years together, many ups and downs, had our son (planned) but split when he was 6 months old, as ex had affair, found out weeks before my 27th birthday. During those years my weight yo yod, it didn’t matter my size I was always self conscious but felt comfortable around him. That was until he had affair, obv wasn’t good enough for him lol grass wasn’t greener tho as I bettered myself and he tried come back, I stuck my ground and focussed on myself. He’s had several gfs and now settled for over a year, however I’ve never got passed talking stage, only 3 first dates in nearly 4 years. The problem isn’t finding men to date, it’s finding the right one. I have created a massive wall and won’t let anyone in, for the fear of being used or hurt again, especially now I have my son to think about. I’ve also done well for myself since we split, good career, bought house, car etc, so always doubt guys have right intentions when dating. I do want to start settling down again, have someone to share my family memories with etc, however I can’t go through the trauma like before. It’s took me years to get where I am, although over my ex, his actions have caused damage that’s hard to undo. Has anyone been in similar situation and got any words of wisdom?

    #63868 Report

    Emma208
    Participant

    Please don’t think people have affairs because of your weight. I am a size 6/8 and have been cheated on a fair few times in the past and once recently. We are good at picking ourselves apart in one way or another though and all have our insecurities. He cheated because his moral compass is way off, nothing to do with you. I too have built walls related to my situation and dating (widowed and bad relationships since, causing me to want to protect myself from further hurt and protect my son from meeting men when he doesn’t have a consistent one on his life). Anyway, look up attachment theories, you can do an online test for free, they’re really interesting in understanding how you attach therefore how you come into relationships and the stance you take, I’m fearful avoidant, and a lot of reading around it makes sense. I have also started counselling over my grief which I think has caused the attachment issues I have, perhaps your trauma (the affair) has too. Perhaps consider that too. You sound great, very headstrong and capable, someone would be very lucky to come into your life if you can find a way to let them x

    #63932 Report

    Akay
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your response. I try not blame myself but understand why it happened, I lost weight quickly after split, mainly due to stress and over worked. My ex saw this change and immediately tried to come back, but I stood my ground, not good enough before so not happening now. I’ve read a lot about attachment but more from a professional view, mainly due to my job as a teacher so I’m used to thinking about it in relation to a child’s behaviour. I know the affair has affected me, mainly as my dad done same to my mum, she took him back several times but he continued to do it, then she finally left after her mum found out. My mum has had 1 boyfriend since, didnt end well as he was mentally abusive etc, now he’s been single ever since, about 20 years. I’m guessing these could all link together, so will defo look into ny attachment style for a better insight into my way of dealing with things. If u don’t me asking, how did u go about counselling? I’ve thought about it a few times but can’t get passed first step, I fear others looking in will think I’m lieing as I’m very good at putting on a front etc lol thank you for your lovely comments though x

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