Single mum of 2 for 18 months and feel so lost and lonely
14 April 2019 at 12:10 pm #23500
New here, Never posted on anything like this before. I feel a bit silly really, there are loads of people worse off than me. I just feel like I’m stuck.
Since becoming single, I started working, moved home etc but it’s like I’m just going through the motions, I work 4 full days a week, the kids have school, clubs, classes etc. It’s only me at home and no family near, except my eldests grandparents, who help as much as they can, Even with my youngest. I just feel like there’s so much, how can I shoulder it all? My girls are 5 and 10. I miss so much of their school activities (plays etc) due to my boss being a bit of a bully and completely unmoving on flexibility.
I’m afraid my kids will only remember that mum was at work all the time and never came to sports days etc.
So I go through my days just, school drop off, work, pick up, dinner, time with them, then bed time comes…
When everything’s done…
And the lonely hits…hard.
There’s no one to call, everyone’s busy with their own lives, kids or just out having fun.
I don’t have child free nights or weekends as my ex is in the army and stays with his alcoholic mother when he gets leave. There are no sitter services near me, but not even sure if I’d trust them if there was.
Any tips or ideas to help me not go crazy would be appreciated.
This probably made no sense and may sound a little selfish, sorry if that’s the case.
Thanks14 April 2019 at 1:22 pm #23507
Nothing you’ve said sounds selfish, after all your thinking of what the long term effects on children by missing school plays etc so no not selfish at all.
Your post is not silly, being lonely can be devastating both mentally and physically and your far from alone, many of us here feel the same loneliness, certainly on the weekends when my son visits his mum the loneliness drives me up the wall, the house is too big and too quiet, I loose routine and submerge myself in work, in fact at the moment I’m working 7 days a week as my son is having an extended holiday with his mum.
My first thoughts would be to cut down your hours by changing jobs, firstly it would mean that you get more time with your kids, plus you get away from your bullying boss…bonus! With the age of your children the government expects you to work part time and will then top up your money, it’s not a great deal but it’s enough and while you may take a financial hit the benefits of more time outweighs the cons. I gave up a well paying building business when my boy was around 3 (he is 13 now)to be a full time single dad and have never regretted it, what I’ve gained is priceless, when your little ones are older you’ll find that you will have more time to get back to work.
Without the pressure of working so much it might be worth looking into things that fit around your children but are purely for you, it might just be some pampering time for yourself but equally you might look into doing something where you can meet other people such as a club?
One great resource you’ve now found is us lot here at gingerbread, you’ll meet all sorts here and many will know how you feel, it maybe in cyber world but you’ll be amazed at the support you can get and friendships you make so keep posting and keep writing on other threads.
Remember you are not alone!
Mark14 April 2019 at 3:08 pm #23509
Welcome to the forum,don’t ever feel silly and as Mark said remember you are not alone.14 April 2019 at 9:48 pm #23531
hi, I’m sorry to hear of your situation. I fell lost and lonely too and I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by friends and family, so I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to be so alone.
In response to your question, does your street have any sort of social media group? My street has a facebook group where people can chat, help each other etc. If your street has anything similar maybe you could see if anyone wants to join a book club at your house, scheduled for a time when your kids are asleep. You could even mention that it’s a flimsy excuse to meet new friends and drink wine. Or even just be honest and explain your situation, I’m sure you’d get a few people willing to pop round for a cuppa.
I hope you find some support soon, take care of yourself. Sam16 April 2019 at 7:43 am #23626
Thanks Marc, Welshdad and Sam 🙂
I am looking for a new job, but jobs with child friendly hours seem few and far between 🙁
I’ve also looked for groups etc but there don’t seem to be any for single parents, there are mother/toddler groups etc but my girls are past that stage now.
🙂16 April 2019 at 9:17 am #23630
Welcome to the forum!
Loneliness is a big part of this process sadly and you are not selfish for wanting more for yourself.
You are a person beyond a mother – try getting involved with things at the school maybe, look for clubs for your girls which will allow you to met new people with children similar ages and also give you some time to carve out a few hours for yourself or cut down on your workload.
Keep in touch on the forum and keep talking.
It’ll help gradually.
Mark17 April 2019 at 11:07 am #23729
Hi sjane, you aren’t selfish, and you certainly aren’t alone.
I’ve been apart from my son’s dad for 7 years. Like you I seem to be on a relentless wheel of school run, work, school run, cook, homework. I work 5 days but have a more flexible boss thank goodness. i have no family locally.
Your children will remember that you were always there when they needed you. They won’t doubt you love them so put that out of your mind.
Loneliness gets all of us at some point. Can you do something specifically for you on the morning you are at home and they are a school. A class or a group. An extra aspect to your life, with outside adult input even if it’s only for an hour. I think of it being me rather than me plus one, just for an hour, when I run on Saturday mornings.14 July 2020 at 10:14 am #42233
I’m afraid my kids will only remember that mum was at work all the time and never came to sports days etc. So I go through my days just, school drop off, work, pick up, dinner, time with them, then bed time comes…
When everything’s done…
And the lonely hits…hard.
There’s no one to call, everyone’s busy with their own lives, kids or just out having fun. I don’t have child free nights or weekends as my ex is in the army and stays with his alcoholic mother when he gets leave. There are no sitter services near me, but not even sure if I’d trust them if there was. Any tips or ideas to help me not go crazy would be appreciated. This probably made no sense and may sound a little selfish, sorry if that’s the case.
Kids will remember a hard working mom that did what she had to do at that time. Remember kids are extremely flexible and adapt to situations easier than you think! Keep you head up! Shoulders back and march on!
You. can. do. this!14 July 2020 at 11:27 am #42238
It’s not silly at all. I’m lucky that i negotiated with my work so that i spread my hours over 5 days so i work 9-3 it makes it so much easier. I used to work 9-5 3 days a week and i struggled on those days getting everyone everywhere (i have 4 kids) and picking everyone up etc.. At the moment though i work from home apart from two days a week and even then i don’t usually see people in the office as we are all in at different times. I am missing speaking to people because although i have a house full breaking up frequent fights over fortnite is not quite the same as having an actual conversation.
I am never alone i always have at least one child here, usually two but the older ones are 12 and 14 now and they barely speak to me apart from food requests or whinges about the internet, when my two younger ones (6 and 8) are at their dad’s i can spend the whole weekend without having a conversation with anyone. It’s been extremely lonely and i have found myself getting upset frequently. I do have friends but they either don’t have children or live an hours drive away and they all have partners so wouldn’t be able to understand my situation.
I have just applied to do my Masters because i need something to do so i’m not sitting at home wallowing in self pity, something i often do especially lately. I tried online dating but in all honestly i don’t think i’m ready to meet anyone else just yet even though it’s been 5 years since i left and i just need to sort myself out first.
It is really difficult being on your own and you’re not being selfish, everyone needs to let off steam and have a whinge occasionally. It’s important to remember you are more than just a mother and you deserve to be happy too, something it’s taken me many years to realise.