Single mum for 6 months and struggling

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  • #6265 Report

    sian1338
    Participant

    Hi I’ve been a single mum to a 5 year old girl for 6 months. My ex husband and I split because he couldn’t keep it in his pants for the whole time we were together. I’ve done pretty well up until the last few weeks were everything seems to be against me. The landlord handed me my tenancy notice for no reason, was going out with someone for a few weeks but they decided it wasn’t going to work so that ended, the ex seems to have a charmed life and got a new job that pays ridiculous money and a girlfriend who is an obvious upgrade and the list goes on really. People keep saying I need to learn self love before I can move on but the truth is I hate myself. Feel like I’m rubbish at this single parenting thing, feel like there must be a reason I can’t keep a relationship even though I know for a fact I haven’t done any wrong to anyone, and I’m so lonely. I have friends and family but nothing provides any relief. I know I need to go to a gp and get some antidepressants again but I’m petrified they will just see me as a reject too. I am so furious that my ex who is a complete and utter narcissist, seems to land on his feet and have a charmed life while I’m struggling. I know I’m being a bit paranoid, but I can’t help but think that this girl he is seeing is just going to try and take over me being a mum and take my daughter from me. She is the one last shred of me that someone could take, and I’m convinced he will make sure of it.

    I’ve never been so miserable in all honesty. Nobody told me how lonely and insane you can go parenting with such little support.

    Sorry for the sob story, it’ just how I’m feeling and I’m terrified this is forever now.

    #6266 Report

    BC_Kid
    Participant

    Hi Sian,

    I just read your message on the forum here… I can empathise with you so much. In a very similar situation myself but from a male perspective around 18-24 months ago and tbh it’s taken A LOT to get to a point where I don’t feel like you’re feeling now… Just know it can be done and happy to chat anytime here or by PM.

    It may feel like there’s no hope but in some ways there isn’t for a doomed relationship so I have to hear up to start again.

    Try to avoid social media etc, make time for yourself, try and chat with other people, it all helps.

    X

    #6268 Report

    sian1338
    Participant

    I just feel like nowhere is sacred. His lovely life is being rubbed in my face when he doesn’t deserve anything at all after what he has done to me and his family. His girlfriend is everywhere in my face. I don’t want him back I just can’t deal with him getting to live happy when I have to struggle and be miserable. It’s not fair at all.

    I honestly don’t see how this will ever get better. I haven’t got the fight in me anymore, I’ve had enough of having to fight for my sanity and my happiness. If I knew it would be this bad I would rather have just stayed miserable with him for the rest of my life because at least there wouldn’t be this horrible feeling of being lonely and consistently upset/angry. I haven’t got it in me to fight for another 2 years like yourself to get a feeling of normalcy back, I’m too exhausted and I don’t know how to.

    I just don’t get what I’ve done to deserve feeling like this.

    X

    #6269 Report

    Graham
    Participant

    He’s not really a winner Sian, after all you get to see your lovely girl everyday. Think about it, you’d give everything to make sure she was ok right? And that is how much she is worth and a solid reflection of the sacrifice and job you’re doing looking after her on your own. I know, I’m in a similar place, keep going, keep going, you’re not alone.

    #6272 Report

    Jao1409
    Participant

    Hi Sian, lots of what you say resonates with me, my husband left me and my two kids for a younger colleague 18 months ago. I felt so crap about myself, thought  it was because i wasn’t good enough, looked at him and thought he had it easy, could do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and I was stuck here with the kids and no life. Everyone told me time would heal things and I’d feel better but I didn’t believe them, my life was over! Well they were right, 18 months on and I have a totally different mindset – to hear you say his new girlfriend is an upgrade breaks my heart! You will get through this and see that you are the winner, you and you’re little girl will become a team and have a bond that nothing can beat. Let him have his life, I bet it’s not as perfect as it looks! And you are amazing just the way you are. You just can’t see it, you need to work on that. X

    #6276 Report

    sian1338
    Participant

    I need to be clear, I absolutely do not want him back. If I could cut him off completely I would, but I know I would financially lose out (self employed so fudges his numbers if CSA was involved so he wouldn’t pay me as much) and I would lose out on a lot of childcare if I did. He finds ways to psychologically punish me for things. People always say they have been out with a narcissist but he truly is one. It is toxic and all consuming. I don’t want to feel like this and I am so so sick of him taking away every last piece of me. He just turned up with his girlfriend to my house to drop some bits off the baby left behind, and I nearly flew into rage. I don’t think I’ve got the strength or energy to push through and just keep going to be honest. It is so tiring and lonely doing it all. I love my daughter, she is the last piece of me that is good and pure and I’m petrified he will turn her against me and take her away from me with his lies and manipulation. He is the king of gaslighting (if you don’t know what that is look it up, it is horrific) and has even managed to convince his mental health team that he was just depressed despite my 3 hour conversation with his lead to tell them what he is capable of. If taking my daughter is his goal then I’m thinking I can’t just bring her up for the next 10 years just for her to leave me as well after he has spent all that time whispering in her ear. Feel like I’m on the brink of a psychotic break because of everything. It’s all just too much. Thank you so much for everyone’s kind words and encouragement. I just don’t know what to do to help myself. I was never like this. I’ve always been strong and determined, and nothing phased me. I don’t even know myself anymore.

    X

    #6317 Report

    Emma Yorke
    Moderator

    Hi there Sian1338,

    Thank you for sharing your situation with our community – it sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time and we hear what you’re saying. You’re not alone. It’s so important that you continue to reach out and get the right advice and support to help you through. You and your family’s well being and safety are the priority.

    Just to let you know, we’ve sent you some information that you might find useful – do check your inbox when you get a moment.

    Please take care of yourself and remember, you’re doing a great job. Please feel free to continue using our forum as much as you like.

    Best wishes,
    Emma – Campaigns Officer at Gingerbread

    #6415 Report

    Puddleduck
    Participant

    Hi sian, I am a single mum of three years and feeling very down at the moment. But it’s winter and I have a bad cold and I’ve been better than this for a lot of the last year so I know it will get better again. I have appointment’s in the new year to see a homeopath, my doctor and a councillor and I read a lot about self help. If you’re thinking about any of the options to improve how you feel then the sooner you ask for help the better for you. A doctor sees someone who is finding life hard everyday and they will absolutely not judge you. Good luck x

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