Single Dad unsure whether to go to legal/what to do
11 September 2020 at 5:54 pm #43799
My ex partner got pregnant in early 2019 and gave birth to our daughter in December 2019. Admittedly, when we first found out she was pregnant, I was in complete shock and did suggest an abortion which didn’t go down well, this conversation did go on for round a month as she did think about it. She decided she was going to keep the baby and from then, I’ve never thought about the abortion and focused on doing everything right for the baby. However, the whole pregnancy process wasn’t the best, I was receiving a lot of abuse from her wishing I wasn’t in the picture and just walk away/saying I’m not allowed to be near her and more along that lines. Coming up to when she gave birth, she said I couldn’t be at the hospital during which crushed me but I accepted but she did say I would be allowed to come afterwards. She knew she was going to be induced so she had an idea of when she was going to have the baby but she wouldn’t tell me the date, still to this day I don’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to know. Then on the day she gave birth I got a text from her which turned out to be an hour after she had that she has given birth, it was in the afternoon and she asked not to come to hospital which I tried to understand as I could imagine her being tired and everything so I left it. The morning came and she became really nasty and said I’m not allowed to see her and I’d have to wait till she’s a week/two weeks old. I genuinely did beg and beg to the point where I did call her mum and she completely understood and finally got her to let me come. Once I got to the hospital, she literally just had a go at me from start to finish and was really rude and horrible to me and it did completely ruin the moment for me and it did just destroy me at that point. She said I had to go then as I was getting up to go the nurses came with the photo’s that she got taken, I just offered to pay which was £200 and she got various bits plus an online website to view the photos, she did say she would send me the link and logging details but whenever I asked in the future she always came out with that she hasn’t got round to setting up and various other excuses, in the end I just left it. The first couple of months was not easy again, I wasn’t put on the birth certificate, very rarely saw her but then about 3 months later, we finally got to the point where I manage to sit down with her and our parents there too to try and put something together. Came out with that I could see one day on the weekend for 3 hours with her there. This was happening and at times it did get better, but 99% of the time it was still just awful and still a lot of just nasty things said my way which in the end I just kept taking and taking. Covid obviously hit and she wouldn’t let me see her despite the government saying separated parents could see children but I did just accept it purely because off the abuse just wore me down tremendously, I didn’t see my daughter for 13 weeks, many weeks longer than what it should have been in my opinion. Through the Covid period, I was promised pictures and facetimes weekly, it started for the first 2 weeks then went adrift after and if I did ask for an occasional picture, I just got shouted at basically. Coming out of Covid when she did agree to start, it started at every other weekend for the 3 hours and at that time, the day would have fallen on fathers day but she said no to that and I just again said ok and went on with it. Got to the stage again when it was becoming one day on the weekend for 3 hours and it has been like that since but for me, it’s just really annoying because she’s always there and I’ve never been able to just be with my daughter alone for a bit and really connect. Through lockdown, they was obviously inseparable in through that time, my daughter has obviously and naturally become clingy to her so she is very shy of me but it’s just that I don’t even get a chance, I will just hold her and she may make a little noise but she will grab her straight from me and just not let me connect with her. It’s just so hard and I don’t know what to do. I want more time with more daughter and time alone with her to connect, I hate the 3 hours one day a week, it feels like nothing especially with her around.
I just don’t know what to do anymore11 September 2020 at 6:29 pm #43802
Also, do you have any ideas how I can better connect with my daughter. I just want to be the best possible and supporting dad for her11 September 2020 at 6:40 pm #43806
I think if you’re consistently and reliably going to be present in your daughters life, which includes helping out financially then you’ll need to make an application to the courts to be added to the birth certificate. I assume your ex will not agree to this outside court? That will give you equal parental responsibility. Then make an application to the courts again, if mediation fails, for a child arrangement order to determine regular contact and set times. I’m sure you’ll understand initially it’s not likely to include overnights, and should gradually increase. It shouldn’t need to be supervised though unless there are safeguarding concerns, this would allow you to visit your family and allow her relationship with them to develop too. The only way you’ll learn about your daughter and what makes her happy is to spend time with her, getting to know her. There’s non manual unfortunately. The more time you invest in your relationship, the better it will be.11 September 2020 at 6:47 pm #43807
Thank you Greenfingers
I absolutely am supporting financially and buying as much as possible and whenever needed. Thank you, in a way I know deep down that is the best thing to do is to go down that route but I just have some inner fear about it which I don’t even know why I do myself. Thank you for the advice, as you say I do not expect anything right away, I’m more than happy and completely understand how it’s all gradual so it’s for the best.
Thank you12 September 2020 at 7:00 am #43813
Hi Brain house123
I completely agree with greenfingers, Do you feel you could talk to your ex about your initial shock and your reasoning behind it and how you feel now?12 September 2020 at 10:54 am #43814
We have tried speaking many times about it and she does say she does understand why but it does seem to have a subconscious hold. I have been fully open about everything and have tried to make it work with us all and the family in the past also.12 September 2020 at 12:02 pm #43816
They always say to try mediation first, which if you are both in agreement can be very effective in putting both your proposals forward and hopefully reaching some fixed arrangement, if you both agree you can make this legally binding also.
It is so sad as it not only effects you but all your family too and it is important for your daughter to spend some time with and yours as well as at the end of the day your daughter is apart of you too.
The fact you are not on the birth certificate and you are not letting that deter you in your responsibility, I admire as a lot of people would see this as an opportunity not too pay anything.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things and if you know this hand on heart, then you don’t have to be fearful. I know there is two sides to every story and we only know what you have told us but from what you have said try not to let the nasty verbal consume you as it can lead you of track and make you doubt your right of way. Stay grounded keep close ones near.have you got a good support network?
Hope you are able to get something organised soon.13 September 2020 at 11:25 am #43833
Thank you for your words, do appreciate it massively.
My parents are great, always have been. I’ve got a close group of friends, another guy and two girls but they all work away/abroad with their jobs. Whenever I did use to see them it use to always cause arguments, if I ever did anything at all, even if I was to go to my best friends house for an evening and watch a film she would somehow know and I’d start getting shouted at. It has got to the point where I’ve now just stopped going out at all, only leave the house to go to work then straight back home. I’ve completely lost all confidence and when invited to go out and do things which I use to do, it has just gotten to the point where it actually scares me too now, how it scares me is beyond me but I think it’s just that I would do anything to save her having a go at me as it does get me down even more then having in the back of my mind that she may stop me from allowing to see my daughter at all.
I know I probably sound pathetic so apologies!13 September 2020 at 8:44 pm #43836
You are not pathetic far from it.
You are on the right path and taking the necessary steps.
I recently put a post up ‘consumed’ I think if you get a chance it would be worth you reading the convo as I think it could be helpful to you, as it also helped me.
It is going to take time but you must focus your energy now on yourself and building yourself up it is hard but I feel it will make you stronger from all this in the end.
Don’t think about what your ex is doing and I know this is easier send than done and again this is why I ask you read ‘consumed’ as it can start to do this which is nt helpful.
But when you do start just focusing on this and most importantly the positive steps you are taking in being granted regular fixed visitation you will be in a healthy place.
Keep doing what your doing, hold the facts close by keep any evidence just in case.
I feel you need to address the mediation ASAP, write down as much as you can about the situation, the steps you have taken, you have a support network and what you would like from the outcome with regards to visitation etc… Depending on your work situation and overall circumstance but you may have rights to 50/50 so this is also worth putting forward.
It is really hard when you’ve been treated in such a way but don’t be bullied out of what is right, your daughter needs you too!
If you ever need to chat PM anytime, it is really good to keep talking, talk, talk, talk.. It is good therapy believe and try get some excerise in where you can just to give you that head space you need and you will begin to revive.
Take each day as it comes, you will get there.15 September 2020 at 6:16 pm #43964
Thank you for your words Sunshine