Single dad, how do you beat the loneliness?

[UKdadParticipant]

Hi I’m not usually like this and have found writing this extremely hard so be gentle. I was in a long term extremly violent (on her side)relationship for 8 years, it ended badly after having one child. My daughter who is 9 lived with her mom until she was 6  but she has been with me for 3 years now. I’m finding things are starting to get really lonely.

I have lots of friends and a great family but now after 3 years of focusing soley on my little girl I feel I am in a really bad place.

My confidence has vanished, I have put on some extra weight, I worry all the time that other women will be like my ex but the hardest thing of all is when people show any interest I push them away instantly. Kind of feel im not good enough for anyone

We live a really good life, we have loads of fun and she is everything to me.

I’d just like to hear others story’s of how they found someone decent to  share fun times with  I’m pretty masculine and this subject 8s a complete taboo with friends, they just seem to see the strong,  happy me.

[Gingey28Participant]

Hey Ukdad

Nice to speak to you. Sorry to hear of your experience, cant relate but here to listen and talk anytime

Probably you are protecting yourself by pushing others away. If you say you are lonely maybe time to let someone in. Do your friends see the person deep down. Maybe open up to them. Not really until speak to people find out really whats going on deep down

I have a 1 year old. Was not in a relationship with his Father (who isnt involved at all, his choice) i have pretty much been single all the time. Few boyfriends here and there but not long term. I find it lonely but i like my independence

[Wanderer.Participant]

Morning Ukdad,

am sorry you have been through all that abuse and trauma. No one ever walks into a new relationship wishing for a hard time etc.

You have said a few things like lack of confidence, worry and nit feeling good enough that would suggest to me that your struggling within yourself and that is why you push people away. It’s very common that when someone goes through abuse and trauma that they feel low about themselves. It is not easy to step up and say things in public but you have taken the first steps to healing yourself and getting back the confidence and feelings of self worth. Give yourself some praise for that alone seriously. As a bloke you probably feel that society asks you to act a certain way, that is a load of rubbish. You can act how you like and discuss what you like. If your man mates are too hard to discuss then i feel sorry for them.

Would you be interested in reading any resources online or books that will help you ?  If so let me know and I’ll post some resources for you.

Keep your chin up. Am sure your daughter is blooming with all the love and care you give her.

 

[GingerbreadJustineModerator]

Hi there UK Dad. I’m Justine from Gingerbread.

I am pleased to see that the other parents in the community are communicating with you.  I hope this is helping as it takes strength to say that things are not feeling great.  I have some agencies to signpost to you so I will be sending you a personal message.

Take care.

Justine

[Harry PotterParticipant]

Hi Ukdad,

It is important to try and  find some adult  company  and I resorted to on-line dating. It’s amazing  how many people  out there are in the same position eg single parents with children.

I met someone and we’ve been dating for a couple of months , its not easy as we both have to juggle priorities but we make time for ourselves too.

I thought it would be lonely, at times it’s quiet when I’m home alone but that’s also relaxing at times too.

I guess at the end of the day there is someone for everyone it’s just important to go find it, and as a shy and introverted individual I thought it would be a lot harder than it has been. It’s just required an acceptance that on-line is the modern way forward.

Keep positive, it will get easier

[Sarah36Participant]

Hi I can totally relate to how you feel, I’m a single mum and a survivor of domestic abuse so can understand how you lack confidence,push people away and worry that others will hurt you aswell (emotionally/physically)

Unfortunately I havnt got all the answers but you have done the hardest part by getting out and being there as a dad, so well done you.

I hope that writing your post gives you lots of advice and people to talk too.

This is my first evening on here so glad I came across your post x

 

[UKdadParticipant]

Thanks for the replies i really appreciate the time you have all taken out of your days, sorry its been a while, had a really busy week and have only just come back on here. Been a little better latley just slotted back into the same old routine, happy face , strong mind etc, im going to reply to you all individually thanks again for your kindness i didnt expect much if any replies.

 

 

 

 

 

[UKdadParticipant]

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Hi Gingey

Nice to speak to you as well, im definatley protecting myself i know this to be the case, some of the stuff ive been through was horrific to say the least over a really long period of time and i should never of allowed it to happen. My daughter was 6 months old when we split up (ive always been there though) and have been single, apart from the odd night out etc for so long now, wouldnt even know where to start by letting someone in properly. In regards to them meeting my daughter as well.

I also value my independence and that i feel is another obsticle to finding a good relationship

 

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[UKdadParticipant]

Evening Wanderer

It was a very long time with the ex we were together for 8 years, split for 6 no need to be sorry i try to see it all as a distant memory these days. I do lack confidence so bad but the worst thing is it affects how i am with a woman. I was always so full of confidence, never had any issues dating but now i feel like a shadow of myself. When a woman shows interest i back away and dont recipericate which then obviously drives them away.

Its not just male friends its also female, i have a big circle and they are just as bad as the lads, feelings or/and emotions are seen as weakness, hard to say but sadly a fact 🙁

Although i appreciate the offer Im ok for documentation etc, i am a very strong person when it comes to hard times, i always manage and my daughter is always placed on my shoulders, she never suffers and has the most amazing life now, which makes me smile more than you can imagine. 🙂

 

• This reply was modified 8 months, 3 weeks ago by  UKdad.

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