Single and Pregnant

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  • #43988 Report

    Leilarhi
    Participant

    Hi guys,

    I am here because about a month and a half ago I went on holiday to Tenerife and briefly met a man there who I fell head over heels for but his intentions with me were very different to what I first thought. We dated for about a week and a half and when I came home I discovered I was pregnant.

    I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy even though he was adamant he didn’t want it, and I understand his perspective. For a while I thought it wouldn’t be right to go ahead but I have always wanted children and felt like everything happens for a reason.

    I am now 10 weeks and past the medical abortion stage, I don’t think at this point of be able to abort and part of me is excited about what the future holds while the other part of me feels so much shame and embarrassment about it. I feel incredibly guilty for going ahead with it. The father isn’t happy with my decision, and even though now he has said he would want to know about the baby and how it is doing, we barely talk and when we do I can feel his anger and hate towards me, which makes me feel worse.

    I feel like I have stolen something, like I don’t deserve to go ahead with it, like I am unworthy of love and acceptance, rejected, and alone. I also feel very embarrassed every time someone new finds out, my heart sinks at their reactions. Some people are very supportive and I have a huge family who are very happy about it but as it is getting to the point where I am starting to show I feel that people outside of my close group will start to pass judgement and that’s very difficult to deal with. I have already had a couple bad reactions one person was very volatile towards me about it and totally shamed me for my decision and what happened.

    I guess I am just seeking others who have had a similar experience to me and to feel like my decision is ok and what I have done is right. Because a lot of the time I feel like I have done something very wrong, to bring a child into the world where their father doesn’t want to know me is going to be very tough. I wanted my first pregnancy experience to be lovely but so far it has been stressful and I have suffered severe anxiety and depression.

     

    #44048 Report

    Hi there Lielarhi

    I am one of the moderators at Gingerbread and I am pleased you have posted your experience here on the forum.  Hopefully it won’t be too long before other parents start chatting with you as you have been very honest and open about how you feel.  I am sure some users here will have been in similar situations.  We have a number of pregnant forum users and it may be a good idea to search out their posts and see if they are happy to connect with you.

    I wish you the very best for the future and thank you for posting.

    Kind regards, Justine

    #44050 Report

    Greenfingers
    Participant

    Hey leilarhi

    it’s such a shame that you’ve felt unable to enjoy your pregnancy so far as you’ll never get to experience your first pregnancy again and it’s passing you by. There’s parts of your entry that makes me think you’re really wanting to embrace it. Whatever your circumstances, given the opportunity people will voice their opinion, and unless you value their opinion then I wouldn’t give them the opportunity to offer it, ie. I wouldn’t tell them what brought you to the position you’re in. I’d just say how much your looking forward to the future and enjoying your pregnancy. If they’re rude enough to ask for the details (which is absolutely non of their business) then I’d have a stock answer. Does the guy live in the UK? How easy is it going to be for him to ‘be present’ in the babies life if he chooses? Personally if he doesn’t seem keen then I’d put him out of my mind and if he wants to learn more about his child or be an active parent to some degree then he’ll contact you, otherwise just plan as if you’re on your own.

    #44051 Report

    BluebirdSue
    Participant

    Hi Leiharhi

    With any pregnancy there are always choices. There is no right or wrong, just whatever is right for you. You had thought about it and made the choice that was right for you. Soon you will have a wonderful baby to share your life with 😀

    Unfortunately there are people who have a closed mind. One thing you have to ask yourself is “Does this person’s opinion really matter?”

    No-one has the right to judge anybody, your feelings as most important.

    #44055 Report

    Leilarhi
    Participant

    Hi and thanks for your responses.

    I think some days I also wonder if I messed up and made the right choice, I really started to enjoy my life and freedom before all of this and I am terrified that my career and dreams will disappear with the challenges of being a single parent. I think that’s what gets me the when people judge me, all of my doubts come flooding in. Some days I’m excited and happy and others I am scared. I suppose that’s normal, but it would have been lovely to have someone else to share the experience with and talk about these worries and excitement with.

    Greenfinger, to answer your question, the father lives in Tenerife, he is from Venesuela originally. I think it is easy for me to visit the father but he is studying in University and so his life is not set up like mine to support a child or to visit. He has said he respects my decision now, even though to him it seems crazy and goes against his wishes. His English is terrible and my spanish isn’t great so there is also that language barrier.

     

    I do really want to embrace it, I think my mood is improving as my hormones are settling and recently I have had some wonderful responses from friends and a colleague which gave me a boost of confidence. I know that when the pregnancy is finished and I have a beautiful baby none of this will matter at all, I just feel that it’s a long battle leading up to that point.

    #44060 Report

    Keep It Real
    Participant

    Hey Leilarhi,

    I am new to this forum with my own personal single parent issues 🙂 But my advise to you is enjoy your pregnancy it goes sooo fast.  Everyone always has something to say (even me).  So – You do YOU, at the end of the day it takes two to tango, if Mr Tenerife didn’t want a child well you cant go wrong if you shield your dong.

    Don’t feel ashamed of your decisions and life choices, embrace them that’s what make us alive and human!

    And in the words of Taylor Swift -The haters gonna, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate baby shake them off, shake them off!

    #44308 Report

    AnaStasija
    Participant

    Don’t listen anyone. Is your choice. Enjoy your pregnancy and take care of yourself. And don’t take any negatives emotions from baby’s father.

    3 years ago I went to Tenerife like you and fall in love. I found out that I’m pregnant and he didn’t want this baby. I lost the baby. But i wasn’t clever enough to stop this relantionship. He even come to the UK and tried live here with me and my other 2 children. Then I got pregnant again. He didn’t want it but I couldn’t kill this baby. All my pregnancy I listened how bad I’m  that I’m broking his life, that I’m taking decision on my own. He left me when I was 12 week pregnant but then came back again. But I couldn’t enjoy the pregnancy because of him. He was nice and at the same time I felt that he didn’t care and each time when we argue, he reminded that is my decision and I have to deal with myself.

    And at the end… He left us one month ago, went back to Tenerife and I’m with 4 months old baby boy and another two sons – 17 and 14 years old. Is not my country, I almost have no one here and I’m thinking when I’ll be able get back to work and how?

    So if he is toxic for you, if you feel bad after speaking with him, just don’t do it. And don’t listen people, they are not you to judge about your decision. Just think about the baby and how happy you will be. Is better to be alone all pregnancy and enjoy it than listen all the time that he doesn’t  want this baby.

    I wish you and your baby the best!

    #58749 Report

    CPea1990
    Participant

    Hi everyone so I found out month ago I am pregnant I am now 9 weeks pregnant . I contacted my ex and told him he was very supportive about what ever decision I choose . I had a telephone appointment booked for 9th august to have an abortion and discuss it , during that time it was good week to decide things and my ex to decide his choice also . He told his family his mum was very supportive said it’s up to me what I decide etc . He then told me the idea of having. Child was very exciting etc and he grew to the idea which then change my mind I cancelled the appointment . He got more excited over that month , we discuss add co parenting if we would live together in future etc. I already have a 3.5 year old daughter her dad really isn’t great .
    Fast forward few weeks it’s all been amazing really get on and excited . Turns out he has been doing ketamine behind my back and lying about taking it etc , I found out this confronted him he cried and said sorry for messing up etc he wants to change doesn’t want to be doing stuff like that . Yesterday he comes to my house he knows I’ve been feeling now anxious about this pregnancy and having a child with someone who quite frankly I do not trust .
    He said to me he doesn’t think we can work out and it’s not to late to go have an abortion he will come with me .

    as you can imagine only word I can describe how I feel is flabbergasted, feel like he is emotionally immature , things that he was saying , saying I’m trying to control him because basically I want him to be clean and drug free he isn’t willing to grow up , so I’m controlling him.
    his family have no idea what’s going on with him really .
    He has gone from being super excited and sounds like he has gone off hanged out with his wrongin mates they’ve changed his mind because clearly he isn’t a herder he is a sheep.

    I’m now facing that im 9 weeks pregnant , have 3.5 year old start new job on Monday and now been left and told I should get an abortion . It’s a lot to take in and im just in complete shock and numb. what the hell do I do my best friends are in complete shock by his head fking behaviour and appalled .

    Im 31 year old mum already my daughter will be 4 in feb if I continue this journey alone the baby is due in April .

    lots of love to everyone , I’ve read others similar situations on here want to know what you’ve done .

    xx

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