Sick of my ex

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  • #38620 Report

    mel1982
    Participant

    Hello,

    Really need some advice or support from someone who’s been through similar. Apologies for the essay. I have tried various advice lines but they’re all so busy as reduced hours due to CV.

    I met my ex and quickly became pregnant. It wasn’t planned and I would not have stayed with him if it wasn’t for that. I wanted to make a go of it and try and have a family unit. We agreed together that we would try. The whole relationships was plagued with money issues and I feel like he has undiagnosed mental health issues. I go from being a great mum and person to the worst things that’s ever happened to him! I’m nurse and worked long shifts and over time whilst pregnant to support us. I tried so hard.

    He could never hold down a job. Always ill or they gave him holiday and he’d taken time off so we could enjoy it as a family! Even when he had one the money never came, it never his fault….wrong tax code, agency messed up, paid him less. He never financially contributed. I used my savings and overdraft and have lost so much. I set up the home to make it a nice environment and provided everything for our son as I would never let him go without. He verbally abusive and horrible to me, about my looks, sexually and I feel like he isolated me as I have no money see friends or family. He said I was immature and we should be a family together. The police were involved as he grabbed me in the street and the neighbours called them as he was screaming and shouting. I have fought back before and am ashamed of that but his lies and behaviour pulled something out of me I never knew was there. I, very chilled and laid back.

    The relationship ended and I’m living with a friend. She happens to be a lesbian which is irrelevant really but he’s saying its detrimental to our son and he does not consent to or feel it’s safe for our son to be here. Can he control where we live? He still in the flat we lived in together and universal credit are paying the rent but I’m still paying the bills as have no childcare. The Nursery is shut due to CV and i still need to work as I’m a nurse. I need him for childcare. I try and keep any communication to a minimum and just about our child but he randomly sends messages saying he will tell our son what I’ve done, I broke up the family, I’m a bad Mum, our son will hate me and want to live with him. I do video chats when he’s not with me and my son just wanted to go off and play and he said he prefers to be with him. I don’t have any other experience with children and he feels it will go in his favour as he has previous childcare experience with Nieces and nephews. I get messages saying I’m incompetent and have ruined his routine. He’s fine when he’s with me! I feel/know he says these things to hurt me. He sends messages to my family and tells mine that I’m crazy and drink, it’s all lies. His family believe him.

    surely a court would not give him custody if it came to it? there are police reports of bad behaviour, he doesn’t financially support and I have copies of horrible and abusive messages. I went round the flat once and there was vomit on the toilet and wine bottles in the kitchen.

    He’s wonderful as a caregiver to our son but financially does nil. If it was for the fact universal credit were paying the rent and I paid the bills he’d have nothing. I know I should cut him off but just can’t get moved and organise it all now the world is in lockdown.

    not sure where to turn. I just want him to stop messaging, I wish he wasn’t in my life but he has to be now due to our son.

    Thanks in advance for any replies 🙂 Staff inside and safe everyone.

    #38624 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    No he can’t control who you live with unless your flat mate poses a threat – drugs, violence, child abuse etc. Sexual orientation is not a threat.

    It’s most unlikely that the court will give him custody, especially with a history of harassment. There are a few things you can do at no cost.

    1. Keep all threatening and/or abusive messages

    2. make sure your CMs claim is up to date.

    3. Stay calm, polite & professional. Keep all your emails arranging childcare so you can prove you encourage plenty of access.

    And then ignore his nastiness. Stop reading his texts.  Don’t react, he’s a bully and seeing you upset is what he wants.

     

    #38629 Report

    mel1982
    Participant

    Hi Kathy,

    Thank you for responding. I’ve been keeping all messages and respond politely. What is a CM claim. An incident happened today so our child is with me. I don’t feel comfortable with him having him at the moment so unsure what even happens now.  Honestly all advice is helpful, thank you.

    #38639 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    CM claim is a child maintenance claim with the child maintenance service, so that when he eventually gets a job, he will be required to pay to support your child. Even on benefits he should be paying you something.

    You sound like a great mum, don’t worry about your son wanting to play rather than video-call. That’s completely normal. K x

    #38825 Report

    mel1982
    Participant

    Thanks so much. Really helpful to know thus. Take care 🙂

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