Should I update my kids dad
20 November 2019 at 11:48 am #33093
I am really struggling with my kids dad being so uninterested in their life. He claims to want to be part of their lives and when he sees them, they have a wonderful time and it’s clear that he loves them. We split up 10 months ago and he’s probably seen them 15 times, if that.
I just had parents evening at school for my daughter – should I be sending her dad a note to say how she’s doing and update him on what her teacher said? Or do I take his silence on the subject as not being interested (he’s on the school email list so knows that parents evening happened)? There’s a long list of things I could tell him about
I feel like the less involved he is in their lives, the worse he becomes at seeing them or calling them. It’s almost like it allows himself to distance himself from them / family life. He tends to only focus on what’s in his immediate day-to-day world and everything else is left out.
Having just put this in writing, I get the feeling I am trying to influence his behaviour to be more attentive to his kids. And that isn’t my job and is probably unlikely to happen.
It’s a tough job trying to figure out what to do in this new world of being a single mum!
does anyone else update their kids parent without being asked?20 November 2019 at 12:06 pm #33096
I keep my boys mum updated with everything, I think in the long run it’s better for the children to see that the parents are working as a team but on the other hand I am blessed with having an ex that is active in my son’s life.
It might be frustrating that your ex doesn’t seem that bothered but it won’t harm to send him an email/text giving him basic updates.
Mark20 November 2019 at 12:08 pm #33097
‘Having just put this in writing …’ hits the nail bang on the head. You are right it isn’t your job, it’s his job to keep himself upto date with his children, you have enough to do. If he wants to know he will find out himself. xx
No I do not up date my ex on what is happening in my son’s life. If he wants to know he can ask too.20 November 2019 at 1:44 pm #33104
No, you shouldn’t, it isn’t your job.
He’s on the email list. If he can’t be bothered to show up, that is his loss.
My ex hasn’t attended our ds’ school once in 7 years. He has no say in any decisions because he can’t be bothered to open the emails, therefore his views hold no weight.
You can’t change your ex but you can stop facilitating his laziness. Wait for him to ask.20 November 2019 at 2:23 pm #33109
I disagree. A non resident parent has the right to be informed about educational and health matters. Maybe not what others wish to hear, but this should be the norm. The NRP may not respond or be that interested but at least you hold the higher moral ground and will be able to say that you did!
You cannot make another parent want to parent. But we don’t have to fall to the lowest common denominator with regards our behaviour.20 November 2019 at 3:34 pm #33114
A NRP does have just the same rights as the RP but it is up to them to find out any info they want about their children. It isn’t the job of a RP to keep telling them what’s going on if they ain’t interested, it’s just a waste of breath and energy.20 November 2019 at 3:56 pm #33115
Solomummy is quite right in that the resident parent has a duty to inform the NRP. I’m looking at it from a different angle though, the OP has said that the dad clearly loved the kids, I don’t understand why he’s so lazy with taking an interest when he isn’t with them but wouldn’t it be lovely for the children to hear their dad say when he sees them ‘ Hey wow, your mum told me how well you’d done at (whatever)!’ It promotes a better relationship with the children and it also shows the children that mum and dad are communicating for the betterment of the children. I feel to purposely withhold things about the children is more to do with the RP wanting to get one over on the NRP which really only does the kids harm.
In the long run by keeping the NRP parent informed it may prompt them to be more involved which can only be a good thing from the children’s point of view .20 November 2019 at 4:45 pm #33120
Thank you for all your replies, really helpful.
I find it really hard to understand how people chose to have a family and then decide to ‘opt-out’. That’s my situation, my ex just found it all too much / chaotic / not what he wanted anymore….. results in emotional decision making.
I agree with you all – it’s partly why I posted! I want to say: you’re too lazy so sod you, make the effort to find out about your kids, I’m not going to do all the hard work for you, you lazy #%?&. But I also want my ex to say: your mum told me what a great job you did in you project. It would mean the world to my daughter (my son is 2.5 so too young to appreciate yet).
I’m going to try sending a text to inform my ex when things happen with the kids and see what happens. I’ll update you all in a few weeks and let you know how it goes.20 November 2019 at 6:24 pm #33123
Hope it is positive pumpkin!20 November 2019 at 6:47 pm #33124
I don’t consider it my job to update the nrp. He can ask the school to contact him, be added to their mailing list and attend if he wants to.
I have enough to do sorting out childcare and work around school and extra curricular activities, etc.
I think if it was the other way around, I wouldn’t expect him to do it for me.20 November 2019 at 7:08 pm #33125
I do update my ex although believe it or not we go to parents evening together (we split at the beginning of January) kids do like to see you are all on the same team. I message him about stuff that has happened at school as i have her 70% of the time. My ex is living the bachelor life as he couldn’t do the boring side of life and if i didn’t know him so well could misread his limited interest in his daughter when not with her but know that he just needs prompting is all.