Should I stay or go?

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  • #42431 Report

    Tinkerbell1978
    Participant

    Hello, I am brand new to this site, this experience and all it entails. I have been married for 11 years, together with my husband for 20 years. We have 3 children under 10. Recently I crashed and hit a wall; by that I mean I took too many painkillers and drank too much alcohol and struggled to get out of bed. I felt defeated by everything. With support from a great network of friends I have realised that my relationship is the problem. We are like housemates rather than husband and wife. We discuss the children but not much else. We seem to go through a cycle of pretending everything is ok, busying ourselves with daily life etc until one of us, usually me, gets frustrated and asks for more. He has been very low for years now, dissatisfied with everything, blaming work for his condition and his unhappiness. Apparently I cannot fulfil his needs anymore, especially sexually as he makes me feel like a prostitute, he tells me I am not interested in him. When we attempt to do something as a family he becomes domineering and suffocating. He hasn’t managed fatherhood very well in my opinion. He has repressed me without realising it and I have lost my sense of self. My friends advise me to separate as our relationship never seems to get better. We are generally in separate rooms in the evenings or he is absent in some way. The children are constantly asking where is Daddy, as he feels exhausted by them very quickly and takes time out as he feels he should be allowed time to rest from work. He is a father and husband on his terms. I don’t feel like I have given the full story but basically I suppose I am wondering if I should separate. My friends really believe I should as I am selling my children a distorted view of a happy marriage. I have some viewings for rentals planned but am feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Is it right to leave the family home we have built? Most of which I have paid for? I feel bitter but I don’t think he’d leave straight away. I also have no parents that I could tell; my father would be so disappointed in me and my mother just wouldn’t be a help. They are divorced. I really love him but am very unhappy. I am a part time teacher but have received no support in my journey back to work after children. He doesn’t help with drop offs or collections. It’s as if he thunks if I want to go back to work I have to sort it. I feel very confused about the whole think. Is there anyone out there that has had a similar experience or has any advice?

    #42450 Report

    DadCantThinkOfAName
    Participant

    Hi

    I feel for you, I really do.

    You might want to ask yourself a really simple question. When you’re as calm as possible and not fresh from an argument or in a negative state of mind:

    Would you want to be with this person at the end?

    May help

    All the best

    #42491 Report

    Butterfly
    Participant

    It doesn’t look like a healthy situation and as you say not a very good example for the children.

    Being alone is not easy either, but it opens the door for something better.

    pills and alcohol…bad combination, well… even on their own, but you already know that, so that’s a big sign of unhappiness.

    Sometimes we just grow apart.  The best would be to find a way to separate as peacefully as possible, but since he has domineering tendency

    it would be wise to have a plan mapped down (in which you are healthy heroine of course:).

    It also would be nice to have a friend who can welcome you with the kids for a while, and get a therapist for you to see, WITH the children in the same room.

    It’s a part of their learning to be able to put words on what is happening around them and it will help you and them as a family.

    All this being said, it’s my heart speaking…hope it can help a little.

    #42492 Report

    Jsmoove
    Participant

    Hi Tinkerbell,You need to do what’s best for you and the kids,it’s a very toxic situation to be in,and children see everything,The writing is on the wall,your both unhappy,people grow apart in marriages and try to make it work for the kids,the longer you stay together the worse it will get,If you still love him and want to make it work I would seek advice from a professional I’ve been in your shoes and it’s a horrible situation to be in,I chose to separate,it is hard,but I realised we were both happier being co parents

    #42495 Report

    Soniah19
    Participant

    I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation , I think you know deep down your relationship is not one? This is very similar to my own situation and it is not easy to untangle from the happy memories of being a family unit. Take your time to think about it, there is no rush for such a huge decision. Maybe he feels the same too? Make sure you think about yourself and how you will manage and the logistics , I wish you well!

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