Should he be there

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  • #21134 Report


    I’m 7 months pregnant and due date is fast approaching. I’m not with the father and although he said he’d stand by me I don’t see him for weeks at a time and get no emotional support (or financial) from him.

    Other than the 8 week scan he hasn’t been to a single appointment despite a couple of hospital referrals I’ve had to attend.

    He’s said all along he wanted to be at the birth. I wanted him there but first off I really don’t see what he’s done to deserve to be there and also this is a really personal thing for me where I’m very vulnerable. There’s also potential complications for me and baby so even more to think about.

    I’m so confused I don’t want to deny him this but as time goes on I just don’t think I’m comfortable with him being there. Has anyone been in this situation?

    #21141 Report



    Why does he want to be there?

    I wouldn’t want him there. He certainly doesn’t get to choose and he doesn’t deserve to be. And you absolutely cannot rely on him. At the very least he will be unhelpful and in the way. Are you happy to be naked in front of your ex?

    Hopefully you will have a short issue-free labour, but it is a time when you need to be able to trust those around you without question. They need to support and understand you completely. It isn’t a spectator sport.

    Who is your birth partner – your mum? Sister? Best friend? What do they think?

    If you are worried about him turning up if you don’t invite him, just tell the midwife. Hospital security won’t let him through the door.


    #21142 Report


    Hi Kathy,

    Yes that’s what I’m thinking, it was supposed to be a home birth in which case it might have been easier to have him around because he could be in another room but I’ve been advised to go in due to complications.

    My mum will be with me but she’s not so good at things like that and not sure she really wants to be there. She just says it’s up to me.

    Honestly I just think he’d let me down last minute plus he works away in the week so there’s s good chance he couldn’t get there anyway

    #21143 Report


    Please don’t rely on him as your birth partner.  The chances of him not showing up seem high, if you haven’t been his priority for the last 5 months. You deserve much better than that.

    Would your best friend or a sister or cousin act as support for you and your mum?   You can have more than one person at least at the start, and you can support each other.  I’m sure your mum will be fine once the baby is on its way. How will you get to hospital? Does your mum drive? Are you living with her at the moment?


    #21145 Report


    Oh I definitely wouldn’t rely on him, my mum will be my main birthing partner whatever and I’ve told him that.

    Thinking of asking my god mother (mum’s best friend) shes really good and practical and I don’t think my mum would feel pushed out then.

    No I have my own house,I live with my son but my parents are only round the corner

    #21151 Report


    1. I see what you’re saying but when we have consultant appointments about our baby that I’ve kept him informed about I don’t think it hurts for him to ask how she’s doing

    2. I’m not asking him to, or need him to for that matter it would be nice if he wanted to get some things for his daughter

    3. I’m hoping we can arrange that outside of cms

    4. Yeah this is the main point of my post. I have neonatal on standby for baby too

    5. Think you’re being a bit harsh on my expectations here. I gave him the option to walk away, he wanted to be involved and support me as much as he could (his words) I’ve tried to give him every opportunity to allow that. As it happens we weren’t seeing each other very long, when it comes to me I don’t care what he does this is about his daughter. He doesn’t have somewhere to have her and lives an hour away from me so I don’t have much choice but to allow him to visit at my house

    6. He would only be able to visit once a week anyway and wouldn’t be able to have her overnight so this isn’t an issue

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