She expected me to just leave !!
17 October 2019 at 8:19 pm #31741
I will try to condense this as much as possible.
About 10 months ago, me and the ex seemed to be getting a bit distant from each other, there are reasons for this and it is mainly her bad lifestyle choice, alcohol, energy drinks, poor diet stuff like that. I often expressed my concerns over these things and she would get defensive immediately and turn it into an argument that I was ‘getting at her’ or trying to ‘control’ her. This just isn’t in my nature, I am generally a easy going chilled out person.
One evening when she decided to her normal drinking so that she could have a reason to argue about something before passing out, which she did, I was trying to sleep when I noticed her phone twinkling a LOT at about midnight, ….. now I don’t know why I checked it because I had never checked it before because I fully trusted her regardless of her drinking problems. When I checked I saw messages from a young man from the kebab shop across the road from us, he was asking where she was as he was waiting for her !! …….. I read back a few messages to see her saying that she ‘doesn’t usually just kiss people like that’. My heart sunk and I didn’t know what to do.
In the morning when she woke up I confronted her, we argued and she said that it was over.
OK, so how do I carry on now, I decided to try and make arrangements to stay on a friends sofa for a while. As I was about to pop out to make these arrangements I was greeted by the guy she had kissed about to knock on my door !! he had come round to see her. He seemed shocked to see me there.
He soon left when he realised that she was not the single person she told him she was. Again we argued and didn’t talk for a couple of days.
She then showed remorse for what she had done and we decided to try and re-ignite the spark we once had. Things were pretty good for a while.
Then about 2 months ago, we had a friend stay over for the night, he was going to crash on our sofa, a friend of us both, he had been staying at her sisters house as he was currently homeless. While he was here he kept going out into my kitchen and I noticed he was doing drugs out there, she also was doing them with him. I explained that I didn’t want that happening but she just carried on.
Later that evening, she took me upstairs to go to bed to sleep. she got a little ‘marital’ and we did the deed. when we had finished she went downstairs to the loo to ‘clean up’ as she always does, but she took a little longer than usual, but I thought nothing of it. When she came back up, she got fruity again and we did the deed again, and yet again afterwards she went to clean up.
She returned to our bedroom, cuddled right up to me and whilst hugging me explained that she ‘just wanted to be with ‘friend on sofa’ !!!!!! she wanted me to pack a bag and go.
Obviously this caused an argument as I kicked the guy out, and then argued with her. She was angry at me that I wouldn’t just get up and go and leave our two children on HER decision !!
In the end we both went to separate beds so that she could sleep as she was very drunk. In the morning again she was adamant she wanted me to just leave, I flat out refused, so she packed a bag and stormed out screaming profanities at me before throwing her door key AT me and left me and the kids standing there crying 🙁
This has completely broken me more than I am able to deal with.
After a few weeks I am starting to feel a bit better, but this has still broken me, ….. how can I ever trust again? …. cheating on me is one thing, but the way she did it in my own home I am not sure I can ever get over that.
I am however now left with my two wonderful kids that I absolutely love and would do anything for, I am glad that they do not need to be around alcoholism anymore as I am t-total, …. always have been. BUT I am struggling to get any kind of help or assistance with any of this.
Upon reflection, and taking stock of our entire relationship I have noticed how blind I have been for 13 years, I had not realised what a controlling relationship I had been in, she had the only bank account that I wasn’t allowed access to, she had control of all of the finances, she had control over everything including me, I could give examples but I would be here all night.
I am now struggling to re-build after all of this but I don’t know which way to turn anymore. Talking to people helps but I just feel completely broken. I was even in a very dark place about a week after it happened and sat there with a bag of pills before looking up and seeing the picture of my two kids on the wall (the kids were at school) ….. I suddenly felt so scared I felt sick, …. I took the bag of pills round to a friends house and left them there. I wouldn’t hurt my kids like that, I am 100% certain of that now. I HAVE spoken to a doctor about this but all they want to do is put me on drugs which I do not want at all.
She left the house and left me in a lot of financial difficulty and debt that I didn’t know about and I just feel like everything is getting on top of me. I have managed to sort some things out to try and get back to ‘normal’ but I am worried about the kids. My son is clinging to me like a barnacle but my daughter seems to think its all fun, but I don’t know how it is affecting them. They do get to visit there mummy everyday if they wish but my son doesn’t want to, and when my daughter does she comes home and tells me that mummy has been drinking again …. my daughter is just turned 7 years old, my son is 10.
How can a mother be so distant from her own children baffles me even as a father that couldn’t bare to be without my kids. I am feeling lost and looking for direction, but the direction I am receiving is ‘man up’ !!!
Have I done the wrong thing by fighting to keep my children and my home?19 October 2019 at 9:16 pm #31799
i’m sorry that you and your kids are going through this, it sounds horrendous.
I’m not sure what advice I can give but I do have a little experience of alcoholics/ drug users and basically they struggle to care about anything but drugs/ alcohol Everyone around them suffers and struggles to know how to help or deal with the consequences of their behaviour. It may help to think of her as an addict – it doesn’t excuse her behaviour but may explain it a little.
To answer your final question; you are doing absolutely the right thing trying to keep your home and care for your children.
I think you need to concentrate on yourself and your children and try to put her continuing behaviour to the back of your mind as far as possible. You can’t alter it or rationalise it in any way. Let her go off in her own little whirlwind- you can’t stop her – so just protect yourself and children from the fall out. In practical terms, get advice, maybe from gingerbread, about the kids access to their mum.( Is she drinking or using drugs around them?) Do they have a family support worker or access to counselling at their school?
If it helps, my daughter (now 9) clung to me for a very long time after her dad walked out. She was having to be met at the school gate and more or less peeled off me by her teacher. It’s taken time but she has now settled and gained confidence and even went on a school trip away recently- I was so proud of her. So with alot of love and patience, your kids will be ok