She destroyed me but I can’t get over her
23 September 2020 at 10:43 pm #44213
I hope you are ok. I think most of us replying to you have been through a similar situation so you are in good company. After reading your story im wondering if she has bipolar (i know you mention her mental health condition but its not mentioned if she is bipolar) im just grabbing a straws. Her behaviour puts her in a poor condition with the courts as I she will need an interview with Cafcass and im sure that her leaving sex toys that your chjld can see may raise a few eyebrows.25 September 2020 at 7:04 pm #44285
I’m having a bad evening! Yesterday I was told by a neighbour that he had seen my wife leave my flat during the afternoon with a bloke of roughly the same age as her, and when I got home from work it looked like my bed had been ruffled aswell as the shower had been used. So this made me feel really low last night and I’ve also been told that she has been seen on various “friend with benefits” sites, which is totally unlike her. But tonight I just want to break down and cry at th fact that I’ve now been 2 weeks of literally no contact with my girls, not even a phone call. I believe that one of her new blokes has been seeing my children, and so he is seeing them more than me. This is starting to really hurt me more and more every passing day. I’m desperate to just have big cuddles with my beautiful girls, but don’t know when I will be able too26 September 2020 at 9:38 am #44287
That sounds dreadful. Maybe it’s time to install a ring doorbell and or perhaps change the locks. Why would she want to bring somebody back to your flat ? That’s just unbelievably cruel, as is withholding the children. Can you speak to a member of her family about this? I find the evenings hard, too much dead time, do you have anyone you can call ? My sympathies are with you.26 September 2020 at 11:57 am #44288
Unfortunately I can’t change the locks as she is still a tenant of the flat, even though she has moved out. Until she gets off the tenancy (which is down to her, I can’t force anything) then I’m not allowed to change the locks. I can’t see her getting off the tenancy for a while either as she will want to keep messing me about and keep me paranoid. Everytime I hear a noise outside, I think it’s her and her new bloke and panic that they are coming to the flat. I think the fact that she is having sexual encounters with different people, during a global pandemic when our youngest daughter is extremely vulnerable (she has health issues where even a common cold can be increadibly dangerous to her) is really irresponsible to be honest. I really don’t know what she think she’s doing but it’s certainly not within the girls best interests26 September 2020 at 11:59 am #44289
And on the subject of her family, they are totally on her side and see no problem with anything she’s doing. To be honest, I think they are actually a massive part of the problem and have turned my ex into the person she is today26 September 2020 at 3:52 pm #44290
Sorry – I can’t offer any answers. But if it’s any comfort then I regularly check back in here and read your updates. I’m struggling on here. I think the lows are getting less frequent but I was thinking this morning, there’s virtually nothing good to look forward to. Other than I do have my children around me so that remains my focus. So on that, I suppose you just have to keep in mind that you’ve taken the legal steps to help fix that bit.
Sorry mate. One day at a time and keep going. And keep us updated.28 September 2020 at 10:46 pm #44349
Brokenman hope you’re doing well!
What kind of social life and activities are you into doing? Have you thought of joining any dating sites just to occupy your mind away from focusing on your ex all the time?
I feel for you and can feel your pain but I’d start focusing on the things that you can control and maybe once your ex sees that hopefully you can start to move on and try and rebuild with you and your kids? Can always drop a message if you want30 September 2020 at 11:51 pm #44461
Gentleman, I have been through this for 24 years on and off with my ex wife. On minute all over me the next running off. It drives you mad drives you insane as all you think is what have I done what could I have done differently.
The answer is nothing now, the past is dead you can’t change it or another person.
Take the time to grieve, dont punish your self, she is an adult and responsible for her own choices.
It sounds weird but forgive her dont carry the burden of her choices they will then return to her three fold karma can be a right git.
Also forgive your self, look at what you think you did wrong and just assure your self that in the next relationship you will change those.
And most of all dont rush into a new relationship as a revenge thing or needing someone. I will just end up messy.
Dont need any woman be self secured and efficient and then know that the next person you meet you will want and can love freely with out giving away your own power and self love and respect.
This goes for all the women that might read this as well.2 October 2020 at 11:37 am #44518
Only now reading through these posts and it hits home so much.
I have been through exactly this in the last 16 months and there is no easy answer. Together for many years with 3 children, the love of my life, pretty, quiet and although one or two weird traits a nice respectable girl. Then I find she has met someone on social media. I leave and it all goes downhill from there. Since I walked out of that house (jointly owned) I have become aware that the social media guy wasn’t the first and she has clearly had relations with at least one other before this. This first fling didn’t work out and he was a monster, within months she ‘still loves me’, that lasted a week and I was ignored again. I then have reports of men seen leaving the house over the next month or so before she meets some other guy (still with).
It destroyed me and I considered if I could carry on, through the tears and immense pain I did and continue to do so – I don’t recognise this person anymore. I have had to sell our house, my children were split (my eldest deciding to live with me at the outset) and I effectively had the 2 youngest 50/50.
Through all this she appeared to not give a dam whatsoever, I felt suicidal and it didn’t seem to matter, social media was within weeks and continues to be full of her great new life. The first guy was sleeping in my house within weeks of me leaving – this was a girl I thought I would be with for the rest of my life and it is the hardest thing ever to suddenly realise you/I mean nothing to them – I am still not over this fact and even now break down in tears at a song or a memory, I just cannot believe where I find myself.
16 months on it is an awful situation, I now find myself contesting child access in court whilst being labelled as many things by her. She tried the domestic abuse route – no evidence as there wouldn’t be, now its the alienation route. I have lost my house, seeing my kids every day as I thought I would forever, any sense of a future etc. etc.
I loved her with my entire being and still do not think I will meet anyone I care about that much again, will I ever meet anyone full stop – these thoughts are disabling sometimes, I have felt like nothing because of her actions and I am not sure I will ever recover – what is, where is my life now? Its a question we all have. I have no option but to continue for my kids and you should do the same but it is terribly hard, the thoughts of her with other men in a sexual way have receded but at the time it cut like a knife as the same as in your situation, my lovely girl was not like that but totally seemed to go off the rails for a period and every relationship she has had has (according to her) been better than ours, the men have been better than me, they are more attractive than me etc. Her family’s reaction equally hard to take, aside from one or two moments they basically fell in line with her (as I suppose they would) and I was left without anything that I had previously known.
I now find myself in my 40s wondering how the hell I ever have a life that is meaningful.
One thing I will say is that some of the other posters are correct in that you need to forget about what she is doing or who with. If its the same as my situation you need to reach the conclusion that you mean nothing to her anymore, she wouldn’t behave like this if you did – that is a bitter pill to swallow and I am not quite there yet but it is the only survival route or you will fold as I nearly did.
Wishing you all the best.4 October 2020 at 5:08 pm #44546
What Ever your Exes are doing just let them do it,it will ruin you inside otherwise mentally,they are always gona put u down when you are at your lowest,but it’s how you bounce back in the end,there is no winners,she may be happy now,or she may not be,a lot of the time they crave the attention,my ex has a new bloke and all I get is abuse from her day in and day out but I just ignore it,the past is the past,people change and the grass isn’t always greener,trust me if you do meet someone eventually that’s when the trouble starts,as my ex is trying to find out who I’m seeing through my kids and is making my life difficult even tho she is happy apparently,build yourself up,work on you,it can take along time but u will get there,the best thing that happened to me was making friends with single mums on dating sites due to the distance,but it’s the best thing I have done the advice,the encouragement,the worth,is priceless and the friendship I have formed with them wouldn’t replace it for the world,there are a lot of good women out there6 October 2020 at 6:25 pm #44650
Things are slightly different now, but no more easy! Basically in regards to the children, I have a court date and so things are starting to happen in regards to them, even though it’s not until late January. Feelings for my ex have pretty much completely gone and I couldn’t care less about her being with anyone else etc. I’ve found out she has got a new place to live, but the girls aren’t living with her all the time currently until she has sorted her new place out.
The trouble is, a couple of weeks ago, I decided I wanted to start talking and dating new people, just to get myself out there and find a bit if happiness. I met a girl online two weeks ago and we got on really well. She is a paramedic and an ambulance driver, and I found her so interesting. Last weekend we decided to go on our first date, which was amazing (we went for a few drinks, then to mine for a takeaway and watched films and played games and cuddled on the sofa for hours etc), but we got on so well. She understands me and seemed to be the female version of me! She also have a child who she co parents with her ex. We spoke every day last week and we’re constantly texting. We then went out again on Sunday just gone. We planned a day out (we went for a fun day at the sea life center and had a go on a fairground etc, just a messing around kind of day). We got back to mine and had a takeaway, and curled up watching films and played games again. After a little while, we were all over eachother, constantly kissing, touching etc and things moved into, more… Physical… Actions shall we say? We’d area GED for her to stay over that night. But when we were sleeping, after an hour or so, she woke me saying she felt a bit sick and wanted to go home. She kissed me lots again and said that she will definitely see me again. We both agreed that our two dates were the best we’ve ever had. But since then, she’s been a bit distant and has text me saying that I’m a bit “too much” at times for her. She’s said that she would like to see me again but because if her work and childcare issues, it wouldn’t be for a few weeks, which I don’t think would work as that’s too much of a gap after just a couple of dates. The thing is, I really like her. Everything seems just so right with her and we are so alike it’s unreal. I’m just now really down as I was so exited about seeing her and now suddenly it seems to have gone. Literally on Sunday, it was the best day I’ve had in years and the most I’ve laughed and smiled for three years (excluding time with my children), so to go from that to utter deflation within hours pretty much had hit me again. I know this will sound pathetic after just a couple of dates and two weeks of phone calls and texts etc, but I felt more comfortable with her on our second date than I did with my ex after two months. I hate how I fell so easily for her. My life just seems to be constant heartbreak, disappointment and hurt7 October 2020 at 12:12 pm #44656
Mate,the dating scene is a whole different ballgame,don’t rush it,be patient,it is nice to get attention every once and a while because it’s a confidence boost,but the red flags are there mate,moving too fast too soon,build the friendship side up first then move to the affectionate side once you get to know them,it’s not a race to quickly move on,but you don’t want to suffocate someone who could be perfect for you,try dating a few woman first because they are all different and just see where it goes7 October 2020 at 4:09 pm #44661
It’s just the little things that annoy me the most sometimes, like this girl for example, last night text me at about 10:30 saying she had just got home from work and needed a shower was then going to bed. She said that she’d message me today. Normally when we’ve been texting, we’ve been texting all morning, afternoon and night, even when we are both at work, but she hasn’t messaged once today, even though she said she would. I know I sound pathetic, but I’d just really love another chance with this girl!!9 October 2020 at 7:03 pm #44706
So this girl that I had been seeing sent me a message on Wednesday night saying that she doesn’t wish to pursue things with me anymore. She said that I’m a lovely, funny and kind guy but was just too intense and full on too soon etc. I’ve been really down since then as I really liked her, I’ve never felt so comfortable around someone so soon, she was basically the female version of me it seems. I keep thinking about her and wanting another chance, so I text her earlier with this message (she read it an hour ago but no reply though, so not a good sign!)
“Hey ****. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the way I was acting the other day. I have gone through our messages etc and I really was coming over as way too much and I can see it now. I keep kicking myself as I really was enjoying speaking to you and the dates were pretty amazing in my opinion! I know you told me when we were out last Sunday that you never give second chances normally etc, but I have nothing to lose here so I’m going to ask! I’d just really like to chat again, I would promise to be more chilled and calm and just take things as they come. We were getting on really nicely and I’d just like a chance of talking with you again and taking it a lot more chilled and whatnot?! I hope you’ve had a lovely week. You can tell me to * off if you want, but thought I’d try!! Xx”
I don’t know why, but she has really left her mark on me and I really do like her so much, but I’ve blown it and hate myself!!