She destroyed me but I can’t get over her
15 September 2020 at 5:10 pm #43954
Hi there Brokenman
I have sent you through a private message so please keep an eye out for it.
Kind regards, Justine15 September 2020 at 5:29 pm #43963
You are distracting yourself from the hard work of taking responsibility for the brake up with obsessive behaviour and asking yourself the same question over and over again. You need to focus on yourself and the future of your children. That is what is important and not toys and how she spends her nights. Your children need you and they need at least one grown up in this dilemma. Be there for them and don’t let them down.15 September 2020 at 6:36 pm #43965
Lonelydad2boys- to be honest, everything that I’ve ever suggested since this began has been shut down, to the point where I’ve even been kicked out of the house a couple of weeks ago purely because I asked if I could spend a bit of time with the girls alone in the living room instead of having my ex and her mum in the room aswell! So I don’t think there would be any chance of her agreeing to what you suggested, unfortunately.
I do want to delete her from Facebook etc (she’s blocked me on WhatsApp, so I can’t have video calls with the girls anymore), but I can’t bring myself to blocking or deleting her. She has been putting the odd picture of the girls on there and so stones that’s the only thing I get to see if them when she doesn’t let me see them or phone them. But at the same time, I keep on torturing myself by looking at her page, seeing who’s liking her pictures and commenting etc. She has actually blocked me from seeing some of her photos and albums on Facebook, so I’m not sure if there’s something she’s trying to hide. For all I know, she could have moved house already and living with the children somewhere new and I wouldn’t even know. She could be taking her new guy home to the girls who could be seeing him more than me, what if he becomes their father figure and my children start to forget about me?! Especially if he’s so much better than me! All these thoughts just continually keep going through my mind!15 September 2020 at 7:40 pm #43966
That really does sound difficult. I feel for you.
Many of those emotions I share. I have similar thoughts about what the new guy provides that I didn’t or will she introduce him to my children. The way I see it is these people are still trying to control us. Therefore if you continually engage with that then you are allowing yourself to be controlled.
In my case, the 6 month affair was the start of her controlling behaviour. Secrets and lies told over and over again to me and the family. But by moving in with her new partner and dropping back into our home for ‘family time‘ just continues her control. I needed to readdress the balance of power so instructed a solicitor to send her a divorce petition. That’s now been sent and received. I’m starting to take some control back, even though it hurts badly to do it to the person I love(d).
You’ve gained control by going to a solicitor too. That’s a very positive step.
However, in the meantime you need to take control of all the little things that you can stop. Get off Facebook for a start – that’s a priority. And if she mentions it, just say something very plain without giving her any juicy info to feed off. I’ve done quite a bit of reading around narcissistic behaviours and whilst I’m not suggesting either your wife or mine are definite clinical narcissists, I do believe there are some traits of behaviour that I’m seeing in my wife. One of the features is narcissistic ‘supply’. These people need us to feed off and it sounds like you’re in danger of providing that supply. I’m certainly no expert and there may be others on here who put me right, but my understanding is that the only way to deal with this behaviour is to completely cut off the supply. This requires a lot of discipline from us. You need to be aware of your reactions to her, the ones she wants and feeds off. Play it very calm and cool. Give her no reaction to feed off.
But most of all, take control of your negative thoughts, write them down, understand them, place them somewhere and move on. Start thinking about what YOU want and look after No.1.
I read a good comment somewhere that says unless you look after No.1 then you won’t be strong enough to look after your children in the time you do get with them. Do it for them!20 September 2020 at 1:12 pm #44098
So things have got a bit more confusing for me over the last few days or so. I’ve text her twice this week asking where her and my children are living as I have suspicions that they have moved out. She has totally ignored these messages though and yet has messages me about other things (such as asking if I received an email from the school and she also sent me a photo of our eldest child’s school work). So it’s like she is trying to hide something from me as she still won’t let me know if they’ve moved. On friday she put on Facebook about how excited and happy she is, which again seemed a bit strange (she also put a load of heart emojis and an emoji of a mother and children, so I’m assuming that something has happened. I messaged her last night to ask if I can talk to the girls on the phone atleast and she replied with “I can’t help you with that, I’m out”. So it’s now been three weekends on the spin that she has been out without the girls, and still isn’t letting me see them. I’m getting concerned at how little time she’s actually spending with them, as our oldest goes to school every day, so the weekends are the only time she actually gets to spend quality time with them, and yet she seems to be going out instead!20 September 2020 at 4:02 pm #44101
Broken woman here. I had our son 11 months ago and we’ve argued pretty much ever since. We became very distant as well and i recently found out he’s on a sex website with pics of his private parts all over it. He’s chatting to women on there. I never thought he’d do anything like that im in absolute shock. Says he longer loves me im fat, ugly and boring etc. I have a disability too so its going to be hard raising my son on my own. Sending you big hugs20 September 2020 at 5:02 pm #44103
The hardest part of a broken relationship is when the ex meets a new person,there is so many emotions running through your head,yes they change,is the new guy gona take my role as a parent,wat u need to think is they are in the honeymoon period so the relationship is perfect for now,but once reality hits it ain’t fun anymore,u need to concentrate on yourself first it’s a rebuilding process,exes never change remember that,in time wen u heal u won’t care wat she is doing these days everyone gives up on marriages it’s sad but the biggest victims are the kids they are affected 1000 times more,ive focused more on my kids,while the ex is more interested in her new man,just remember the new partner will never replace you as a father20 September 2020 at 6:25 pm #44109
she has just come to my flat. I had locked the door and kept my key in the door, but she still managed to use her key and get in somehow. She came in, took some stuff from the kitchen (she was dressed in a short dress, makeup and hair looking great, perfume, the works. She took these bits and left again (not with the girls yet again…). I then notice that I thought it was her dad she came with, but it wasn’t, it was her new bloke! So I was about shocked that she brought him here so I will admit that when they left, I shouted out if the window that the courts will know about how she is spending more time with her new bloke/s I stead of the children and I’ve text her saying the same aswell. He did shout something back at me, but I couldn’t tell what he said. How heartless and cruel do you have to be though, to bring a new bloke round to where your ex is living? So I’m now wondering if she’s moved in with him. I have got to find out where my children are living, but I don’t know what to do.
20 September 2020 at 6:32 pm #44111
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by GingerbreadJustine. Reason: removed formatting codes
Not sure what happened there, I’ll try it again!
basically, this afternoon she managed to get I to my flat while I was there (even though I had the door locked with a key in the door! She came in (dressed in a way that I’ve only ever seen her when we were on dates etc) and she literally just took two tubs of food seasoning. The thing is, her new bloke was with her! When they left, I admit I shouted from the kitchen window at them, saying how it’s now been three weeks of her not being with the children and j stead focussing purely on herself and her new man. He shouted something back but I couldn’t hear him properly. I told them how the courts will be told of her no. Exists CE in the girls lives recently etc. But this has hurt me so much. Seeing her hurts, but to then see her with a new bloke on my own doorstep has really upset me. I’ve since text her to say that she should be letting me see the girls more especially if she doesn’t seem to want to be with them and would rather be with new men. She text back saying that “he’s just a friend” but it seems a bit strange to me. I also asked again where the girls are living and she just said “you’re like a dog with a bone”. Why can’t I ask her where they’re living? This is now really starting to affect me badly.
20 September 2020 at 9:10 pm #44116
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by GingerbreadJustine. Reason: removed formatting codes
Mate she did it on purpose to get a reaction out of you,You need to let go of her,my ex done the same to me,but I just laughed in both there faces as I know the real her and a zebra never loses their stripes,it will get better mate she is your past,focus on you and fight for your kids,don’t worry about wat she is doing because it will ruin you,and don’t rush on to dating sites until u are ready because that’s a whole new world20 September 2020 at 9:29 pm #44121
I’m sorry this is all happening to you and hope I csn pass on some help that is beneficial…
You partner can not stop you seeing the children as you both have parental responsibility but unfortunately many people seem to think they are the primary parent as the children live with them and this gives them the right to refuse the absent parent access. In the eyes of the family Court this is not so. You need to tske steps to ensure you see your children as soon as you can. Firstly you need to get mediation sorted so you can put forward what you want in terms of access to them. Your ex will be invited to attend and between you, her and the mediator you should be able to sort something out.
If you ex is unwilling to compromise or attend mediation sessions then you can take it to court where you submit a C100 form for access and there a judge will decide what’s in the best interests of your children. You don’t need to get a solicotor as you can self represent and if you look about in the right places you can enlist the help of a mckenzie friend
I think many of the people on here will tell you that they have tried to keep things on good terms but sadly this is hard to achieve.
I hope you get things sorted and you’ll find good support on here for times you need that extra person to lean on x21 September 2020 at 10:21 am #44140
like you I’m at the very beginning of this mess, I found out about the affair mid July we’ve tried to make a go of it but about 10 days back she moved out, only to return. Now I’m watching her struggle with being with me and the kids, I fear it’s a matter of days before she goes again. I’m working but can’t focus and I dread the evenings laying awake constantly turning things over. I’ve tried tracing this back to the time it all started, looked into finding out everything I can but I know this is just a distraction, I like yourself know that I am where I am. Your not alone my friend, as LonelyDad2Boys has said it’s a phase but like you I’m bitter because whatever the reason or wherever they end up it’s us that’s paid the price with our relationships. After my wife walked out, after that first night of wondering I told myself I didn’t want to repeat the same day twice, unfortunately I’ve fallen already believing the speech she prepared for me but I’m determined to get up again and try . My Dad has told me something worth considering, the life that your missing wasn’t what you thought it was, do you really want it back the way it was knowing what you know now? For all I know my relationship could have been dead for years. By the way according to my wife I’m to blame for distancing myself from her, the same distancing that I’m now watching her do, and it’s a familiar sight
<span style=”caret-color: #1a1919; color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;”> </span>21 September 2020 at 9:09 pm #44161
Just read your post…. suddenly feel not alone. My husband left me with 3 children (the youngest are 1 year old twins) its so painful. I hope you get everything resolved really soon. Life can be so cruel sometimes. Take care23 September 2020 at 4:17 pm #44201
So I have found out today, that the court case will take place over a 45 minute telephone call on the 25th January. I and my wife will both put our points and arguments across and the judge will then send us away and request other information from us both, depending on what is said during the call. We will then have to answer these and have a second hearing, possibly up to 4 months later to get the final verdict and outcome. It’s going to be a very long and lonely winter I feel!23 September 2020 at 9:35 pm #44207
Yes but a step in the right direction. No other way around it so hang on in there!