Sharing parental responsibilities with an abuser
- This topic has 3 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
31 August 2019 at 9:40 pm #29868
Hope everyone is having a lovely evening.
My story: I have a son – 1,5 yrs old. I have separated with his father 4 months ago. We have been together for 4 years, and in those years I have experienced an entire rollercoaster. The father is narcissistic, at the beginning of the relationship had a great love bombing and later on – all the disrespect, cheating, name calling, physical and psychological abuse, lying and etc have started. He was very skilled in covering all his lies pretending he is stupid and doesn’t know what the talk goes about or that i am crazy, jealous, insecure etc. Has massive daddy issues, fights with his a father a lot, but madly seeking his approval in everything. When I got pregnant he became controlling x10 more. When our dearest bubba arrived in this world, the relationship became even more complicated. However, he is a good father for our son and looks after him very well. When the things got unbelievably difficult i’ve told him I am going to leave with my son and we can arrange parental responsibilities accordingly. He always threaten me ‘find a suitable accommodation’ , when I finally told him im going to do this, he was just laughing and saying its all just words. Found a 2 bed flat to rent and have left him. My family lives in different country and I only have a few good friends around. Since I have left him, there is nothing but harassment, threats and psychological abuse. Holding my son’s passport, medical book and not giving me back. We have agreed that he is going to have our son for two days (tho he didn’t agree to sign this on paper), since he is working. Every week – different days and the last minute notice (literally trying anything to make my life difficult). I was very flexible and patient. However, a week ago his business has closed (he sold it). When i met to pick my son up this week, we barely ever speak but i said my sorrow about his work and asked if he’s fine – he was extremely rude (the matter of fact, his parents are really wealthy people, they rent him a house and he never struggled money wise, even though after a breakup he always says how pour he is). As a shock – he stated that he will stop transferring any child maintenance (informal) as he is unemployed. Announced that from now on wants to have our son over whenever and for as many days as he wants ( even though I think that every kid supposed to have one home for its own wellbeing). I am desperate in this situation and do not know what to do. So tired of being threatened and bullied. Not sure about going to court, his parents can surely afford the best lawyers and I cannot afford any atm.
Please any advice or anyone that just would like to share similar situations -anything would help! xx31 August 2019 at 10:38 pm #29874
Your definitely in an awful situation.
These organisations should be able to help:
National domestic violence helpline 0808 2000 247
Rights of women 020 7251 6577 We are a women’s charity working in a number of ways to help women through the law. Our vital services aim to provide women with the legal advice and information they need to understand and use the law and their legal rights.
Also give the gingerbread team a ring on their helpline for further signposting and advice.
All the best
Mark31 August 2019 at 10:40 pm #29875
Btw the domestic violence helpline doesn’t just deal with physical violence.2 September 2019 at 8:54 pm #29909
As everyone on here, I too need help. I’ve never used these sites before. Kind of struggling to find a particular forum that relates to mine, however I know I’m not alone. Here goes;
Spent 9 years with my daughters father. First five years we decided on having a family. After two years struggling to fall pregnant our daughter finally arrived. Life went on, we fell out of love, lost respect, and I know that from my end I was fed up of being the responsible one. He’d not bother to come home from work and rock up the next day, broke, unable to pay bills. He’d sneak into my purse and use my credit card to pay his side of the bills – I’d only find this out some months later. I then find out he’d been regularly cheating on me. Things were tough, and my career and high earning full time job had taken a big hit. So much so I lost my job because of the times I had to be at home with my daughter and being the only parent to take on these responsibilities. I had two more other jobs after this that suffered the same way. After all, I was unreliable. I’d lost my career, my cv was now a pile of shit.
He’d often be violent, both physically and verbally. I endured this for several years. By the time my daughter was 3 I’d done enough research and found enough courage to leave him.
I dont have any family support, at all, so I began my journey with my daughter. Roughed it, bounced from one revolting shelter to another. Am I bitter? yes, I guess you can say I am. I had to look at my daughter and feel hopeless, every day!
After a long struggle I found a home I could privately rent. My daughter was due to start school that year so this was a great option being close to a good school. It was a long awaited light at the end of the tunnel.
The father was never denied access to seeing my daughter. How revolting to deny my daughter memories with the father when there is no reasonable cause to do so. I’d heard many stories of mothers that do this and I was certain I would never be one of those people and use the child as a weapon.
He is self employed, earns pretty good money when he can be bothered to actually work. Using the government site I calculated what he should pay for maintenance, and he would have my daughter if I had something on. My requests for him to have her are rare, so he basically comes and goes when he feels like it. Zero responsibilities. At times he’ll offer to have my daughter but it’s of no use to me when he’s collecting her at bed time and dropping her off at the crack of dawn – all because that suits him. You see by offering he thinks he’s a great dad who is contributing.
Because of his partying life style and scattered working pattern as a result of it, he would not pay maintenance. When I ask, I’d get a load of abuse, some very intense and extremely upsetting. Not long ago he smashed one of the six window panes of my front door – he saw me standing behind it and smashed the glass into my face deliberately. My daughter witnessed it all.
Without the agreed weekly payments our bills suffer. After all I had to take on a part time role, working for a small salary so that I can collect my daughter from school because I cannot afford childcare both prior and after school – her father will not collect her.
Every week he’ll not mention the agreed weekly payment, when it’ll be or why it’s later than agreed, forcing me to then ask. Once again another explosion hits off, the abuse is fired etc etc. CSA /CMA can’t do a thing – you see he is tax evading.
In exhaustion I ask him if we can set days he has my daughter, drop off and collection times etc. I gave him these 3 options;
Option 1: to continue with a family based arrangement but that we draw up an agreement and sign it. This includes the set days we have our daughter, drop off / collection times, and when the maintenance payments are due and how much. This would prevent conflict and solidify what we agreed.
Option 2: he tells CSA how much he earns so that they can correctly calculate the payments and ensure I get money to support my daughters living. I also reminded him that it’ll cost him an extra 20% and another 4% to me for using their services.
Option 3: I report him to HMRC for tax evading in hope that eventually he’ll do the right thing and allow CSA to take over.
All I am asking is for this to be a fair arrangement. Agree when you will have your daughter so that we can both have a life outside of parenting and that you pay your fair share to ensure the welfare of our daughter is met. He refuses to agree on either so what do I do?!
Im desperate to be a good mum but I am suffering with his abuse and manipulative behaviour towards me. My well-being has taken a huge hit, which in turn affects my daughter. As a mother this just makes you feel more worthless – ends up being a viscous cycle.
I do not know where to go from here.