Seperating after 20 years together

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  • #37235 Report

    Fearn
    Participant

    Hi.

    My ex and I have just separated after 20 years together. We have 4 children together.

    It has been a long and unhappy relationship and we have tried counselling a couple of times over the last few years.

    He has alcohol dependency and drank heavily for the first 15 years during which time there was a lot of emotional abuse.

    Due to health problems his drinking slowed down over the last 5 years but didn’t stop. He continued to be emotionally abuse. I believe that it wasn’t aware that how he treated me was abusive. He is a narcissist and truly believes that everything is everyone else’s fault and he is totally innocent.

    I hoped that he would one day wake up and realise he had to change but now realise he never will and I just had to get out of the toxic relationship.

    It has been awful so far and he has tried to get one of our kids on his side and believe this is all mummy’s fault. I am scared for the children’s emotional safety around him. I have basically been a single parent since the start and have tried to protect the kids from their dad but I couldn’t do that forever and ignore my own right to happiness.

    It was a strange feeling when he finally left. I felt relief that it was finally over. Proud of myself for doing what was right for me , scared of the responsibility of everything on my shoulders alone, guilt for upsetting the kids and disrupting their lives, anger at myself for allowing him to treat me and the kids so badly, disappointment with myself for choosing such a horrible man to father my children, and sadness and loneliness now it’s over and what I’ve been used to for half my life has changed forever .

    But I’m just trying to focus on how I can now live in my own home for the first time without feeling short of breath with fear and that constant knot in my stomach has finally come loose.

    I can be myself for the first time in a very long time. I’m trying to focus on the positives. But there is still that sadness that creeps up on me at night.

    My self worth has been worn away to non existence and I am finally in the position to work at finding it,probably for the first time in my whole life. It’s daunting.

    I would love to hear from others in similar situations. Most of my friends are happily married and just don’t understand.

    Thanks for reading xxx

    #37238 Report

    Kathymumofone
    Participant

    Hi Fearn, I didn’t stick it out for 20 years but my ex is an alcoholic too, with other things the same.  Well done for getting out.

    My self-worth flickered back into life after I decorated my bedroom. I know it sounds daft but after years of grim, I painted my room all light & sunny, made new curtains, moved things around, new bed linen & light shades. It helped me relax and return to a normal world where people are kind to each other. I set the alarm 20 mins earlier and have coffee & radio before I get up. Very reassuring. And if I have a bad day, it’s a calm place to retreat to.

    Little things but they help 😊

    #37243 Report

    Gingey28
    Participant

    Hi

    Hope you are well. I been in an emotionally abusive relationship but only lasted few months.. that was long enough. I cut off contact but I dont think in totally rid he still local and round and kind of stalking me a little.

    I hope no one feels they have to stay with anyone who is like this. It was horrible being blamed for everything and anytime i said he did something he spun it on me.

    Im trying to get on with things but i am grieving atm and im just wanting to focus on me and my son. Glad didnt get too serious in the relationship but i feel for anyone who has to deal with this for longer than I did

    Stay strong and focus on the good. Let only the good people around you in and spend time with them. I failed to look after myself properly when with him but he was no support and it hurt but i was strong to say no more

    Here to chat it needed

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