Separation – Battling to keep access to my child.
8 June 2019 at 12:40 am #26149
I am mom to a 10 year old Autistic Child. Been in a ten year relationship that ended early 2018. We rented a flat, son was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. I was the main breadwinner between 2013 – 2016 as I earned more money and difficulty finding child care due to sons needs; therefore father became a stay at home dad.
Dad was very controlling and coercive in the relationship. Dad found work as in late 2016 and we decided to work together to save and buy our own home. 2018 came and no efforts from dad to work towards our goal plus I became frustrated as dad wasn’t available for son and I anymore i.e. he was increasingly absent from home etc. Despite dad going back to work on late 2016 he refused to pay anything towards childcare, paid for half of household bills but never contributed to the debts I incurred whilst he was off work. Father in the meantime was exploiting me financially as I found out he had £20,000 in savings that he didn’t declare to me in our relationship. He also is in receipt of sons Chid benefit and Disability Living Allowance which he is ”saving”.
I decided I couldn’t live like this anymore (eventually we agreed to go our separate ways). Son and I move out of the flat we lived in as I could not afford it due to debts incurred in 2013 – 2016 and was still paying off. I rented an ensuite double room June 2018 for son and I while father decided to keep the flat. Nor did father care about son having to live in a room as it was convenient for him to go to work while I shouldered the responsibility of childcare, plus he could go on and continue living his life without inconvenience of son. We agreed son stays with me five nights and dad two nights a week. Father would collect son after school and I will collect son from father week day evenings; I take son to school every morning; and son stays with dad on Saturdays and with me on Sundays.
Fast forward November 2018 a woman and her friend contacted media Facebook to say she was in a relationship with father since January 2016. Woman did not know off my and sons existence but forgave father; continued relationship with father and now living in the flat son and I used to live in with father. Now she is pregnant and due to give birth September 2019, sold her flat to buy house for her and father, her newborn child and plotting to have my son live with them. I feel sorry for new girlfriend as she may have been manipulated with lies or sheer desperation to have her own family (as women some off us panic if we aren’t married with kids and approaching 40) but maybe not as she works as a Police Project Officer and probably masterminded the whole Domestic Violence claims. I say she masterminded it and gave father advise as I remember a conversation with her once where she advised me to not get caught up in sending dad angry messages, as she knew a man who lost contact with his child; a man who had the exact same scenario as I am in now (false accusations to Police, had Non-Molestation Order against him even though Mother lied – read more to understand what I am talking about).
November 2018, I was emotionally upset and sent father some abusive messages swearing but never violent or threatening. Father started threatening going for full custody and taking out an injunction against me.
December 2018, I went to flat to pickup son as usual. Entered flat and father violently pushed me towards the door because I mentioned that I wanted my furniture back, son was upset by this point, I was trying to free myself as was trapped between door and door frame and trying to retrieve what I thought was my car keys that fell inside the flat.
Son and I eventually left.
Fast forward February 2019, I was contacted by Police to say I allegedly committed a crime of Common Assault by forcing entry into fathers flat and assaulting him with the door because of the force I used to gain entry. I was questioned by Police under caution and still awaiting outcome. I off course did no such thing. I to protect myself stopped going to father residence from December 2018 as I started to catch on and was in shock that he made a false accusation to Police.
Later in the month of February 2019, I was then served a non-molestation order by father claiming Domestic abuse over the 10 year relationship. Many lies told to Family Judge to obtain a Non-Molestation Order. My own father advised me to apply for a Non-Molestation Order as father was the one that was abusive to me and I was granted one against him. So within a week, we now both have non-molestation orders.
Fast forward to Non-Molestation Order hearing which was scheduled for both of us in March 2019, but this was compromised by Cross-undertakings (I just didn’t have the fight in me).
Fast forward we continued our child care arrangements but father started refusing to return son on two occasions. First time he did this was because he was upset he had to leave work to pick nauseated and vomiting son up from school rather than me; second time was refused to return son to me because he found out I had put in a rival claim for son’s child benefit. After second occasion I decided to apply for a Prohibitive Steps Order but what I really needed was to apply for a Specific Order (that’s what happens when you are litigant in person and using internet for advise …hey ho). Father at return first hearing tried to apply for interim child arrangement order (he told the court that he has criminal proceedings against me; he is concerned about son and I living arrangements; I am emotionally and psychologically abusing son by telling son negative things about him; and that I am historically abusive to him physically, psychologically, emotionally. Asked Family Court to restrict my access to son to alternative weekends and Wednesdays only, also he wanted my access supervised by his sister.
Anyways, Father was denied an interim order at first hearing without fact finding as Magistrates didn’t see how son had safeguarding issues under my care. As both parties raised Domestic Violence, now CAFCASS is now involved.
I am worried CAFCASS would think son and I sharing a rented en-suite double room as not in his best interest and recommend Father as the resident parent. I am now financially stable after paying all my debts and my own Father luckily is able to afford me deposit money for my own house. As I am still in the looking for/buying phase, I am worried about what CAFCASS would think if I haven’t found a home by the return date I August 2019.
Beware!!!!! of people who have shown you red flags in relationships as Father cheated numerous times, made three (3) calls to Police maliciously about me and I only knew of two instances with false accusations; lied about little things e.g. when we first met he told me he fabricated his job to appear that he was a high income earner and then I found out he was a Receptionist, even told me his own Mother was a Co-operate Lawyer then I found out she worked in admin for a Co-operate lawyer. There was many evidence of delusion of Grandeur on his part, sometimes I felt that he was always trying to compete with his older brother was is an Ex-football player.
Not everyone who approach Domestic Violence Services like NCDV or other organisations are true victims. Some people use the police or genuine organisations like NCDV to get access to legal aid to battle you in court.
I am looking for advice but I also wanted others to read my story. To be aware of how others can manipulate agencies like the Police etc in order to have an unfair advantage in court to get a child arrangement order in their favour.
As a result of my experience, I have become very passionate about trying to dedicate myself in some way to highlight that NOT all who claim DV is actually a DV victim. I would love to work with real DV victims.