Separation and upset child
10 June 2021 at 6:48 am #55026
Katherine New StartParticipant
Hi, first time here. Separating from my husband, selling our house and moving into two smaller houses pretty soon. Thank goodness. I have 3 children and my 10 year old daughter is really struggling. Very upset. Says it’s all about leaving the house behind. Any ideas on how to help her?10 June 2021 at 3:13 pm #55120
I’m Michelle one of the Moderators here. I wondered whether some of the information here within the gingerbread site might be useful:
I hope that helps a bit
Michelle10 June 2021 at 9:31 pm #55167
So I’m a single parent of three. 2 boys and 1 girl. 11/15/ 17. I took custody 3 years ago.
Their mother gave up on them.
To start off the kids struggled. We moved to a new house. They kept on telling me how they missed the old one. It’s to be expected.
As you have probably been told before that they will adjust. They will. We are now in a better place than ever before.
Don’t beat yourself up. It gets better.
As for your daughter,she probably thinks it’s something she’s done. Reassure her that’s it’s not. She will adjust believe me.
Peter10 June 2021 at 10:39 pm #55172
Katherine New StartParticipant
Thanks Peter. It’s really good to hear from someone who understands. My older two are 15 and 17 too. I do feel terribly guilty for doing this to the kids. But long term really do believe it will be for the best for everyone. Just really tough at the moment.10 June 2021 at 11:10 pm #55177
Please don’t feel guilty. You have to stay strong.Not only for the kids but for yourself.I was overwhelmed at first. We were together for 23 years. The hardest thing was not having the same routine. I hope that makes sense.
Peter.11 June 2021 at 8:24 pm #55206
Hi Katherine, I have had to move my son and put him through upheaval a few times. I absolutely did not want to do it, I wanted to avoid it more than anything but it was way beyond my control. At first I hated ever hearing my son say how much this change upset him or how he missed this and that and felt sad etc that we’d had to move away from school/friends and house he loved.
I now work towards listening to whatever he says and just listening. I try put my own triggers aside – when I felt guilty and devastated for him hearing him upset about things I naturally wanted to change the subject quickly or make it better and gloss over his feelings. It can make you want to snap sometimes if it is too overwhelming and you can’t fix it; I know I often want to say just stop it. We are only human and you’re going through alot yourself.
Instead of doing that, what I do now is just listen. Asking things like tell me how you feel, what will you miss the most and not trying to fix it. Facing it head on by letting the kids talk about it, without the guilt, without trying to fix it, can make quite a difference. Just being heard without you trying to fix it is actually enough for kids I’ve now learnt. I’ve noticed how quickly they can move on and how resilient they are when you address the 🐘 in the room. You let them say it, you sympathise, you listen but you stay strong and don’t offer any huge fixes, just express confidence that you know things will work out just fine for you all as they always do.
Try lose the guilt and mourn the loss for yourself without worrying about what the kids have lost so much. You are not responsible for every outcome that impacts your kids. They have you, this is what they need. Knowing you’ve got this emotionally will get them through. They will adjust.