Separation

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  • #43818 Report

    Bella99
    Participant

    After years of unhappiness with the marriage my husband has finally left. He took it very badly saying I’ve ruined his life. We have been sleeping in separate beds for 5 years. We constantly row & bicker. We have nothing in common.
    he put up such a fight to stay. He was trying to save the marriage but I knew deep down it was over. So I didn’t even try. He’s been in tears saying I don’t want to leave you all. This has gone on since lockdown. I’m mentally exhausted. My adult children are not very happy with me at all. My husband has moved into our eldest house. My eldest is not replying to my messages. My middle son is very sad and barely speaking.
    I already miss husband dreadfully. I’m feeling so low.  But I know in my heart I’ve done the right thing. I’m very upset the kids have reacted like this. What was I supposed to do, stay in the marriage and be unhappy until we die??
    my emotions are all over the place when I thought I would be happy he had gone.
    Is this normal To be feeling like I’m going to burst into tears??

    #43819 Report

    It all sounds very fresh, they perhaps need to all get there head round what’s happened, give them time.

    It is a brave thing to do, make sure there are no regrets and if you know in your heart of hearts that you have made the right decision then you have but if there is still something deep within your heart then perhaps you might consider counselling and if then you are no further forward you have a clearer picture, either way your husband might respect your decision later on along the line but at the moment I think you need to let him heal and respect the distance for the time being.

    You must do what You feel is right.

     

     

    #43820 Report

    Bella99
    Participant

    Thank you for your words.
    I’m a mess. As I know he is.
    I still do love him. We have been together for 30 years. I just couldn’t go on feeling so unhappy. I desperately want us to still be in contact. As well as older kids We also have a young one.
    I grew up with parents that constantly argued and I absolutely hated it. I don’t want my little one to also have this kind of parenting.
    he’s threatened to leave during the marriage. He’s used to be a very heavy drinker. He’s now given  up under doctors orders. But while drunk he said many mean horrible things to me. Words that I can’t forget.
    my older children know how difficult he can be. I really think he needs counselling. He has issues.
    I’ve been a good wife. I don’t know how he can be so unreasonable with me.. making me out to be an absolute b**ch to the kids. And then playing the pity card.
    Oh my goodness this is all so sad.

    #43822 Report

    Argh it’s these times you really need a hug we can’t even do this now can we.

    It is good to talk tho feel free to chat to me anytime.

    You have been together for along time, take a deep breath for yourself, for minute you have been really brave. I’ve been told it’s a knee jerk reaction by the way, unfortunately it’s there way of dealing with it by being mean, I’m sure the kids know deep down the situation although it must be hard for them as they are in the middle, I think for the time being it is actually a blessing they are there for him from what you’ve said and try and get comfort from that, see it as a positive and try not to see it as taking sides, I know I would probably feel the same and there is a lot of emotions about and you won’t feel you can think straight, you have comfort that he is being looked after so you can focus on yourself now without the extra worry, process what’s happened it will take time, take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself, if you love each other you will want what is best either together or apart, you will find the away.

    This might be the best thing to happen in the long run, he may even thankyou for it one day and all be it become the best of friends.

    Be you for you!

    I think someone has recommended to me on here before ‘mindfulness, if you have YouTube there are many different relaxing and calming music, I have found it has helped to ground me a lot, take time out for yourself and to gather your thoughts.

     

    #43823 Report

    Bella99
    Participant

    one of my boys just said to me  on his way out for the night, “I respect you Mum” and gave me hug. I needed to hear this so badly and I needed the hug so badly!
    thank you sunshine after the rain 🙏

    #43824 Report

    Bella99 great to hear and deserved🙌

    Be kind to yourself.

    #43827 Report

    Daloser
    Participant

    Hi Bella,

    I am a doting father and thought I was a loving husband.  I have a busy job, but I am always run home in time to give dinner to the children and put them to sleep most days. I do this because I love them and my wife as I believe she deserves a break.  We have 2 children , 3 and 4 years old, and I cannot live without them.

    My wife and I had an anniversary recently which was date night at home and was wonderful, end of may this year.  We had and argument about her wanting to visit her home in June in Rep of Ireland as I was worried about COVID.  I was not empathetic and told her not to get emotional as people were dying and losing jobs, and she was crying she could not go home.  I feel really bad, but I was just very worried as I work in the NHS.

    She decided to go anyway with the kids and decided to tell me over the phone after a 8 year relationship, that I made her feel miserable and insecure and spoke about fights we had 5 years ago.  She has a family and friends there and has a lot of support.  I am an immigrant here in the UK and have no one.  I have been too busy with work and family to even make friends.   I did not see my kids for 2 months and was distraught.  She never explained anything further and stonewalled me, ignoring my request to talk and work things out for the KIDS.

    After 2 months, I took legal advice and they said we should accuse her of child abduction which I was not very comfortable with, so I sent her a text explaining this.  The very next day she sends a domestic violence order and emergency relocation order!  This was all backdated to July around the time she left!

    I respect the fact she doesn’t want to be with me, it was all very sudden and no communication apart from shouting at me over the phone during the breakup call.  I do completely understand her decision, but she wants to keep my children away from me which is heartbreaking for me.

    The court has asked her to come back for the time being with the kids until the final hearing.  I have moved out of the house which is substantially big and now staying in a tiny flat , shared with others.  I see my kids only 2 times a week and she makes if very difficult for me to spend time with them

    I do understand your plight, and I just wanted to know a few things from your perspective as my wife is not talking to me, as we can’t due to legal reasons

    Did you talk to your husband explaining things? Is this a normal reaction or am I just gullible and unreasonable to expect a better breakup?

    How can I go about trying to talk to her and reason with her about co parenting and not bringing hate between us and the kids? – your perspective on how your husband should approach you to talk about things

    Is there anything you suggest that would make things more amicable apart from signing the kids away?

    I understand marriages break, and I wish her all the happiness I couldn’t provide, but my family can’t break.  I need to be with the kids

    I am proud of her in the sense she stood up for her feelings, but I am not an unreasonable man and I have approached her on many occasions to ask if she was happy and there was never a single day I didn’t tell her that I loved her.  I am distraught that I have failed as a husband and a human being and I am going for counseling to help myself and I do suggest you do the same.  https://www.relate.org.uk/

    Any advice would be appreciated.

    Many thanks, sorry about the bickering

     

     

     

    #43828 Report

    Bella99
    Participant

    Hi i am sorry to hear you are going through this. You sound like a lovely husband and dad. I think it’s unfair of her to keep the kids away from you. They shouldn’t be involved.
    Sorry I’m not much help I’m struggling terribly. I hope you can manage to see your kids soon.

    #43829 Report

    Daloser
    Participant

    Hi Bella,

    I can empathize with you, have you gone for counseling?  Do you need someone to talk to ?

    Please take care of your self

    #43830 Report

    Bella99
    Participant

    Yes I need counselling. Thanks for the link

    #43831 Report

    Daloser
    Participant

    Sorry you have to go though this by yourself.  All the best. Please keep in touch through this if you need to talk/chat

    #43994 Report

    Bella99
    Participant

    Thank you. I hope you are ok

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)

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