Separating after 19 years

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  • #64176 Report

    Lau26
    Participant

    We have 3 children, married for 10 been together for 19 years. He won’t talk and I just want answers. I made first move, said I couldn’t live like this anymore. We weren’t communicating, sleeping in separate beds, no affection ever for months. He’s moving out and does not want to talk about it. He’s always been very deep but I feel so hurt even though we can’t work through this (we have tried twice before over 7 years) I feel so sad for my children 😢

    #64185 Report

    Deedum
    Participant

    I completely understand how you feel. My husband of 18yrs left a week before Xmas. Although technically I asked him to move out it’s all about him. He has devastated me. Told me he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s not attracted to me but won’t really talk about it. It’s so confusing. I would like it to be able to work but I don’t hold out any hope. We have two children and I feel so guilty & sad that I can’t explain any of this. I know life goes on and we will survive but how do you get over the sadness?

    #64189 Report

    Lau26
    Participant

    Oh I’m sorry to hear you are going through this as well. It’s heartbreaking. Family have told me that I have to do what’s best for me (I put my emotional needs aside for a long time) but I still feel guilty for putting the children through this. How did your children handle it? I haven’t told mine yet, he’s going next  week.

    #64193 Report

    Deedum
    Participant

    They are very quiet. The older one is talking a bit more and asking questions but the younger 12 yr old is very quiet. The first reaction was preservation of their lives. What about school &  friends etc but now I think they are just sad and confused which pains me. I want to scream and shout & cry but I’m trying desperately to show them everything will be ok. We do have to do what’s right for us as that’s what will positively effect the kids. Being in an unhappy marriage is damaging. I just feel stupid as I thought we were happy 😔 I hope it goes ok with the kids for you. Children are amazing and so accepting , I think the most important thing is to reassure them they are loved no matter what.

    #64196 Report

    Lau26
    Participant

    Aw bless them, it’s going to take time for them to adjust and children are definitely more resilient than we think. I’m just dreading it. Is dad still seeing them? Mine will be there for them I have no doubt so I’m hoping that will help them cope. I totally agree it will damage them more if I stay in this unhappy marriage. My eldest is 12 as well and I’m trying to teach him about healthy relationships all with him seeing me and his dad like this 🤷‍♀️. We don’t argue in front of them but we don’t speak either so that is hell for us all. Thank you for your reply x

    #64203 Report

    Deedum
    Participant

    Good luck with everything 🤞 it will all go smoothly x

    #64282 Report

    Ems73
    Participant

    Oh my! Lau26 it’s like reading my own story! We are still in same house but I get ignored. Too be honest I suppose it’s not much different from before being “told” 4 weeks ago that we need a divorce.

    Haven’t told my children if 10 and 13 yet. Didnt want to spoil their xmas.also requested I buy him out of mortgage. Not sure where that money is supposed to come from! Wants to divorce as quick as poss. I’m still in shock. We have worked through probs before. However, he never wants to put any effort into the marriage. Says he needs to start over. Says we have “no sparks” after 17 years. How many couples really do? Says our marriage is too comfortable. I would have argued that’s a good thing but hey ho!

    #64284 Report

    AnotherStatistic
    Participant

    Hi there. I’m separating from my wife (been together for 13 years) and the pain is unbearable at times, but then at other times I feel positive about the future. It is not a straightforward linear journey – more of a circular rollercoaster of emotions, but the ride never ends. It’s exhausting really.

    Our kids have handled it well so far – better than me! They are only young (primary school age) so I think they’re very flexible and resilient at that age. I just keep showering them with love and reassurance- they are my world and always will be.

    #64288 Report

    Lau26
    Participant

    Ah I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it as well. It is heartbreaking but sometimes things have to be done to find ourselves again, I’m dreading Telling the children, hes moving out this week. Hope u r ok xx

    #64290 Report

    Lau26
    Participant

    Ems73. I’m sorry you are going through this as well, we have a mortgage too and he’s come up with all sorts of unrealistic suggestions. I’m just so sad. I hope ur okay. I don’t know how  I will cope when I tell the children xx

    #64294 Report

    MR2123
    Participant

    Sorry to hear we are all going through this. Early in new year she will be moving out (still trying to reach a financial settlement). She effectively ended the marriage although things weren’t great. We have a 7 and 3 year old

    AnotherStatistic I understand what you mean by the rollercoaster. Sometimes it feels like the numbness and sadness will never end, then it’s a bit of positivity. Just want to get off!

    #64295 Report

    AnotherStatistic
    Participant

    Thanks. We told the kids a while ago now (together) and the build-up to it was far worse than the reality. We agreed a script beforehand and split the lines between us- it’s pretty much the only thing that we have been able to do smoothly and cooperatively this entire horrible process!  Happy to share more details about the script etc directly, if it helps.

    #64297 Report

    Technibabe
    Participant

    Ive been with my husband over 24 years (been married over 17 and have a 14 and almost 10 year old children) and in September 2021 he suddenly announced to me he has gender dysphoria and has felt that way since he was 14… Now 46! How couls i not have known. 🙁

    Theres a lot to my story but he had been wearing a skirt, tights and womens shoes for work without me knowing until i demanded to know why he has been acting differently and moody etc. I thought he was cheating on me and he then just sent me a photo of him at work.. No explanation just a photo. I felt sick to the stomach and devastated. My entire world rocked to the core and dont know what this means going forward. I feel he married me under false pretences to portray a “normal” life but doesnt want to transition even now. He wont leave. Ive given him evrry opportunity to leave and live tge life he clearly wants but he just wont go as says he loves me and the kids and will give it all up for us.

    Im so confused. Dont know whether to stay or go. In my heart i need to kick him out snd br ruthless because he jist wont go. How can i trust someone thats been lying to me since day dot together and i had NO clue, not at all.

    I instigated couples counselling (he refused to go initially!) so we have had 1 session and got separate sessions next week and week after then one together in 3 weeks.

    I want to be with him  but i dont want him as a her (as im not a lesbian and not prepared to change my sexual orientation to fit his!) and trying to be supportive in the fact to let him go after 24 years to find himself but elsewhere as not something i can live with. I dont want thr kids dealing with this eother as our oldets has learning difficulties so she has enough to cope with.

    Is there anyone else out there suffering like me? Find it really hard to fins a good webaite for support for women of Trans husbands.

    I dont enat to give up on nearly 25 years together but i am struggling to deal with any of this. All i want deep down inside is to start a new life with my kids as this isnt going to go away and dont want to waste any more energy and time on him when it isnt going to end well.

    #64298 Report

    AnotherStatistic
    Participant

    Hi Technibabe, it sounds like you are in a really tough spot – it’s not something I have any experience of I’m afraid. However, I can say that I’ve tried couples counselling with a half-hearted partner and it really was a waste of time – you both have to be ‘all in’ for it to work.

    The other thing that strikes me about your post is the fact that your partner refused to leave. If you do ever get to the point where your mind is 100% made-up then he really has no choice!  Although my situation is pretty different to yours, I can say that the initial shock of seeing someone for who they really are is the hardest part. It does get easier, and your mind will become clearer and more equipped to take the tough decisions you need to.

    #64337 Report

    Em
    Participant

    Hi. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone. I am separating from my husband after 14 1/2 years of marriage and more than 21 years together. I’ve been with him since I was 18 and never really been an adult without him. We have two children, both in primary school. He’s been away loads over the years, through work, but hasn’t made our split any easier. We made the decision a week before Xmas and then continued the pretence for Xmas. My children are so confused because they thought we were happy. We’ve had a really tough 18 months but I felt like we were through the worst of it and I love him so much. My love love wasn’t enough and he says his feelings have changed. I had a panic attack the night before we told the kids. Dreading the ‘back to school’ parent gossip once everyone finds out. I have no family near me and feel so alone and let down. At the very least, he was my best friend.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)

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