Separated but continuing verbal and controlling domestic abuse

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  • #51458 Report

    Nicola
    Participant

    Hi,

    I separated from my sons dad after 6 years and when our son was 4 months old. The relationship had deteriorated for a couple of years and he’d become very controlling and verbally abusive. He was very belittling towards me and I ended up feeling reliant on his approval to make me feel happy.

    His need to still always feel in control has continued and he tells me he’s going to tell our son how poisonous I am when he’s older and he has all the court documents and solicitor emails printed out ready to show him to turn him against me. Everything I do with my sons best interest at the heart, he tells me that I’m stopping him spending time with him etc. I’ve always abided by the court order but he doesn’t like what was decided and wants me to ignore it. My son is now 21 months and very close to me, he was breastfed for 7months and has always been with me, after just 1 night of stopping at his dads the next day he is now so needy and doesn’t want to leave me or even go to sleep at night unless he’s led on me.

    His dad won’t even look or speak to me in person, tells me I have to text him if I want to ask how my sons been whilst with him but then he blanks my messages and my calls. To everyone he tells them that I’m a horrible parent etc but nobody knows how he was to me and the reasons I had to take the child live with me order through court.

    I just feel like I’m going to be turned against once he’s older if his dad continues this behaviour and I no longer know where to turn. It’s still having a big impact on my anxiety and mood and I feel like there’s very little support now that I’m not with him, people just expect me to be fine now when I have to see him etc. Does anyone know where I can turn for support?

    #51547 Report

    Sue
    Moderator

    Hi Nicola,

    It sounds like a difficult situation, thank you for posting your question.

    If your ex is still behaving in an abusive or controlling way the National Domestic Abuse Helpline can provide support even after you have separated: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/I-have-already-left-my-abuser

    You can also contact the Gingerbread helpline on 0808 802 0925 where one of our advisers can talk through your options with you.

    Sue

    #52257 Report

    Maryleigh
    Participant

    Reading your post makes me so sad as could be myself writing your words.

    Firstly Nicola, no one could turn your boy away from you. You are his entire world and always will be, and that is what your ex hasn’t got but uses again you.

    I was in a abusive controlling relationship. He convinced me I was shit at everything. Driving, cooking, laundry. I walked on eggshells everyday worried of upsetting him, being useless at everything.

    But I wasn’t shit. He just wanted me to be. I was ally kids needed and wanted. You are all your boy needs. You can stand up to him. Do you have support? Someone by your side? Xx

     

    #52284 Report

    Leader1978
    Participant

    It’s unfortunate to read the issues that you are facing but please ensure you continue to use this forum as a means of emotional support whenever you may need it. It appears to me that your ex partner is struggling to come to terms with the limited contact that had been ordered by the court; however, your child was very young at the time and was being breastfed so it would have been difficult for any significant time to be ordered for the child to be away from the mother.

    As Sue has mentioned above, do also ensure that you connect with the relevant bodies and obtain the support that you need.

    I assume your ex only has your son for one night a week? Given your son is still very young, has any time during the day for a few hours been ordered by the court?  This maybe an option to consider as it could be that your son is feeling anxious due to the length of time he is away from the other parent; this will also show your ex that you are being reasonable and putting your sons interests first without having to deal with your son being unsettled after overnight stays.

    #52314 Report

    helpeachother123
    Participant

     This is exactly what my ex has said and word for word – it was like reading my story! I am sorry you’re going through this. I am also going through exactly the same.  he turns eveything on me, gas lights and basically doesn’t stop insulting me.
    I am currently worried as we have not adhered to the court order because of it and it’s worrying but he won’t change.
    here if need me.

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