Separated after nearly 14 years together so much to do!

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  • #19763 Report

    Kanger1
    Participant

    My husband and I separated at the beginning of Jan, it was a shock at first especially as he was so final on the decision but we have been struggling for the past couple of years and now I have  processed totally in agreement.  I am both pertrified and excited for the future.  We are very amicable but not looking forward to the financial side getting sorted as I only work part-time so will be a change in my spending etc. He is staying here (we only have a young mortgage) until we clear another debt and then he will start house hunting.  Where did everyone start with sorting things? Solicitors or bank? Just feel we need to draw up agreements to enable us all to stay on the same page.

    Its all a bit strange as you never think you will be in this kind of situation. We have never got on better now the dust has settled which helps the process, we just need to keep an eye on our 9 year old too in case she does get worried about the change etc. Any tips on supporting kids would be great?

    How is everyone coping socially? its something I need to get back into, the mums at my daughter’s school aren’t too friendly so thinking running club or exercise classes are good to just get out and about?

    Hope everyone is having a good/positive day.

     

    #19766 Report

    Chez86
    Participant

    We have seperated after 17 years. My decision, I left him due to domestic abuse. We are similar in that we have a young mortgage and both living under the same roof, though completely separate lives. It is finances that has meant I’ve had to come back to the house, fortunately, I have just been offered a job that starts in March after 3 years training to do this. I will then be the one to move out, there is indeed a lot to do but I’ve made a list and have found some incredible support on here from others in a similar situation.

    Focus on the living arrangements

    Childcare

    How to move forward

    That is probably the most immediate steps and yes there are a million things to do and are not simple but please take each day as it comes and take the time to process every step.

    My tips on supportusu the kids has been to give them time to process it too. Be honest but they also don’t need to know every detail. Don’t discuss the in depth parts or reasons for seperating in front of children. My son struggles a lot with anxiety since this and by the way his father has treated him, my daughter who is younger doesn’t understand as much but she has been having toileting accidents that is not like her at all. Theyre trying to process in their own ways.

    Keep on talking, the people on here are very supportive.

    #19773 Report

    Kanger1
    Participant

    Thank you chez86. I think I am trying to do everything at once which is crazy. Work provide counselling where I have already had x1 session which is going to help alot, she could see I am very practical about everything but probably need to be less so. Our daughter really appreciates lots more cuddles at the moment but also pushing boundaries as she too suffers a bit of anxiety 😕 ups and downs I guess?. we have noticed our cat and dog have become clingy too which is kind of nice to be fair.

    Congratulations on your new job it sounds like your new chapter is already beginning in the right direction.

    #19774 Report

    Chez86
    Participant

    I know, it’s because you want to find answers, but this takes time, otherwise it’s not going to happen smoothly. Good you are having counselling and hopefully this sets you on the right path. Good that your daughter is finding comfort from you and the pushing boundaries is absolutely normal, just make sure she has a fine balance of discipline and to go easy on her too. This is very difficult because when my son was pushing boundaries (still is) it’s easy to say he’s having a tough time so let him off. In fact, children need discipline and stability, though you will feel guilty.

     

    Thanks. Hopefully life will be beginning in the right direction. Just a bit heartbroken, angry and hurt. Need to heal!

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