20 January 2020 at 12:50 am #35942
I’m new to Gingerbread having recently separated from my husband…
I would like to share my story in the hope that someone can share some wise words that can help me feel a little more positive about life right now.
Long long story short, my husband and I have been married 4.5 years. I have 2 daughters from a prev relationship, and my husband and I have a daughter age 2, and I just gave birth last week to a lovely baby boy.
When I was 36 weeks pregnant, just before Christmas, I discovered once again that my husband was cheating on me. He had met up with this lady unbeknownst to myself probably while he was ‘out with friends’, and had also maintained online relationships that consisted of sexting and sharing porn pics which he exchanged with multiple women over time on social media platforms. As this wasn’t the first time, I saw no other option but to kick him out. Since then, I havn’t heard anything from him. I didn’t even manage to grasp an apology. After this episode, I did Christmas alone, new years alone, gave birth alone, and will experience our daughters 2nd birthday most likely alone.
I’m feeling so low, but trying to stay positive. I am on maternity leave now and although I have just given birth and trying to cherish these moments, I can’t help but feel like absolute crap. I have been unworthy of an apology from my husband- this just breaks my heart. My new baby Son is unworthy of his acknowledgement too. Besides this, he didn’t bother sending me any of the finances for December after I put him out, so I have literally scraped by on pittance this month. We had so much other things in the pipeline, but I now just feel so vulnerable. We are living in a 2 bedroom apartment, and searching for a 3 bed either through shared ownership or renting until we could afford to buy. But I really don’t know how I will be able to do this alone as I still need a 3 bed with or without him.
I feel an overwhelming level of weight on my shoulders. I am having difficulty in facing that I have to provide for my children, house them, work fulltime, enjoy maternity leave, and be happy, all on my own. All I want to do is save and I cannot even do that.
I’m struggling to find any respite. I have family and friends but they don’t understand. I’m worried that this is going to break me. I feel like a failure in everything.20 January 2020 at 8:37 am #35946
I’m sorry you are going through this. Hoepfully it won’t be long before other parents here respond to you. In the meantime I will be sending you a personal message with some signposting options which may be useful.
Kind regards, Justine20 January 2020 at 1:25 pm #35954
Thanks Justine20 January 2020 at 2:47 pm #35958
I am sorry to hear of your tail and what you are going through.
I have been through separation/divorce for the last year and half and I understand where you are now and how dark it looks. However, nothing lasts, and the light at the end of the tunnel will appear soon. The most important tip I’d give you is to try to look after yourself as much as you can, because if you feel fine, you can then look after your kids and will have the energy and focus to tackle the divorce issue. Of course, this can be hard at times, so do not shy away from seeking help. There are charities who offer counselling to individuals in your position, so its worth checking them out. Also, try to find things that take your mind off the divorce. For me, I tried many sports, and running did the job for me. I used to hate running, but during the divorce I took it up, and every time I go for a run, it clears my mind.
And above all of that, remember, as I said at the beginning, the current situation/feeling won’t last forever, just stick in there, weather the storm, look after yourself as much as you can, and it will all pass.
Best wishes.20 January 2020 at 4:30 pm #35959
I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. My husband left me when I was 22 weeks pregnant suddenly with no real explanation (with the help of a counsellor I’ve figured out he probably has a narcissistic personality disorder). I have 3 other children, and like you was completely broken and didn’t know how I would survive. I’m 37 weeks pregnant now and he’s shown no interest in me, the baby or my kids. But a few months down the line I can tell you it does get easier. You will find an inner strength you didn’t know you had. I think to myself now, he is the one missing out, and ultimately he’s going to live a very miserable life. I suspect it’s the same for your husband. They are the real losers in this, not us.
I really benefitted from counselling, it helped me to process it all and change the way I see things. I pity my husband now!
Take one day at time and know that you will get through this, you really will. I feel your pain and I know right now it feels like you wont, but trust me you will. If you want to talk please feel free to message me, I’m happy to listen. Dont feel like you’re alone. Sending you lots of love x20 January 2020 at 9:07 pm #35965
I’m really sorry to hear your situation. I can’t offer advice on experience because I am also in the midst of a marriage breakdown- seems to also be a narcissistic issue with substance abuse and eating disorder thrown in which has plagued my recent maternity leave. I have found there are some very strong people on here and take strength from the promise that it will get better.
Everyone’s mentioning counselling- Are there any recommended counselors for this type of situation? I spoke to relate but they won’t deal with me anymore because of the abusive nature of the situation? sending you well wishes xxx20 January 2020 at 9:56 pm #35967
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. Stick in there and you’ll, eventually, be fine.
In terms of counselling, I tried the one you mentioned and it didn’t work for me. Obviously this was my personal experience on that agency and others may have found it useful. But then I tried another service provider and they were much better. They are a local group in Cardiff and I am not sure if they have the same service in other parts of the country. Nevertheless, you should do a Google search for counsellors in your area and try one or two to find the one that understands your situation best and gives you optimal help.
Best wishes20 January 2020 at 10:39 pm #35968
There do seem to be a lot people out there in terrible situations. When it first happened to me I really thought I was the only one going through it. But coming on here and reading others stories really opened my eyes! And in a weird way it was a comfort to know I’m not the only one going through struggles in life.
With regards to counselling I know in my local area (dorset) you can self refer to nhs services, however I found them not so helpful. Basically they didn’t want to know! But you could always see what options you have. Make an appointment with your gp maybe? I went online and looked up private counselling in my area. I’m seeing a lady who works from home. She only charges £30 an hour. And to be honest she’s been worth every penny! She’s really helped me to process everything and get clarity. If it weren’t for her I don’t think I would have been able to get the closure I needed. Personally I highly recommend counselling and talking through your problems.21 January 2020 at 8:48 pm #35995
Thanks everyone, will have a look. Hope you are all having a good evening. I’m finding it really draining to go to classes and meet ups with other mums and hear them talking about how tired they are and how their partners don’t do some petty thing. I’m trying not to isolate myself.