Relocation? Please help
5 July 2021 at 9:55 am #56152
I am in desperate need of advice and guidance. I separated from my husband 3 years ago – I stayed in the marital home and he moved back in with his parents. We are currently living about 10 mins away from each other.
we have shared care of our daughters (5 and 12), they split their time between us on an informal agreement of one week here, one week with their dad at his parents house. It has been this way since we split. We are flexible and the girls can move between our houses freely within reason.
We have never formally agreed anything with regards to our separation or care of the children. We are not even divorced yet nor have proceedings started. It’s all just conversations between us which I will admit are tense and often times; impossible. My ex and I do not have a good relationship at all, it is not even civil. I am not looking to lay all the blame at his feet but we struggle to co parent to put it politely. It’s a real shame for the girls and the situation is becoming worse.
Where we currently live is not my hometown, I moved here around 100 miles away from where I’m from when I was much younger, met my husband and we stayed here. I’ve always wanted to return home at some point and I feel like now is the time. I have no family or friends here, I am isolated and living in a less than desirable area. My mum is getting older and her health is in decline, I would love to be able to be there to support her too.
ive been offered a promotion in my current company that would involve a relocation near to my hometown. In my current job, I am an hour away from work which takes me away from the girls for 2 hours a day and means I need to use childcare before and after school. A relocation would mean a big increase in pay and a better way of life for my girls and more time with me. The house and area we are in now are less than ideal and we have no family or support network local to us. I would love them to be closer to extended family and for me to be able to spend more time with them due to working closer to where we would be living.
The current situation at their dad’s is that he still lives in his parents spare room and has also recently moved his new girlfriend there too. I’m not happy with the situation and don’t feel it’s in our daughters best interests. I want my girls to have a stable, constant home with contact with us both.
I understand this would be a huge move for the girls, I really do. It would mean new schools, new area, new friends etc but I really do believe it would be in their best interests long term. I would not put them through this if I didn’t truly believe it was for a better life.
The only issue is their dad is absolutely dead set against the move. He point blank refuses to even acknowledge the idea and wants the situation to remain as it is. I have tried to discuss this calmly and rationally to him but he just won’t even entertain the idea. I do understand, I really do. I am trying to make him see that although the girls would be 100 miles from him and contact would look different, I’m not trying to cut him out of their lives. Contact would just look different.
Does anyone have any experience in this situation? Is it even worth trying to continue with this move if their dad is so set against it? Money is incredibly tight and looking at the cost of mediation and then court, I know I would never, ever be able to afford that. I am in a lot of debt and it’s just not feasible.
I want to do this properly, I just don’t know if it’s even a real possibility without his consent.
would love to hear of anyone who has been through similar or who has some advice, this is currently keeping me awake at nights and making me ill.7 July 2021 at 10:25 pm #56283
I have an official 50/50 agreement with my ex and it basically ties me into living in his patch until the children leave home. Like you, I don’t have have family within a hundred miles and that is very isolating for us now our marriages have collapsed.
What do your children think?
It sounds like there are a lot of advantages to taking the promotion, but from their perspective they would be seeing much less of their more familiar grandparents as well as their Dad.8 July 2021 at 7:49 pm #56323
I’ve read quite a few times how people are feeling isolated and thinking of taking their kids from all they are familiar with and moving back to their hometowns after a decade or two of living away.It might be prudent to keep in mind that everyone has moved on a bit in time and things haven’t stayed the same in the places we’ve left either.Family sometimes may be the answer to some problems, often unfortunately not(not to mention sometimes actually being the cause🙁). Also it’s possible to have plenty family and still be very isolated and alone.I’ve heard from so many people in so many different situations-some that surprised me bc they’re married and seem to have lots of friends & fam- about how lonely they are…..just sayin🤔