Relationship can’t flourish …. please give me some wisdom

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  • #51072 Report

    Fruitbat123
    Participant

    So to condense it down a lot – single mum of 1. Left a very abusive relationship over 13 years ago. My teen is now 15. We’ve lived alone all these years her and I and are very close.

    I have always worked, despite childcare and private rent killing me. It’s very true what they say in, ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’

    I’ve met a great guy 18 months ago. But he’s a troubled past with his ex. His daughter lives with him past 5 years, but due to her behaviour and their patenting leniency she’s off the rails.

    Again to try and condense it: mother is not a good role model and I’ll leave it as that.

    Daughter dropped out of school at 13. Shes highly manipulative in my eyes and will not back down at any cost !! The father, my partner always gives in ! This is my huge issue. She’s no GCSE’s, will not do college – despite myself having spent a lot of time supporting the enrolment of a course and sourcing her a laptop. Will not go !! Dropped out right away. Will not get a job and has such a painfully bad whiny attitude !! She is hardly at home and spends her time at her mums, grannies, cousins, friends etc. Then she rings the other grandparents causing drama and my parter gets grief which puts him in a bad mood – in turn the tension is awful.

    She seems to think she’s in the band littlemix. Her life is real hair extensions, eyes lashes, nails, tan, lip fillers, expensive catalogue clothing .. all at 17?

    So as she’s this ‘of her own agenda’, he’ll often arrive here and she’s ringing saying she’s at home hungry. He then gives in for a take away for her and often a friend. Then rings and demands money transferred for other things.

    Myself and partner were’ really in love the first year. He was always here at my home as he was working closer to here at the time. I have been to his often too but it’s hard for me as it was the marital home !! He doesn’t get that. I continued to go until covid hit badly.

    He suggested moving the relationship on and asked to move in with me recently. BIG step for me after all these years. I was so chuffed as we make a great team. My daughter is very accepting of him and he’s a good role model ( except he corrects my parenting) which is very undermining and I have to talk to my daughter about that each time).

    I can’t take this drama. I worked hard since very young and I can’t cope with this manipulative, guilt tripping carry on. My partner said she’s threatened to take her own life twice in the past and 1 occasion she rang the police saying she’d overdosed. The police kicked the door in and she wasn’t even at home. All made up 🙁

    He asked to move in, but with his teen years too. I can’t have her living here not in college, with no job and no work ethos. Lying in bed all day and inevitably calling the shots. I’ve done so much to help and as I want to progress the relationship I get involved and he can’t accept it and gets highly defensive !!

    I keep saying tough love is needed and he won’t. She won’t do dishes, housework, her own laundry nothing. My daughter is much younger and is also horrified the other teen conducts herself.

    As a favour I was there at his one long weekend a year or so ago. I cleaned the house so beautifully. She then took a strop when she got in claiming it was for me visiting ! Partner said my daughter and I did it and she ought to take a leaf out of our books and help out.

    We’ve had a very bad row now as I’ve had enough. His ex didn’t work. I said I’ve killed myself to buy my own house, have a car, decent job and I’ve done many night classes in recent years to get ahead. I’ve done it all. I don’t serve this BS now. I want our lives to progress !

    He’s not happy and said daughter will come first and I’m jealous of her ? Im far from it. I’m now just so annoyed I’ve been so kind to her and Christmas and helping and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t even talk to my daughter and my daughter was really upset over it.

    Why is life so hard. I’ve waited all these years to trust a man again, to invest time and effort and the relationship is just not sustainable in this drama.

    #51155 Report

    Scottydotty
    Participant

    Anyone at all?

    #51162 Report

    kathmaria143
    Participant

    Wow, what a situation. Ok, let me try to answer. It sounds like a drama play scene, plot and characters.

    So enter character number one:

    Your partner’s daughter: It seems she is very good at acting and knows how to get her own way, using emotional manipulation and bully techniques. Unfortunately, this is her techniques shes uses to get her own way. This in a way is a full-time job in its self. These are learned techniques that can be changed.

    Obviously, I don’t know what she likes, what things she is into. Perhaps music. Does she like to sing, act, dance? If you or your partner can tap into what her passion is maybe this would be a positive direction for her to get her refocused on that kind of career. I kept thinking when I read your message. I would discover she has a love interest or she may get pregnant. If she is having sexual relationships, she obviously is taking some kind of responsibility not to get pregnant.

    Now let’s talk about your partner. I sense with him. He is trying to make his daughter happy, and yourself. He may feel he is in the middle of you both being pulled one way and pulled the other way to his daughter. I fear for his own mental health, and when people become very overwhelmed some people do resort to suicidal thoughts and plan to end their lives. I would keep an eye on him.

    Ultimately you and your partner need to have your own peaceful life away from this outside drama and toxic influences. Maybe once some of the Covid restrictions have lifted. You and your partner should go away just the two of you for a weekend, and rekindle your love for each other. Turn your phones off. Let your family help with the childcare. Then you and he will come back stronger. Also, your partner needs to be using and saying the same parenting skills as what you both decide to use.

    The daughter needs to get on with her own life. She needs to stop being the centre of the attention of everyone. If supposing God forbear something happens to you and your partner’s health. Your money is less and may not be able to work.

    How will she eat, live? She may need to take over the role to look after you both. In many cultures, the sons and daughters look after their parents and help out with their family.

    She is not eighteen years old yet. So your partner has the legal responsibility to look after her. You can contact children social services (local council) they can take your case on to help her with work interests. they can refer you to varies charities that give support around the family. Your partner and yourself can advise you on parenting techniques, sleep routine, eating, hobbies…

    It is never too late. Don’t give up hope. Good men are hard to come by. It is not his fault. It is not your fault either. You both seem like a lovely couple. I believe in romance. Contact the professionals at your council. That is their job. It is also their responsibility to help you.

    If you need any more help, contact me.

    Thanks, Katherine,

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