Recently Single Mum with 2 young children after 13 year marriage, so scared!!
13 January 2018 at 7:54 pm #6815
After months of convincing me I was losing my mind & it was all in my imagination, just found out my husband was having an affair with a work colleague… she is ‘living’ separated with her husband & 2 children but my husband still walked away from me, our new home (moved in 3 months ago) but most importantly our 2 & 7 year old… saying all the accusations pushed him to it, he no longer loved me & couldnt live with me because I’m crazy, crazy because everything he was saying was lies & I eventually caught him out!!
After just a week, he has already started to demand on him & his family seeing the children, saying this all has to stay amicable for them??? What about allowing the shock to subside or for me to try & take control of the hurt???? So scared of what to do to make sure me & the kids have some security, he said we can stay in the house but can’t trust anything he says????
How am I going to cope with being single with 2 children??13 January 2018 at 8:59 pm #6816
I’m 3 months in to a very similar situation, only my husband refused to leave our home so I have had to start again with nothing. You need to get some legal advice, ASAP. I saw a solicitor who did 30 minutes free, I think there are quite a few who do that. Citizen’s advice are also great to give you some advice.
Have you got anyone around who can step in for the moment? Your parents or siblings or friends? I don’t think I was capable of doing anything the first few weeks, I just lay on the sofa sobbing while my mum took care of everything. At the moment you just need to get through the next hour, and anyone who can help you do that is someone to hold on to.
Be very wary of any contact with your husband, try to go through other people for now until you start to feel stronger. It’s better than trying when you aren’t ready and ending up screaming at him all the time. That’s what I did.
Mine also convinced me I was losing my mind, until I found out too. You have to cling onto the fact that you are better off without him. I never ever thought I could manage without him, but I HAD TO. I had no choice. And actually, it’s difficult to admit it, but I’m so proud of what I’ve done in the last 3 months. I’ve found somewhere for me and my son to live, furnished it, continued working and studying (I even got 94% in an exam 6 weeks after finding out what he’d done). You can do this, you will do this, you don’t think you can but you will have to and you will.
Those kids obviously have a pretty shit father who is unable to put their needs before his own, and I’m sorry to say this but now you have to be twice the parent. Those kids need you. Friends and family are what will get you through. Stay strong and show that piece of crap what an idiot he’s been to throw away the best thing he’ll ever have.13 January 2018 at 9:21 pm #6818
Thank you for replying, have family to support but they live 70 miles away, parents are currently staying with me but have to go home tomorrow so that will be my 1st real time alone with the kids since he left… have cried for England & more!! He saw the children today but was so cold & callous towards me, I forced myself to face him, got ready, make up on although I was dying inside… He seriously acted like I’ve been nothing to him, almost sniggering, I just hope one day he will feel a bit of the pain he has caused me, how can you hate them for what they have done but still love them, you can’t just forget 13 years??? Did he ever love me??? I asked if he had any explanation for me considering he walked out after being caught out & hasn’t said a word to me since apart from asking to see the kids, he said I couldn’t live with you anymore, your crazy!!! No sorry, no remorse at all13 January 2018 at 9:34 pm #6819
“<span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fbfbfb;”> </span><span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(0, 0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #fbfbfb;”>I just hope one day he will feel a bit of the pain he has caused me, how can you hate them for what they have done but still love them, you can’t just forget 13 years??? Did he ever love me??” </span>
Oh God those are all things that constantly go round in my head. It just rips you apart doesn’t it? It’s soul destroying. I think what I can see now is that I loved him with all my heart, and I still do (although it is definitely beginning to fade), but I thought for 12 years he felt the same way and clearly he didn’t. There’s just nothing he could say or do that would make things ok again, so there’s no point in him trying or in you or me torturing ourselves thinking about it.
It’s so difficult because it is so recent for you, I don’t even think I picked my phone up for over a week I just couldn’t face anyone even via the Internet. But you have to try and take the focus away from him, and the way he has behaved, and focus on you and your kids and how you are going to get through this. Use your parents and friends if you can, even if they aren’t there call them, message them, don’t let the horrible thoughts go round and round until they get worse. Let them out.
Its taken me this long to realise, and even then it was only when a friend spelled it out to me, you are not worth anything less because of the way he has treated you. If he had the best woman in the world, but failed to see she was the best woman in the world, it doesn’t make her any less, it only means he failed to see what he had. I hope that makes sense. Don’t allow yourself to think you were not good enough because he did not recognise how great you were.
Now is the time to look after yourself and your kids. You’ve got one less person to worry about.14 January 2018 at 8:22 am #6826
My now ex husband walked out on us Feb last year same reason for a work colleague only I had guessed there was someone else as he was always attached to his phone and acting differently but because he’d had a previous affair Years before that I made myself believe he wouldn’t do it again to this day he still says nothing happened until he left but I don’t believe him as we were together for 15 Years and have 2 children together and he just left. Looking back now I didn’t see how much he treated me like crap and it’s things like my fb memories that point it out even more. It is really hard to start with I constantly cried and probably would have even taken him back again but now no chance he still sends me abuse and he says it’s me that can’t be civil but it isn’t every message from him has a swear word, a name he calls me usually mental,c**t, ***** anything like that then followed with a threat and if he doesn’t get a yes to his demands he’s even worse and court the threat but now I’m at the stage that I say ok if that s what u feel u have to do.
You will get stronger and in time u won’t think twice of being a single mum because you have to do it for them my bond with the kids is even stronger now some days are hard but now we also have fun.
Stay strong,small steps at a time and you will be ok I promise.24 January 2018 at 10:40 pm #7100
All your stories are so similar. I’m struggling quite badly. My husband of 6 years has been sleeping around. I first found out when our son was 3 months old (he’s almost 3 years now). He had a separate Fb account, arranging to meet up with girls, pictures etc. Even profile pics of him which I took on our honey moon. With his wedding ring on I might add. Most recently I found a suspicious message on his phone. He says it’s all in my head. I made him call the number and she answered with a “hey, where are you?”.
He can be so distant and cold with me. Makes me think I really am going crazy. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t want him anymore. But Iv lost me, in all the hurt and tears. Iv lost the person that would never have stood for this. How has he managed to break me. Is there a way out that’s less painful 🙁24 January 2018 at 10:59 pm #7103
Hi, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through & I know you won’t believe anyone when they tell you this but in time things will get easier. My ex husband was a serial cheat & at times made me believe it was all my fault but after almost 10 years of it I finally saw the light & ended things. We have a 6 year old son together & as hard as it has been I do not bad mouth his Dad in front of him & allow him regular contact, I figure that there’s enough screwed up adults out there from their childhoods & will allow my son to figure out what his Dad is like when he’s old enough. As for you focus on you & the kids & maybe some counselling may help to realise how amazing you are & just because he’s treated you crap, that’s a reflection on his personality & not you. You can get through this & most importantly for your kids.
xx25 January 2018 at 1:11 am #7106
I am now almost two years in being a single mum to 3 kids,my now ex husband was cheating on me with a work colleague,17 years younger than me! Of course he made me think I was crazy,it was just pictures nothing else he loved me,but I got his bill and saw the texts and calls,he left telling me I had trust issues,he said he went to stay with a friend and didn’t meet her till 3 months after he left,but I now know he went straight to her,he’s still their now they live with her parents and brother,so what did he gain? Nothing,what did he loose?everything,but he left the one thing he no longer wanted,along with myself he left the responsibility that’s what he didn’t want,he now has no bills,no food,she pays for his car and phone,he told cma that he had lost his job so couldn’t pay maintenance but this week I’ve found out he’s got his own business!just more lies,we divorced last September after a year of me trying and him dragging his heels I’m waiting for him to sign the clean break to be completely free,but when he left I was on my knees, I broke,he came everyday to see kids,we have a son,but he took on my 2 girls as his own,I cried,begged him to come home,he’d tell me he loved me and she meant nothing but he still went,as he’d leave he say look at the state of you,your pathetic,nobody will want you,I went to see her new years eve I laughed,opposite of me,everything he always said he hated in a female, I left feeling good,he also hit me,punched me his favourite was grabbing me by the neck pinning me against the wall feet off the floor,he did it in front of all 3 kids,my son doesn’t want to see him as he hurt mumy, he hasn’t seen him in a year,I just hope it carries on that way,it took me almost a year to see it wanted him back for the kids not me,a year to see how awful he was,controlling,manipulating, now he’s lost control,he’s nasty,I had a lucky escape,he’s her problem now not mine,I’m strong,independent on my own and my kids are doing great,I carried on working so I could pay the bills,you will get there,but it takes time you will eventually see him for what he really is,good luck x25 January 2018 at 9:59 am #7107
So sorry you have all had so much trouble with what really sounds like narcissistic liars and manipulators (no regard for your feelings after they’ve hurt you, gaslighting you, making demands when they should hang their head in shame, etc…). Narcissists are very cunning and they usually prey on women with a sweet disposition and a low self esteem. I have been through the same with an abusive guy, the father of my sweet 1 yo daughter. Reading about the aftermath of a partnership with a total narc helped me understand that I wasn’t going crazy.
My two cents about your story is that you should move away and stop all contact immediately with your “want my cake and eat it too” ex, take out an injunction if necessary and cut out everyone from his family who doesn’t respect you and sympathises with you after the way he treated you. I was so desperate for him to stay and acknowledge me that I used to chase him down the road and let him dictate my whole life. It doesn’t pay.
Please cut him out, I know that you are under shock right now and would do anything to get the man you imagined he was back, but it’s not going to get better with someone who laughs in your face while you’re crying. The man you thought he was is gone.
Blaming you for the nasty stuff they do is what abusers do. Once you have settled elsewhere and are back in control of your life you can discuss contact, maintenance and so forth.
I’ve had to raise my daughter alone, without any support network whatsoever as my family live hundreds of miles away, it can be done. One day you will be thanking your lucky stars that this godawful man is out of your life. Counselling and legal advice are your next step, alongside a quick move.
You are not crazy, you outsmarted the narcissist and he is getting revenge. You are smart and strong beyond your wildest dreams.25 January 2018 at 1:22 pm #7111
I am also feeling extremely down 🙁 I feel lonely, unfilled and just really down.27 January 2018 at 6:30 pm #7176
Wow 9 months wish I had your confidence and outlook on life !27 January 2018 at 11:21 pm #7177
I’m new to this too, my wife and I have been arguing for months about a way forward and I just found out that she’s been seeing somebody for the past month that she met randomly in a pub (not sure how truthful this is considering its in an area 10 miles away). I just don’t know what to feel, I feel a bit angry and lonely but also feel quite stupid mainly as apparently some of our friends know about it. Is this how you work on getting closure, I just feel a bit sick about the whole thing, it feels so final I guess.