Recently single father with 2 years living with me, where do I start 🙉😳
15 June 2020 at 9:25 pm #41061
Just a bit of advise, I have a 2 and half year old who now resides with me 7 days a week, I was very involved in his life as unfortunately his mother was unable to take care of him. Where do I get support on where i start with child benefits, funding for day care and everything
inbetween?I’m fortunate enough that I work and its flexible so I will make it work in the short term but as a male (really sorry if it offends anyone) I really dont feel like I get the support as a female would. Thats why I’ve signed up. Again I’ve apologise of this isnt the case and maybe I’m not looking or going down the right avenues. How did other males deal with the transition where did you start? I’m now at a point where my boy knows he is with me and nursery is now an option and he isnt constantly attached. Hes had a “different” life before being with me full time15 June 2020 at 10:38 pm #41064
Hi there. I’m a single dad myself to two young daughters (and also new to this forum). I thought I’d reply and share what I can.
I’ve been single for a year now and it’s been a really hard transition if I’m honest. My world kind of turned upside down when the girls’ mother left. Thankfully I have a supportive family otherwise I’m not sure how I would have coped. Honestly, it is just something you have to throw yourself into. It is obviously really rewarding and enjoyable but it can of course be very tiring and exhausting at times too. 2 and half is a great age. My daughters are 4 and 2 and watching them develop their own personalities as they get older is great.
Nursery is certainly a good idea for days you are working and need to support. Unfortunately my local nurseries are still shut because of the pandemic but it is something you can start researching now.<span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span>It’s worth doing quite a lot of research on them. It will make for a much happier experience for your son I’m sure.
Regarding financial support there is a lot out there so I recommend you have a look and see what fits you. It sounds like you should be eligible for some form of Universal Credit though. The Gingerbread advice line is actually really good in that regard. I phoned them up when I furst became a single dad a year ago now and they were a big help. If you have any specific questions though I will try and help. Is his mother able to contribute anything or pay child support? I am lucky in that regard as the girls’ mother is able to contribute each month that makes a big difference.
Do let me know if you have any other questions. I know it can be really overwhelming at first, especially when it happens to suddenly.<span style=”mso-spacerun: yes;”> </span>15 June 2020 at 11:16 pm #41066
Thank you for the reply. The mother has other priorities with her money and to be fair I wouldnt expect or want anything. Yes I believe theres funding or benefits I should be entitled to but with this pandemic its hard to make contact and be 2 hours waiting in a call queue, theres no office I can just pop into and speak. I’ve already found a nursery as done the research who would fit with my boys needs and spaces available even now. One problem I have is I’ve been left with nothing, I walked out of a police station a number of weeks ago, with nothing more than myself, my boy, 1 pair of pyjamas, a dummy and blanket. Theres been a few welfare checks and they are happy he is safe and secure. We seem to be at the bottom of a long list which maybe is fair, as he is safe and secure and with his dad now. I still have yet to have his birth certificate apart from a photo of it, to show he is mine though. When I am making enquiries it’s like I hit a brick wall as I’m a man with nothing to backup that I’m entitled to it. I have jumped in head first because there was no other option and I wouldnt let there of been another option. I’m assuming the the support is free through this site. I will ring tomorrow for sure.
A slight rant and maybe nothing to answer from the above..😕
How do you start from scratch in a new environment with a little person to mould and take care of though? I think the family support is going to be crucial, however, my son is only just building the relationship with family support.
You snd like you’ve managed though? I think the emotional side is harder now than the physical capabilities currently. More so for his perspective. Have your girls asked about their mum? Do they have a relationship at all with her? Im already dreading the day his mother may resurface but it wont be for a year or so, how do you plan to deal with that?
Thanks for the response though15 June 2020 at 11:31 pm #41067
Hi, no problem. Yes the girls do have a relationship with their mum although she lives abroad now (It’s complicated as she is from the US and has moved back there for work). She normally Skypes with them about 3-4 times a week. Obviously they ask regularly about seeing her. She was actually due to visit last month but of course the pandemic has put that on hold for now. It’s been really tough on them. My main worry is they will grow up resenting either her or both of us for what has happened, which I’m trying really hard to avoid. It’s a tough one and I don’t know if I’m succeeding but I’m trying.
I maybe wrong but it sounds like before this you didn’t live with your son? I’m sorry if I’m incorrect on that. I already lived with my daughters since they were born so in that sense I tried to carry on as normal. I won’t lie, it’s been exhausting and some days are very rough. A normal day for me is wake up at 6am and then I probably don’t get any down time until the oldest is in bed at around 7:30pm. I’m either at work or looking after the girls.
You’re right in saying that support from your family will be huge if they can give it. I’m lucky because my older sister has been great through all of this and my parents live fairly close to me too. Overall, I’d say I’ve managed but I’ve had a lot of ups and downs and learning things through trial and error. Having the girls mum leave with extremely hard on me too and honestly I’m still not totally over that. I have good days and bad days really.
Do ask again if you have any other thoughts or questions! I’m happy to try and help.
“<span style=”background-color: #fbfbfb;”><span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif;”>theres no office I can just pop into and speak” – </span></span>Just to say in my experience you can never just pop into places like that! They inevitably involved waiting around for hours at a time anyway, so being on the phone is preferable in a way!16 June 2020 at 11:19 am #41094
Hi Guys. Hats off to you both for stepping up to the mark. I know how hard it is as I’ve been doing it a long time. I just wanted to say it does get a lot easier over time. What now feels like such a strange situation becomes your ‘norm’. I have had my son since he was a few months old when his mum said I was to pick him up or she was going to “throw him out the window”! We have most definitely had our ups and downs but we’ve learned a lot from each other. He is now 16 years old and just finished school with all the grades he needed to start studying Business & Accountancy at college. He has become a lovely young man and seems to know what he wants in life and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
Keep it up guys, all they need is all the love you can give them.16 June 2020 at 11:51 am #41097
Thanks a lot Marv. It sounds like you’ve done a great job with your son, you must be really proud of him. I really hope I can say the same about my daughters when they are that age too. I certainly know I will work as hard as I can to hopefully achieve it.17 June 2020 at 11:10 pm #41231
Hi Guys, you all sound like your are doing an amazing job. It’s great to see you putting your children as priority.
My daughters father walked out on us when my daughter was recovering from open heart surgery last year when she was 6 months old, he doesn’t show interest in her or her on going health issues, turned down the training for the medical equipment, i find it all really hard to get my head around, but we are getting on fine, my daughter is thriving, her development is behind as she spent most of the first year of her life in and out of hospital but I have every faith that she will get there and will guide her the best I can.
It really is great to hear that there are nice fathers out there that put there children first …. well done guys you should be proud of yourself.18 June 2020 at 11:19 am #41236
Hi Twinkle Toes. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter, that sounds awful and it must have been very scary too. I’m glad to hear she’s doing better now and recovering.
Thanks for the support, it is very much appreciated!18 June 2020 at 8:54 pm #41254
I am new to all of this and have been going through a tough time with my partner for the past 8 months but I finally think it’s come to rock bottom. I don’t want it to be over but can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel no more. I have got a son who is turning 2 in a few weeks, I work full time and do early and late shifts so when I do manage to pull myself out of the gutter and get myself a secure property I don’t know how I will be able to have my son regular enough for me not to go insane. This is really a cry for help I guess and someone just to tell me where I can start with everything. I don’t have no family and I am not someone who will talk to my friends about this as I don’t want people knowing and I am normally known as the one who doesn’t suffer with emotion or a bit of a joker (they do say depression is the silent killer.. I can see why now)
i am concerned that how will I even be able to afford to live and still pay child benifits.