Recently Single Father dealing with guilt…
12 February 2021 at 3:57 am #49400
This is my 1st post and would like some advice maybe some feedback. Me and my wife separated near the start of lockdown last year in may. I moved out the following month into a small 2 bedroom flat and let her stay in the house with main custody of our son (age 9).
Our marriage hasn’t been a fairytale and there has been trust issues on both parts and infidelity on her part. I thought I had forgiven her for the break of trust but unfortunately I haven’t been able too and I have brought it up a few times in arguments which I know she doesn’t deserve. Over the past 5/6 years I have had issues having male friends due to one part of an affair being with my best friend. Not so wisely I then started to befriend female friends only. In all honesty I never once thought of having an affair nor was I unfaithful and I saw each relationship as purely platonic.
My wife was always worried and jealous of any of female friends and if I am honest to myself and you I enjoyed that as it made me feel wanted by her. I understood this wasn’t very healthy and over the years has caused many issues. I have never tried to deny that her jealously made me feel happy. And I try to be an honest person when it comes to feelings and motives. I met a woman at work that trained in the same gym as me and we would always be chatting and having a laugh. She had a child the same age as my son and we would go on play dates. I believed that this would be another platonic friendship and she soon became a friend of the family and friends with my wife. I found that later down the line I began to have feelings towards her and we had a lot in common. I stress at this point nothing physical nor emotional has happened. I’m not sure what her feelings are towards me and have never asked. It was when lockdown was announced I realised that having to be at home with me wife and not have any outside contact I soon realised I wasn’t happen.
We didn’t have much in common nor did we laugh together. What we did have was an amazing son who we both cared for so much. But to me that wasn’t enough for me to want to stay. After feeling a connection to someone I want to feel that with someone I love and care about. I care about my wife deeply and was honest and I haven’t lead her along. She took the breakup very hard and is now suffering from low mood and depression at times (which she has sought medical help for).
Now you have some background information I am in a situation where I am feeling such immense guilt. Guilt for leaving her and making her feel unwanted. She is an amazing mum and such a great friend but I don’t feel attracted nor close to her anymore. I feel guilty I left my son (he stays with me 2/3 nights every week but it’s not the same). I feel like I’ve let him down by hurting his mum. I know it’s very selfish worrying about how I feel when she is so unhappy but I have been speaking to a counsellor for a few months now but still don’t feel any better. I’m asking if anyone could share some coping strategies and maybe some advice?
thank you for taking the time to read
MissingLondon.12 February 2021 at 10:55 am #49406
That made a bit of a depressing read.
It’s a little confusing when people write that they care about and feel bad for the spouse they have left.It’s a lot clearer and easier to understand when a couple hate each other.Amicable divorces are not mature or modern, in essence I suspect they’re just people who can’t be bothered taking the trouble to get their act together and make something good into something great.Have to hand it to you tho-you sound like a kind and honest person and the fact that you feel bad for your son and his mum is very touching and sweet.A good marriage isn’t all about compatibility or fairy tales.And when a person recognizes that, it doesn’t mean they have to pack their bags and run for the door!
You didn’t give complete details and I do not have a right to judge you but ‘platonic’ is a shady area and we all know it.Nobody knows what the future holds and only you know which direction you want to take but as a single mother I can tell you your decency and any kindness and appreciation you can show towards her will go a very long way towards keeping a good relationship and will benefit your son very much.12 February 2021 at 11:07 am #49407
there is still hope. what if both of you tried marriage counselling?12 February 2021 at 8:04 pm #49421
Hi just wanted to write from the other side , I still my little boys dad i don’t believe I will ever get over him however I wouldn’t want to try as I know he doesn’t want me. We get on now and can talk honestly to one another but for a relationship to work that’s not enough <in my eyes anyway>12 February 2021 at 11:29 pm #49427
I wouldn’t beat yourself up so much, she cheated first and the trust is gone, it’s hard to come back from that. Just be supportive and amicable now so that everyone benefits. The past is the past- make the future better. 🙂13 February 2021 at 12:51 am #49429
Reply to Gummibear123,
Thank you for replying. Completely agree platonic is always a gray area but I know myself that I had no feeling or intention of being unfaithful. But that doesn’t excuse the fact I made her feel jealous and unwanted. Would you stay in a marriage if you didn’t feel attracted or connected to your wife? I understand you say being in a marriage isn’t supposed to be about comparability but that is massively important I think. I’m 34 and been married for 12 years before we separated. It wasn’t a ditch effort at the 1st hurdle. But you’re right, maybe some of the guilt is due to not trying one last time.
thanks again.13 February 2021 at 12:53 am #49430
Reply to HRCC88,
I understand the past is the past, I think I’m okay with it. It’s the now that I’m struggling with. I just feel like a really crappy person, and I can deal with most things but self hate is something new to me and it’s honestly making things a nightmare.
thanks again for reply. Will continue to try keep all this amicable.