Recently Seperated, In Need Of Advice
11 February 2018 at 7:17 am #7560
Hi Gingerbread Community,
Im hoping for some advice and pointers for those on here who may have experience what I am about to.
I have been with my partner for 8yrs and we have a 2yr old. We’re not married, and the house and all bills are in my name. My daughter also has his surname.
I recently found out he’d been unfaithful and the other woman I pregnant and having his baby. I want to understand my rights moving forward both financially and personally and I’m not quite sure where to start.
He’s a perpetual liar so I don’t want to trust that he’ll keep contributing to rent/bills/childcare costs, but I don’t know my legal rights or where to start with becoming fully independent.
Despite his misgivings, he has a very good family around him who can always help in his absence.
Thanks in advance for your help.
Jenny11 February 2018 at 7:42 am #7561
Hi my ex had an affair too almost a year ago now this part of sorting yourself out financially is horrible and how much help you can get depends on how much you earn really I’m classed as a low earner so I was able to claim tax credits to help support us and with the maintenance from your ex I would set up a claim through the cms (child maintenance service) if you can’t trust that he will help you as where you are renting he isn’t obliged to support you with paying that same as bills only debts if you have any together and maintenance for children. My ex set the amount for maintenance then kept threatening not to pay it so that’s why I had to use it.11 February 2018 at 8:00 am #7562
Thanks for your response, I appreciate it, and I’m sorry to hear you have also recently been through the same sitiuation.
I will take a look at my support options today, as it is exactly as you say in that I can’t trust him to do/pay as he promises. I think that’s the main issue facing me right now, but if there are any further considerations you think I need to address or general advice I would be all ears!
Jenny11 February 2018 at 8:52 am #7566
Thank you i feel much stronger now it was his second affair so wasnt prepared to put up with it again so of course it’s hard being on your own but now im glad he left. The financial side is a big worry I was scared of sorting that out and to start with felt ashamed that I was having to go on benefits I cried but the realisation is if you do have to claim some support through benefits you haven’t asked to be put in this situation and also it’s better than the other option which is to be homeless with no money. I see it that when my children are older and don’t rely on me as much I can then start working more hours and come off the benefits but until then used correctly that’s what there there for.
My children are older than your daughter so contact was obviously arranged with there input so you need to think what is suitable for your daughter she’s very young and you just need to think of her is your ex still there for her?and seeing her?11 February 2018 at 9:45 am #7570
I used cms because he paid 2 payments at the amount he said he would pay when he left then I got excuses and threats and couldn’t live like that when I had a house bills and 2 children too support he moved back in with his parents so is hardly paying out anything atm but still couldn’t pay without fuss every month. When I used cms I paid £20 to set it up and also found out that he had been lying about his income and he has to pay more than the amount he offered the deduction when he has another child I feel is going to happen even if not using cms atleast you know you will always get it through them. I wouldn’t say it causes animosity as 9 times out of 10 is doesn’t end amicably in a relationship that ends with cheating it can’t.11 February 2018 at 10:30 am #7573
Thanks everyone, it’s good to hear the various experiences and options.
If I didn’t go through a government route, does anyone know whether there is a legally binding agreement I could have drawn up to ensure he maintains what he’s already paying? His family are close by and help out with childcare so I think it’ll remain relatively amicable, I just wonder if at some point he’ll just disappear!11 February 2018 at 11:34 am #7577
You can go to mediation but it’s costly if you can’t get legal aid I went last week to draw up a contact agreement and to discuss matters regarding our children they draw up a written document for you or I suppose u can use a solicitor.
Without sounding really negative and objective to your above comment just be careful where his family are concerned. When my ex first walked out I used to have his parents around every Wed night for dinner as it was something we had always done and kids loved it then the deeper the arguments and problems got with my ex they got involved and stopped coming and now they barely talk to me side with everything there son says even if deep down they know its not in the kids best interest and use the kids by saying awful things so it gets back to me I can’t use them for childcare as they were took my kids jumper that ok they brought as a birthday present but not the point would u go in someone house and go through there belongings and take without asking or even telling the person as I wouldn’t so now I have to pay for school club to be able to work the shift they used to help on so although everything fine atm just try not to rely on them and have another option in place should the need arise sorry for negativity.11 February 2018 at 6:17 pm #7588
Coincidentally today his mum started getting annoyed with me and defending her son, as you’d expect, which makes me feel like maybe they won’t have my back, despite maybe having an interest in our daughters!!
My plan is this….draw up a Parenting Plan as advised on one of these governments sites, addressing access, financial contributions, and what would happen if I moved out of the house. Apparently you then have a solicitor sign off and it’s legally binding (in so far as you are in contact with them, my fear is that he’ll disappear but I guess that’s the point when I jump on the benefits as a minimum!). If he breaks the terms I can take him to court.
My only concern here is that the (girl) he had the affair with is pregnant with his child. She apparently wants nothing to do with him but will no doubt be claiming CSA payments, so I’m hoping getting this all done now will ensure we get first dibs and she gets what she can from what’s left?
In the meantime I will change the locks, draw up a will, and ensure my life insurance has his name taken off….oh, and notify the council so I get a reduction on my Council Tax! I also need to look at getting her surname changed…anything else?
This place is great and I appreciate people’s honesty in how shit this situation is!
Jenny11 February 2018 at 6:35 pm #7589
Cms don’t take as much as people make out for other children my ex hasn’t got anymore yet but I’m not expecting it to be to far off but when I put it in the calculator I would loose about £40 then obviously they review it yearly so you know u will always get what you are entitled to and it will be paid because if he doesn’t pay they can do the other option of taking straight out of his wages. I just did not trust him as through 15 years of experience he is awful with money we struggled all the time when together and it wasn’t until I got the first bank statement through after he left that I realised just how selfish he really was every month. Getting your daughters surname changed requires his permission as he has parental responsibility I asked my ex to agree to double barrell our boys names as he doesn’t want me to have my married name and makes fun of me and hurtful digs and says atleast our boys will always be and then says married name but I don’t want to have a different surname from my children so for now I have just kept my married name but I am going to seek advice on this. I got a trustee on my life insurance so if anything were to happen to me I know the boys will be fine and money not wasted.11 February 2018 at 7:50 pm #7592
That’s good to know….I don’t plan on claiming anything formally via the CMS for our daughter as it would work out less than he currently pays (and has promised to keep on paying). But I have stipulated in the agreement that his payments to me need to be considered/taken before any additional payments he may be liable for for future children (of which there is one on the way!). We’ll see what the solicitor says…..11 February 2018 at 8:01 pm #7594
Yes definitely hopefully he will keep to his word and all goes to plan11 February 2018 at 8:01 pm #7595
Thanks for talking it through with me, H – take care11 February 2018 at 8:03 pm #7596
Anytime you too goodluck with it all