Recently Separated Dad – North Kent
14 December 2020 at 10:52 am #46894
I’m recently separated, and finding things very tough going. After being in a long-term relationship, life post-separation is far tougher than I ever imagined it could be. I’m not enjoying being on the emotional rollercoaster, one day feeling optimistic about the future, the next feeling like my world has fallen apart.
Like many on here, my life was devoted to my family and now having separated the loneliness is crushing – not helped by this time of year where everything is a constant reminder of what’s going to be lost. I have a son who is 6, he keeps me going through the hard times. I’ve always been a hands-on Dad, and not a day goes by where I don’t appreciated the joy of being a parent. But behind the brave face is a person struggling to come to terms with the breakup of a marriage and fearing a lonely future. I’m in my mid-30’s, and while I appreciate there’s plenty of time to heal and rebuild for the next chapter in life, feeling so alone makes the task that much more daunting. If anyone is in a similar situation and can offer some advice, or even just wants a chat with someone going through the same process I’d be more than appreciative.
Thank you to everyone who comments on this forum with their stories and input, I’ve been reading for a while and its been a great help. Best wishes for the future to all.14 December 2020 at 8:22 pm #46913
You are not alone. Myself and my partner of 15 years have just separated and I’m finding it incredibly difficult. He lost interest in me last year when I fell pregnant and have recently found out that he cheated on me. I am on the same horrible roller coater as you. I also find it frustrating that friends who are only trying their best say things like you seem much better today and then seem surprised when it is followed by a down day.
I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again. All I wanted was for my marriage to work and I feel like my whole world has come crashing down around me. Then to make matters worse I feel that my husband will skip off in to the sunset with this new woman leaving me and our life behind.
I also feel the same about this time of year, it seems all I see are gappy families and it just reinforces what I no longer have.
I hope you have good support around you.14 December 2020 at 9:50 pm #46916
Yes you are definitely not alone. After 22 years and just 6 years marriage my husband decided he didn’t want this life with me anymore. Leaving me completely heartbroken and looking after the kids. He has his own place which he seams quite happy in and has kids overnight twice a month. My life has been turned upside down and some days I’m ok and some days I’m just an emotional wreck trying to hold on to some hope that he will see what he has done and walked away from..but as each day,week, month goes by I just feel that hes moving further away from me. How do I let go and move forward 🙁15 December 2020 at 12:06 am #46920
Suzanna, I feel for you too. Its so awful isn’t it. I just can’t understand it. I feel the same about my husband hoping he will change his mind but the more I think about what he has done, walking out on me and our baby the more I think he doesn’t deserve us. However I know the thought of bring unhappy/lonely in the future is so scary. Although if he did come back I would never feel completely secure or feel I could trust him again. For my future self I want to try and find someone who can bring that to my life. I am very up and down with it all though! It is just do hard xx15 December 2020 at 7:38 am #46923
Thank you for your replies. The point about the ex seeming to get further away as time goes on is something I can relate to. I had hoped that time would be a healer but its turning out to be the total opposite. I think when you are the person who wants to keep the relationship you’re having to not only come to terms with the fact it’s over, but your grieving/healing process is made that much more painful by the constant clinging onto hope that comes to nothing which sends you 5 steps backwards. It’s a horrible cycle. Robyn, I feel in exactly the same space at the moment, I can’t see happiness for a long time to come. I have friends and family who are supportive, trying to steer my thoughts in a positive direction, which works for a few days but ultimately I keep coming back to this place of sadness and sense of loss. The worst part for me is those few seconds after waking up in the morning where the reality hits, and that wave of sadness starts again for another day.15 December 2020 at 7:01 pm #46935
I have recently made the very hard decision to separate from my partner of 20+years. Luckily my 2 children are both grown up and are supportive of my decision. Looking back i hadn’t been happy for years, but, rightly or wrongly, i stuck at it for the sake of my kids.
I have tried to talk with her this year but within a couple of weeks we are back to normal, which was basically just me sitting on my own while she’s upstairs on her phone or watching tv. Any effort seemed to be only one way, she had her life, i had mine but a massive void in the middle, which became even bigger once the kids grew up.
I recently found out about her hiding small debts as well and felt very guilty that i made enquires to find out what was going on as she refused to admit anything. Things just didn’t add up. The recent debt only a few hundred pound but she refused to admit it, then i found out through an online credit check about a couple of others and a loan a few years back(only she knows where the money went as she never bought anything for our house).
We had family holidays every year, a nice enough house both work etc. she never paid for anything apart from groceries.
So when i finally made the decision i felt guilty, for ending it, for digging to find out what was happening, and even more so because the house is only in my name and after seeking advice knowing she isn’t entitled to anything.
I was angry, hurt, confused, scared and felt betrayed. BUT i decided if she wouldn’t own up to it after ‘one last chat’ it was over.
The hardest thing going forward is the grown up kids, as one is staying with me and the other isn’t sure, so i feel bad for breaking up the family.
I have a life as well and after a lot of reflection i am simply just not happy and haven’t been for a long time and the more i think about it, the more i realise.
Even though she isn’t entitled to anything i have offered her a decent sum so she can start out again on her own and will remortgage to cover this.
Sorry for the long post but after discovering this forum, i needed to let it all out.
Stay positive and look to the future, be brave everyone we are only here once in the lifetime.16 December 2020 at 10:47 pm #47004
Dazednconfused, your post made for interesting reading. I really wanted to make it work with my wife, listened to her issues with me over the years and tried to be the person she wanted me to be. Despite this, I rarely felt as if she was prepared to make efforts herself to address my needs from the relationship, and for the sake of our son I was prepared to stick at it, even though deep down I felt I deserved more. It would be wrong of me to blame her completely for the breakdown of our marriage, I made many mistakes and I can’t expect someone to fight for something they no longer believe in. However, during the period when she knew I was trying to fix our relationship, the lack of interest, the constant attention to the phone, the unwillingness to recognise any positives wears you down after a while. To the outside world we had the perfect life, like you, we had great holidays, experiences and financially secure, but we were basically 2 people living for our child. Perhaps this is true for a lot of couples, but I loved my wife, despite all the faults and frustrations and was waiting for the day we would rebuild our bond. Now, many arguments later, we are essentially strangers. Had it not been for our son I would have called time on the relationship a long time ago, but she’s beat me to it.
I think in time I’ll come to realise this is the right decision, but my mind is wracked with thoughts of what could have been, would could be and guilt that it’s got to this point. In the midst of all this sadness I don’t know if this is a blessing in disguise, or if some kind of reconciliation would just be delaying the inevitable. With the benefit of hindsight, would you have been happier splitting earlier, or was staying for your kids worth it in the long run?18 December 2020 at 7:07 pm #47077
Totally relate to what you are going through, I’m in the same cycle if hope for what maybe could be and despair with what has happened/ unable to trust the person again. Separated for several years , neither in a marriage nor divorced. This time of year it’s very hard and I have felt very isolated this year with all the lockdowns. Just me and my 3 yr old….trying to come to terms with everything.18 December 2020 at 8:42 pm #47079
I am a single mum to a 3 yr old and i suffee with depression and anxiety and people are always saying i have no reason to feel lonely but i do. Some days i cope really well and feel like im the best parent i can be and other daysi just feel like a complete and utter failure. I have no close friends so no one to confide in so im like a closed book and have to keep everything in to carry on going for my daughter but its so draining