Recently separated and feeling lost
10 January 2019 at 2:13 pm #19534
Hi, I’m new on here. My husband of 12 years (16 years together) walked out on me and our 6 year old daughter just over a month ago. Our marriage had seen rocky times before but this really seems like the end. There was no violence or loud fights just different perspectives on marriage and cultural differences. Overall, we had a good marriage but the problems always hit us when his family was around. I never really felt that I fit in. We are from different countries. His family was always a priority over me and our daughter. I wasn’t the kind of wife he could have had if he had married someone from his country… sit at home to cook, clean and just let him be free. In September his parents came for a long visit and stayed with hubby’s siblings. From that time we hardly saw him, sometimes didn’t come home for days. Finally, I told him that if he didn’t want to be here he could go. So he did. After 2-3 weeks he took some of his stuff and went to live with his family. In that last 2-3 weeks he paid a lot more attention to our daughter, he actually played with her in the evenings instead of just sitting on his phone. Since he left, he calls my daughter every night and had her every Saturday and random days over Christmas and new year. Of course it’s a good thing but it doesn’t help me heal. I’m totally broken. I hoped he’d consider coming back but he doesn’t want to. He just doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t blame him for everything. We should have taken better care of our marriage. After my daughter was born we just focused on her. Hardly had conversations, no time for us, haven’t slept in the same bed for a very long time. We grew apart and that’s my fault too, I should have been a better wife and maybe more understanding about his family. I knew what I would do differently now but he won’t give us another chance, he refused marriage counselling too. I’m devastated. I miss him very much, I feel hurt, rejected, unloved and lonely. I have no family in this country, only 3-4 friends from my daughter’s school. I work 2 days in a primary school which has been a struggle because I have absolutely no motivation. I cry every single day and I can’t seem to be able to move on. I’m still staying in the flat we own, he’s still got stuff here, supports us financially until I sort myself out. But I don’t know how to sort myself out. I can’t think straight and can’t come to terms with it. I love him, I want him back but I hate him for just leaving us like this. I also hate him, for having the life he wanted… living with his family, food and clean clothes for him, not having to report to his wife about his whereabouts and actions but still having a close relationship with his daughter. All this while I’m all by myself, struggling physically and mentally. Dr gave me meds and going to counselling next week. Other than that, I have no idea what to do. I’m lost. Sorry for the lengthy post, thank you for reading it, any advice would be appreciated.11 January 2019 at 2:07 am #19556
I can totally emphasise with how you are feeling. Give yourself a break it’s only been a month. It is going to take time to heal. It’s great that you have seen your doctors and will be having counselling.
Keep taking those small steps and give yourself time, it will get better.
M11 January 2019 at 10:23 pm #19600
Thank you for your reply Misha. I had an awful day suffering from anxiety, I nearly walked out of work, just broke down. But I had a long chat with a good friend tonight, I let my tears out and feel much better. I can’t seem to come to terms with the situation and I’m trying to think of how to save this marriage and fight for it. I sound pathetic I know but can’t imagine life like this.
Hope you are well xx