Recently broke up and finding it hard😔

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  • #51219 Report

    Lisa83
    Participant

    Hi all I’m need to all of this but I really need some help and I’m not sure in what way.I’ve recently split up with my partner of 5 years we have a 2year old daughter together and I have 2 boys 17 and 7 from a previous relationship.things haven’t been right for a while and lockdown hasn’t helped.I’ve wanted to leave for a while and finally had the guts to go and take the kids to my mums with me,but I’m sad I miss him I miss my home even thou technically it was his house.I can’t stop crying and thinking about the good times we had before it went bad,and it did go bad.he couldn’t except my boys even thou he new I had them in the beginning.he’d talk terrible about my eldest son saying he’s lazy no personality never amount to anything caused him trouble between college friends doesn’t include him in anything,he’s just a typical teenager but they hate each other.my son hates the way I was treated and how I was spoke down to.my ex is a big drinker and wouldn’t no when to stop and it turned him horrible with things he used to say.he isn’t good with our 2 year old ignores her. she broke the tele(she’s 2 it was an accident)and he gave her the silent treatment every time she called out dad and she cried because he wouldn’t answer .I told him about it and his reaction was to throw the kitchen chair across the room.he drinks at a friends house on a Friday and sometimes doesn’t come back til the Sunday.he says I’m boring because I don’t drink with him but I don’t like him drunk and someone has to be their for our girl cuz he certainly isn’t.he talks bad about people all the time he’s got a chip on his shoulder but why do I miss him??I cry thinking about him.I let him see our girl but in the day so I no he hasn’t drank because of picking her up and dropping her back.but he’s acting like we were nothing and he texts me like we had nothing and I’m a friend saying he’s relieved this has happened.I can honestly say I tried my best and it hurts when he says these things.how do I get over this??I wait to her from him everyday yet I don’t want him back.I’m so confused.sorry for the long post.xx

    #51223 Report

    kathmaria143
    Participant

    To Lisa83,

    I am sorry for your pain. It sounds like my marriage. It is very new that you left your partner. You should feel proud of yourself that you were brave enough to end this toxic relationship. Your partner needs professional help. None of this is your fault. He makes the decision to drink alcohol. Not yours. the problem with alcohol and drugs. In the beginning, people are in control of their drug usage. Eventually, the body becomes dependent either physically or psychological on the drug. the drug takes over the control of that person. One of the side effects of drinking alcohol is the next day the person does not always remember what they said or did. My husband used to wake up at 2 am as he could not sleep. Then when he woke up. he has a headache. I say a hangover. He then needs to drink in the morning to get rid of his headache. I said you should just take a pain killer.

    The emotions you may be feeling is a combination of sentiment memories of the past, the golden times. Your decision to leave your partner is nothing personal to him. He made the wrong decision by drinking. if he is serious about seeing his children in the future. He needs to consider stopping drinking and get professional help to go into recovery, to rehabilitate from his addiction.

    Another emotion is that of fear. How are you going to cope with your children. You will succeed. You have done the right thing. The children pick up the negative behaviour and the names he called you and your children. It damages the children subconsciously. If you had carried on you would just be lying to yourself. I admire you a lot. I’m proud of you.

    Try to apply for universal credit and all the relevant benefits which you are entitled to. To help you. You can contact your council if you are fleeing domestic violence. Usually, they will rehouse you in a nearby council/borough.

    Whatever life your children have with you. It will be a hundred times better without your partner. Now you and your children are safe away from him. Be strong!

    If you need any help, please message me,

    Thanks, Katherine,

     

    #51224 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    It’s really hard and a lot of people on here will know the feeling you are talking about bc so many people have been through this kind of stuff.Sometimes the familiar even though it may be unhealthy is easier-just bc we are used to it.In the long run it’s better to get away though .Thinking about the good times makes us cry bc its a huge loss,but it’s better to keep it in perspective…sometimes the bad times outweigh the good times.

    You’ve mentioned he was a big drinker,could turn violent,disappeared over the weekend,was unkind to his own child,couldn’t get along with your son at all,called you boring for not drinking….well yes,try to keep it in perspective.Be kind to yourself ,you deserve it you’ve been through such a rough time.

    #51235 Report

    Lisa83
    Participant

    to kathmaria and gummiebear123

    thank you for your reply’s it does really mean a lot.I’m just so sad and can’t get over that feeling even thou if he asked us to go back tomorrow I wouldn’t.I think I’m also worried about money.I used to claim tax credits when I was on my own with just the 2 boys 4 years ago.when I eventually moved in with my now ex I went up to the job centre and explained I wouldn’t need no more help because I’ve moved,they explained that we should put in for a joint claim because we might be losing out on money maybe,so we did that and never heard back but  the payments kept going in my bank after numerous phone calls and visits to the job centre and them actually saying there’s nothing at all wrong with what money your getting, I eventually never renewed any tax credits just so the money would stop going in.I’ve managed not to spend all of the money that went in but my ex new there was money there and would ask if he could borrow some and the xmas’s and birthdays for the children the money started to go down.and so I no that I owe them money back even thou I tried so hard to tell them i wasn’t untitled to this money.now I’m scared to death to apply for it again.and will I be able to afford to live and look after my children of they want money back.I’m so sorry to moan.my ex did nothing but text me last night saying he’s gutted because  he hasn’t stopped loving me but it’s for the best and I’ll be better off and that’s he’s relieved and that’s hurt me because I only ever tried to give him a home and a family and I feel like we’ve all come second to drink.I new deep down he wanted to be single again and even thou I don’t want him it hurts to think he’ll meet someone else.I just need all my feelings to disappear.I hope your both ok too.big hugs xxxx

    #51272 Report

    Singlemumoftwogirls
    Participant

    Hi Lisa83,

    I know exactly what you are going through, I had same thoughts and feelings re my ex. It’s horrible, your head knows it’s the right thing to end it but your heart cries out for them. Feel free to PM me and we can arrange to chat if you would like. Sometimes, it’s good to talk xx

    #51276 Report

    Metalmonk70
    Participant

    As a father, I have had the opposite problem…my daughter’s mother just won’t quit doing the bad things, the negative words, the outright disregard……keeping our children safe & happy is all that really matters….if something isn’t right, and you know it, don’t try to fix it…no matter how difficult things get, tell your children that you love them….end every disagreement with an, “I love you”

    And, tell your children at least once a day, “Thank you for being my daughter/ son”

    None of us deserve the neglectful & abusive behavior of our ex partners…

    Does any of this make the emotional part of a separation easier? But it does help our children …

    #51303 Report

    Lisa83
    Participant

    Hi

    thank u for your reply.I’m finding this so hard to be going thru.I’m sorry to hear that your going thru similar.it’s just awful,I’m trying so hard for my children not to get upset but I’m just so miserable that I’m taking them on this rough ride.he’s never been physically violent to us but he’d lose his temper and throw things ignore us not come home at weekends.I just feel not wanted by him and it hurts me he said he’s relieved that we’ve gone.we’ve just come 2nd to his drinking and him wanting a single life.but I adore my kids and will do everything I can.are u and your daughter ok?does she live with u or are u all still in the same house?

    #51305 Report

    Lisa83
    Participant

    Hi singlemumoftwogirls

    i hope your ok I just awful isn’t it.I don’t no why I care so much when things got so bad.this feeling is dragging me down.I can only think about the good times we had and then I get angry at myself.it’d be lovely to chat thank you.I’ll add u as a friend now.😌xxx

    #51309 Report

    Singlemumoftwogirls
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    Look forward to chatting to you. Have accepted your friend request. Feel free to PM me and we can work out a way to talk.

    Dont worry, you not alone in this

    Xxx

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