Recently became a single parent head is hurting

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  • #47125 Report

    MrBlueSky
    Participant

    Hi

     

    I am looking for some advice from people more experienced than me at this single parenting I have three boys 11 8 and 7.

    11 Weeks ago Tuesday my wife passed away suddenly that in its self is a whole different story I have always been an active Dad not one of these ones that live in the pub I worked and came home to spend time with my wife and my children but she was there primary caregiver she made it all look so easy almost effortless I of course know now that nothing about this is effortless.

     

    I am surviving as a single parent although I am very worn out my youngest is autistic and takes up a lot of my energy and the repetitive life style is becoming a bit monotonous. I had to sign up to Universal Credit as I lost my job at the beginning of this year they gave me a 6 months easement due to my circumstances but they called me the weekend and asked what support I need to go back to work.

    I am really struggling with the concept of work and being a single parent it feels like already now I never stop I am a lot slower than most at these tasks because my wife never let me do them she enjoyed her place in the house and would be offended if I tried to assist I tried explaining my situation to the adviser that my youngest will not just go with anyone for child care the 6 weeks holidays illness etc I just don’t see how I fit a working schedule around this he suggested I was putting barriers in the way I told him a few choice words and the call ended.

    I am trying to grieve be a parent be a housekeeper all these other roles I am learning to do and now I am loosing it thinking about how do I make work work for us

    If I am missing something please let me know how do you all work as single parents

    #47129 Report

    Sunflower20
    Participant

    Hi MrBlueSky. My husband passed away in February this year. There are lots of support groups out there. WAY was recommended to me for widows under 50.

    I go through waves of emotions. My daughter keeps me going.  There often is just not enough hours in the week to get everything done.

    Some people say they are a single parent when actually it’s shared parenting.  We are the unfortunate to be ones who are real single parents as we have to everything and there is no break in the day.

    My husband insisted on doing all the jobs around the house, sort policies etc…. I’ve got the car insurance due this month and it’s just another job to a never ending list as I need to find all the info to put in.

    I try to not worry about the future and deal with what happens here and now. I didn’t have the brain space to think too far ahead.

    I do think things get a bit easier.

    Hope you find support here or with family and friends. I’m lucky as have an amazing support network around me should I need it. Here if you need to chat.

    #47150 Report

    Gingerbread Dan
    Moderator

    Thank you for posting on our forum.

    There is an organisation called Widowed and Young for men and women under 50 who have been widowed. It is run by a network of volunteers who offer a range of services. The website is https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

    Also Cruse Bereavement Care offer support for people who have lost a loved one. You can contact them via phone or a live online chat. The website is https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/helpline

    It shouldn’t be too long before other members respond to your thread.

    Best wishes

    Gingerbread Dan

    #47172 Report

    MrBlueSky
    Participant

    Hi Sunflower

     

    I am sorry to hear your in the same position as me I am on some bereavement forums but am trying to branch out a little as sometimes I feel worse reading of others pain it kind of keeps mine fresh,

    I have heard of Way and want to check it out it’s on my overgrowing to do list new letters still arrive each and every day overpayment letters bills demands. If it was not for my three boys I would not be here I am trying my best with them and anything I do is for them my wife trusted me with her most treasured possessions and I have to get this part right

    #47173 Report

    Sunflower20
    Participant

    Don’t forget to be kind to yourself along the way – looking back it’s probably some of the best advice I got.

    If you have not already applied I would recommend filling out the forms for Bereavement Support Payments as you get a lump sum and a monthly payment for 18months. This does not count towards any Universal Credit income and it is not means tested. They back date up to 3 months.

    I totally get what your saying when you say if it wasn’t for the children you would not be here but those thoughts for me passed (still have my moments) and I just take each day as it comes.  I can’t remember the early days,  looking back I think I was on autopilot

    Try not to get overwhelmed with letters, they will still be there tomorrow. It took me ages to act upon them as my husband passed suddenly so took 6 month to get a death certificate. I’m still dealing with it all now as I just put it all to one side for a while until I was ready.

    I know what you mean about bereavement forums. There is a lot of negativity and moaning.  I try to stay positive and remind myself that there are others who are worse off than me.

    WAY has lots of different groups within but there is no hurry to join. Some join years after their bereavement and others join in the early days.  Each of our journeys is individual to us.

    Feel free to message anytime. Happy to help if I can. Passing on the support I received.

    #47185 Report

    Sherry11
    Participant

    So sorry to hear this both. It must be so hard losing someone that way. My story is slightly different as my husband has just left me for a woman 18 years younger than him and it feels like he has died but with the added hurt of how he could do this to me and my little family. I don’t feel like the pain will ever go away. It is so hard each and every day and it is my 3 beautiful children that keep me going. I feel betrayed, hurt and worried for our future as I am sure that you do. Stay strong for the kids and take one day at a time. That is what I am trying to do.

    #47528 Report

    9046420
    Participant

    <span style=”color: #1a1919; font-family: Lato, sans-serif; text-align: left;”>Hi MrBlueSky,</span>

    My partner passed away almost 7 weeks ago and I am also feeling everything that you are. We have a 1 year old, I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like with 3. There are so many practical things to think about, as well grieving and keeping the kids looked after. It feels impossible to fit all this in.

    As you said you are an active Dad – you will suprise yourself at how much you no and do without even thinking about it. I have thought of my boy as a blessing, even though it’s frightening and absolutely exhausting he is my reason to get out of bed, get dressed and get me through the day, because he needs me.

    I learnt quickly to use my family and friends (covid makes this harder at the moment but our mental health is important), they have helped give me those short periods of well needed respite. At the moment as long as you and your family have a safe place to stay, are fed etc that’s all that matters, everything else will eventually piece together and as others have said there are lots of charities and universal credit that can help you through this time. If you have anyone close to you that could take that on for you then let them – I was fortunate enough that my manager at work took all paperwork and financial things from me – she got me some charity grants and sorted universal credit to take that immediate financial burden away.

    If there was ever a time that you should not be having any pressure of returning to work it would be now. Call your GP if you haven’t spoke to them already, with your current circumstances I am sure that they could provide you with something to atleast take that work pressure off for the time being?

    I have contacted cruse a few times in the evenings when my boy is asleep and the grief comes flooding in – it is good to talk. You didn’t mention any cause but my loss was due to suicide and there is also a charity called SOBS that I have found helpful.

    #47550 Report

    Mum02
    Participant

    I have been on this journey for 11 years now. All I can say is that things do get better abs you will find ways to get things done. You have to do these things your way and not your wife’s way. Does it matter if things take longer? Not at all. Are the kids fed, clean, loved and cared for then that’s all that matters.
    Work wise speak to CAB and see what they can help you with. Can you get bereaved parents allowance? If you need to go to work try and get a part time job in a supermarket or something like that- have you got family around you?
    do you get carers allowance for your son?

    hope this helps a little.
    Take time to have fun with kids as this is what they want and will remember.
    jackie

    #47638 Report

    Gummibear123
    Participant

    Mr Blue Sky:

    I hope you are ok today & that this year will only bring you better things.

    I’ve just joined this thing,& I was sad to read what you have been thru.Ive been a single mother for 9 years now so I know a bit about that(4 kids ages 1-7 years at the time,no co-parenting or loving family etc)  The nice people always seem to go far too young-but I don’t suppose they want ppl like my ex up there,ha.

    I very much admire what you are doing,I can’t imagine how I wld keep going in your circs.Single parenting either makes you or breaks you.

    Honestly it’s hard this single parent business,it’s non stop & all the rest & there’s all the emotional bits,but you know that.It kind of eventually gets into a….groove of sorts(hopefully not a rut).

    I found just keeping my eye on the ball which was making sure my kids had a normal a time as poss kept me Kind of normal as well.My work was flexible tho,that helped but omg the beginning was a nightmare.It took me years to learn what ‘be kind to yourself ‘ meant (& honestly there was no time for me to do that when I needed it,)but it helps if you can find time to enjoy with the kids.We were going thru a horrible time at one point & my therapist suggested I take my 10 yr old off school for some fun.I was appalled.But we hired a rowboat & had a great few hours just her & me.That was a few years ago & I’m so happy I did little things like that.I work so hard to keep going i sometimes forget who I’m doing all this for.Sure we make a lot of mistakes & bad decisions but we can only do our best, then there’s no regrets.

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